407: Can't get it up, keep it up, or cum when you want? (ft. Dr. Luke Adler)

Ever feel like sex is less of a good time and more of a test you can’t afford to fail? In the words of one man from my sex research: “I’m afraid of giving a bad performance and not being invited back.” After coaching men for over a decade, I can tell you this is one of the most common things I hear behind closed doors -- and one of the least talked about. But overthinking about sex is extremely common. One review in Sexual Medicine Reviews says sexual performance anxiety affects up to 1 in 4 men. Here, Scott gets real about his own years in the overthinking trap. We walk through getting out of your head at three stages: Approaching someone new Initiating with your long-term partner During sex itself --- We also cover a very different way to measure whether sex went “well.” Plus, a client who’d been losing his erection with his new girlfriend came back raving about the weekend he’d just had! Getting stuck in your head around sex can show up as erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), delayed ejaculation (DE) ... or as never making a move at all. It’s rarely a one-time thing, either: sometimes one awkward moment can turn into a story about what kind of man you are, and the next time gets even harder. Whether you freeze up before asking her out, hesitate to reach for your wife because it’s “been a while,” lose your erection halfway through, or finish before you want to (or can’t finish at all), getting in your head is common -- and there’s way more possible here than you’ve been led to believe. — THE MAN SHE CRAVES is here! Enrollment is now open for my brand-new, year-long program for men -- single, partnered, or anywhere in between -- who want a vibrant, passionate love life with abundant sex and deep closeness. Registration closes Nov 1st. Go to join.melaniecurtin.com/themanshecraves to learn more. And I strongly encourage you to get on my list if you're not already! I'm sending out special stuff there and I want you included. To get on it, if you're in the US, text BACKSTAGE to 33777. Outside the US, just email me at [email protected] or sign up at www.melaniecurtin.com. — Mentioned on this episode: The Man She Craves (my year-long program for men): join.melaniecurtin.com/themanshecraves — Memorable quotes from this episode: “If I don’t ace this exam ... she’s not going to want to come back for more.” “It’s really hard to be present with someone fully if a big chunk of you is tied up in your own head.” “Much of the time, for me, sex is a presence practice.” “In order to get out of your head, you gotta get into your body.” “Being approached is not creepy. Being approached again and again is creepy.” “‘Scott, the problem is that you don’t trust me.’” “I had to learn to trust women that they wanted to be seen sexually.” “You have the right to your turn-on.” “‘Man, that f*cking worked.’” “It’s not 'ejaculation time.' It’s 'sexy time.'” “I wish I had done the work sooner.”

Ever lie there afterward wondering what she’s really thinking? The romantic night is all set up -- the hotel, the champagne, the view -- and your d*ck doesn’t cooperate. Or it’s over in three minutes. Again. Here, we back the curtain on what it’s actually like from HER side of the sheets. What have women internalized about how their sex appeal relates to his "performance"? My guest share about her 13-year past relationship where PE was never really discussed, as well as a deeply attuned current partner who did one simple thing early on that changed everything for her. Premature ejaculation (PE), erectile dysfunction (ED), and delayed ejaculation (DE) are some of the most common sexual struggles men face -- yet they're rarely discussed, even in men's groups. And for many, the go-to fix doesn't even work: according to a meta-analysis in Andrology, almost 50% of men who start on ED meds stop taking them within a year. A pill isn’t the whole story. But don’t worry -- there’s way more possible here than you’ve been led to believe. Whether you lose your erection halfway through, you finish before things have really gotten going, you avoid initiating because you’re scared of what’ll happen, or you’ve just stopped bringing it up at all, trouble in the bedroom is common. But with the right guidance, it can change. If you’ve been quietly white-knuckling your way through sex, or avoiding it altogether, this one’s for you. — Come to the masterclass: From STUCK to SATISFIED A live launch event for my upcoming new course, The Man She Craves. I’ll share the number one pattern I see in men who get unstuck and move into emotionally satisfying and sexually vibrant relationships. Sunday, October 18, 1-3pm PT / 4-6pm ET. Cost: $55, but use code DEARMEN to drop it to $33. Register at www.melaniecurtin.com/satisfied. Can’t make it live? Register anyway and you’ll get the replay. — Mentioned on this episode: From Stuck to Satisfied (free live masterclass): melaniecurtin.com/satisfied The Man She Craves (my upcoming year-long course for men, with a VIP “Sexual Confidence” upgrade for ED, PE and DE). For details, get on my list: If you're in the US, text BACKSTAGE to 33777; if you're outside the US, just email me at [email protected] Please Her In Bed (my streaming course on talking about sex with women in a way that helps them open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com — Memorable quotes from this episode: “That’s why I faked orgasms for 40 years of my life!” “I thought it was about me. I thought I had done something wrong, or I wasn’t sexy enough.” “Sex is such a portal into the human smorgasbord of insecurities and pressures.” “Communication is sexy.” “A woman’s body can be played like a Stradivarius violin, and you don’t learn how to play a violin overnight.” “Guys, don’t put your d*ck on ice for 10 minutes. This is not medical advice.” “There’s deep wisdom in the penis that’s like, 'Something’s not right here.'” “Emotional safety is a requirement. It’s not a nice-to-have.” “He’s the first partner that I’ve consistently been able to orgasm with.” “My body needs to do what it needs to do, which may not look like what it looks like in porn.” “You are the oak tree. You hold the pose.”

First some stats on premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction: Close to 33% of men don’t respond to Viagra or Cialis, and a full 50% of men who start on them quit within a year or less of use Premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common sexual dysfunction in men on the planet The NIH estimates that erectile dysfunction (ED) affects as many as 30M men in the U.S. alone. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, 1-4% of men struggle with delayed ejaculation (DE). One man in a sexual health forum said DE has “lost me relationships and destroyed my sexual confidence,” even though he feels confident in every other part of his life. --- So likely hundreds of millions of men are dealing with these issues worldwide ... yet most feel deeply alone. It's easy to feel stuck, powerless, and anxious or depressed (or both) when you don't feel like you have control over your own body. It can feel like, “What is wrong with me??” There's nothing wrong with you -- and we need to talk about more than just the physical, mechanistic components of the solution. Enter Dr. Luke Adler. As a doctor of Chinese medicine, Luke sees what most Western approaches miss. As he puts it, “Western medicine has reduced it to it being all about blood flow...” -- and he’s here to show you the rest of the picture. In this episode, Luke reveals the one overlooked thread that runs through ALL sexual dysfunction. He also gets into why a childhood message like “Be a good boy; we have to take care of mom” might be showing up in your bedroom decades later, and what it means when your body is carrying “an energy of oppression.” Plus, hear from one man who’d tried naturopaths, Western doctors, and every supplement out there with zero results -- until something finally shifted. In his words: “I would have paid $100,000 for that result!” Come to the upcoming masterclass: From Stuck to Satisfied On Sunday, October 18th from 1-3p PT / 4-6p ET I'm teaching a masterclass all about the #1 pattern I see in the men that get UN-stuck in love, and get into sexually & emotionally rewarding relationships. Register for that at www.melaniecurtin.com/satisfied. It's $55, but if you use code DEARMEN it'll drop to $33. Memorable quotes from this episode: “Like many things in this field, men tend to not come forward around it.” “I developed a fear of having sex.” “The core of its energy is that it has no heart for me.” “My tissues could finally receive the medicine.” “It was a miracle in a lot of ways.”

Ever feel like your body has stopped cooperating in the one place you most need it to? Or it's totally hit-or-miss -- in one man's words: "I never knew whether I was going to ejaculate at all. I had no control over it." Erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), and/or delayed ejaculation (DE) can have a devastating impact on a man's sense of self-esteem, as well as on sexual satisfaction in relationships. And we don't talk about this enough. These issues come up in my sex research constantly, and are a daily reality for hundreds of millions of men globally. Yet even in men's work spaces like men's groups, performance anxiety and sexual health is like the last frontier -- it's just hard to talk about how your d*ck is functioning. But we need to ... because men out there are suffering. For example, did you know that according to an article in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 1 in 4 men seeking help for new-onset erectile dysfunction these days are 40 or younger? ED is not just an older man's game -- and it turns out that for some men (more than we might think), taking drugs like Viagra or Cialis doesn't even work. But don't worry -- there's way more possible here than you've been led to believe. Whether you can't get hard without porn first, you lose your erection halfway through, premature ejaculation robs you of enjoying the experience fully (as well as your partner), or delayed ejaculation prevents you from finishing at all, cock trouble is common. And for some, the fear of it happening again has you wondering what the point of dating or sex even is. Here, pelvic floor educator Jana Danielson BRINGS THE HOPE. We get into why your erections may have more to do with how you breathe than with your penis, why Kegels might be making things worse, and the story of a 24-year-old athlete who was about to fill an ED prescription, but who Jana thankfully got her hands on. A month later, he was waking up with morning wood for the first time in years! If you've been quietly white-knuckling your way through sex, or avoiding it altogether, this one's for you. — Join me on Oct 17th for my new masterclass: From STUCK to SATISFIED A live launch event for my upcoming new course, The Man She Craves, this class will outline the #1 pattern I've seen after coaching men for over a decade. It's what I see separates the men who stay stuck in their love lives to transitioning into sexually and emotionally satisfying relationships. The class will run from 10a-12p PT / 1p-3p ET on October 17. It's $55, but if you use code DEARMEN it'll drop to $33. To save your spot, email [email protected]. If you're in the US, you can also text BACKSTAGE to 33777. — Mentioned on this episode: The Man She Craves (Melanie's new course; Jana is part of the Sexual Confidence upgrade) The Cooch Ball: www.coochball.com Jana on Instagram & TikTok: @jana.danielson — Memorable quotes from this episode: "I'm not sure my marriage is going to survive." "When he did achieve an erection, it was really hard for him to maintain it." "Your body is not broken; it's just misunderstood." "'Within a month, I was waking up with morning wood!'" "Clarity creates confidence." "'Why would I give him a jail sentence of a wife?'" "We were searching for that elusive, fill-in-the-blank diagnosis." "Within 30 seconds I thought, 'Well, sh*t.'" "When I started talking about the pelvic floor, sh*t got weird." "'I wanted to match my ejaculation with her to make sure I was taking care of her needs.'" "He started being able to squat deeper." "I am having the best orgasms of my life, and I have no plan on stopping."

“I know I’m a good guy - I’m kind and compassionate and caring … so why don't girls want me??” This was one of Scott's main concerns in middle and high school. It felt like it was happening for everyone around him, but not him. Fast forward a few decades and now he's got overflow in his love life -- he's married and experiences affection, sex, closeness, and emotional availability on the daily. So what changed? Here we talk about the excruciating phone call in 6th grade that kicked everything off; the confusion of having close women friends who say they want a nice guy but then don't seem to want the nice guy that's right in front of them; what it actually means to feel SEEN after feeling overlooked; and the intriguing question Scott finally asked himself on a walk through a park in Madrid. You'll also hear about a client who looked great on paper, but who was stuck in first-date purgatory for years. A couple of months into the work, he said something he'd never said before: "She's actually chasing me!" If you've ever felt stuck in a pattern of first dates that never become second dates, years of swiping with nothing to show for it, or a marriage where you reach for her and keep hearing, "No" -- this one's for you. — Come to the upcoming Masterclass! The Man She Craves 101 is coming in October. Text BACKSTAGE to 33777 (U.S. only) to get on the list, or email [email protected] if you're outside the U.S. — Memorable quotes from this episode: "I see what I have to offer in a relationship; I don't see what I have to offer that gets me into a relationship." "I think I honestly felt that just being friendly to a girl was showing her that I liked her." "Me! Me! I am emotionally available to you right now." "You went from alone in the desert to overflow." “If you get a few rejections early on, it starts the cycle down that path.” “I didn’t really learn to flirt until college, and even then ... it was iffy.” “My community helped me find myself more.” “I have to get it RIGHT; I have to choose the RIGHT person.” “I felt desired. I felt seen.” “I’ve gotta show women that I‘m a good man!” “How do I learn more about healthy masculinity?” “I started to get to direct statements of desire from women.” “It’s not like my appearance changed a lot.” “Once you get in that flow, it is WONDERFUL.”