Show Notes
You know it was abuse. But written down, each moment sounds small. This is the episode about proving it. Part 5 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova. Mum and I work through your questions on affidavits, evidence, police reports and what the family court is actually looking for. LISTEN IF YOU... - Have kept notes for a year and worry they sound petty - Have been told by a lawyer that coercive control does not matter - Reported to police and were dismissed because there was no stalking or tracking - Are writing an affidavit and do not know what to include - Are still being controlled through emails, handovers and admin after final orders - Are terrified of going back to court This is general information, not legal or psychological advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent advice. This episode discusses coercive control, family violence, financial abuse and sexual betrayal. If you are in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732. 00:00 - Explaining Coercive Control When No One Believes You 01:00 - Series Recap and Meet Clinical Psychologist Krasi Kirova 02:30 - Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning 03:50 - Stacy: How Do I Make My Notes Matter in Court? 06:00 - Why Each Incident Sounds Petty: The Puzzle Piece Problem 07:00 - Death by a Thousand Cuts: Proving Cumulative Harm 09:30 - When the Judge Spots the Pattern Themselves 10:30 - What Courts Look For: Coercive Control and the Property Pool 14:00 - Your Affidavit Is the Proof, So You Have to Say It 14:20 - Anonymous: Should Infidelity Go in My Affidavit? 18:00 - DARVO Explained: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender 19:00 - Win: Can I Use Voice Memos and Home Security Footage? 21:40 - Legal Gatekeeping: When Your Lawyer Says It Does Not Matter 26:00 - How to Change Lawyers Mid-Case Without the Confrontation 28:00 - Katina: The Police Dismissed My Coercive Control Report 30:00 - The Empower You App and Finding a Station That Listens 33:20 - Roberta: Protection Orders When He Explains Everything Away 35:00 - Why Criminal, DV and Family Courts Do Not Talk to Each Other 37:00 - Samantha: Post-Separation Control After Final Orders 41:40 - Grey Rock, Escalation and When to Get a Risk Assessment 43:30 - Coercive Control Versus Ordinary Co-Parenting Conflict 46:30 - Admin Burden as Control: Fix It in Your Parenting Orders 50:00 - Jenna: When His Lawyer Becomes the Mouthpiece 54:00 - Lee: Fear of Court and a Teenager Who Will Not Visit 58:00 - Court Fear Is the Last Hook They Have Left 01:00:00 - Gina: What Evidence Is Actually Enough? 01:02:00 - Thresholds: Therapist Versus Police Versus Family Court 01:04:00 - The Marathon Analogy: Kicked, Then Blamed for Slowing Down 01:06:00 - Never Stop Documenting Until the Behaviour Stops 01:12:00 - The Magistrate Who Knew What Coercive Control Was 01:14:30 - Krasi's Conference Talk and Next Week: Healing EPISODES MENTIONED DARVO in the Family Court - https://youtu.be/pRMOfozwBKs?si=-YgsXkz8ybMB_lkr Documenting Coercive Control - https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=SY_8UNT5puZ7Uj_F Reporting to Police, Step by Step - https://youtu.be/s7vH5a9y7cA?si=sm1ReJaVxsvqKlNS 1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support) Lifeline - 13 11 14 Police - 000 (immediate danger) The Divorce Course - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au The Divorce Course Podcast - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog Empower You app - free documentation app run by NSW Police Krasi Kirova - clinical psychologist and board-approved supervisor Share your experience anonymously for Krasi's conference talk: [LINK] If this episode helped you understand how to prove coercive control, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.
More from The Divorce Course Podcast
🎧 Listen to this episode if… - You dread every text from your ex and screenshot messages "just in case" - Your co-parent avoids, delays or denies every conversation that matters - You can't get a straight yes or no - You carry the mental load of every reminder, newsletter and schedule - You've been told to "document everything" and want it done automatically ⚠️ General information only not legal advice. Australian family law; always consult a qualified family lawyer about your circumstances. 🛟 This episode discusses family violence and coercive control. If you're in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14. unpack the co-parenting app that courts here actually trust. ⏱️ Episode Timeline 00:00 – Dreading Texts From Your Ex? Why You Need This Episode 01:00 – Meet Erin Green From OurFamilyWizard Australia 02:00 – Why Avoidant Co-Parents Stop Communicating 05:00 – The Amicable Trap: Becoming the Communication Manager 07:00 – What Is OurFamilyWizard? The Co-Parenting App Explained 08:00 – Uneditable, Encrypted Records vs Deleted Text Messages 10:00 – Calls Feature: Transcripts and Documented Call Activity 11:00 – Family Violence Orders: Calling Without Sharing Your Number 12:00 – The Shared Calendar and Change Requests Without Drama 15:00 – Expense Tracking: Invoices, Receipts and Proof for Court 17:00 – The Info Bank: Schools, Medications and Clothing Sizes 18:00 – Who Uses OurFamilyWizard (And When Courts Order It) 20:00 – Putting the App in Your Consent Orders 21:00 – Timestamped Messages: No Deleting, No Rewriting History 22:00 – Free Divorce Webinar With Laura & Lyn 23:00 – Court-Admissible PDFs and Professional Access 25:00 – The AI Writing Assistant That Flags Escalating Language 27:00 – Message Search + Safety for Survivors of Abuse 29:00 – Word Salad, Yes-or-No Requests and Coercive Control 31:00 – Check-Ins and Location Privacy After Family Violence 33:00 – A Tool, Not a Safety Plan: Tech Stalking Reminders 34:00 – What If Your Ex Refuses to Use a Co-Parenting App? 36:00 – Protection Orders, Mediation and Raising the App 37:00 – Fee Waivers for Family Violence and Financial Duress 38:00 – Defence Force Discount Explained 40:00 – OurFamilyWizard Cost: Essentials, Premium and Max 43:00 – Erin's Best Advice: Pause Before You Reply 44:00 – What to Embroider on a Cushion This Week 🎧 Episodes Mentioned Coercive Control and Your Kids – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-and-your-kids-how-to-protect-your/id1503451022?i=1000777679728 Co-Parenting With a High Conflict, Narcissistic or Avoidant Ex – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/co-parenting-how-to-successfully-do-it-even-with-a/id1503451022?i=1000559535573 Take the Divorce Personality Quiz – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/take-the-divorce-personality-quiz-learn-why-your/id1503451022?i=1000748290587 Is Your Ex Watching You? Coercive Control Goes Digital – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/is-your-ex-watching-you-coercive-control-goes-digital/id1503451022?i=1000758578403 Creating a Safety Plan Before You Need One – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/from-fear-to-freedom-creating-a-safety-plan-before/id1503451022?i=1000741625311 Co-Parenting Without Court Orders – https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/co-parenting-without-court-orders-the-real-rules-and/id1503451022?i=1000735234386 🔗 Links & Resources OurFamilyWizard Australia – https://www.ourfamilywizard.com.au Fee waiver (via your lawyer, mediator or support professional): [email protected] Help using the app: [email protected] 📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 | Lifeline – 13 11 14 | 🚓 Police – 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au – free webinar: click "Reserve My Seat" 🎓 Blog: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
🎧 Listen if you… - Keep hearing "you're not getting more than 50/50" from your ex - Are stuck yelling percentages at each other and getting nowhere - Feel greedy asking for what's actually fair - Want your proposal backed by real law before mediation
🎧 Listen to this episode if… You have no idea what's happening with the kids this Christmas
🎧 Listen to this episode if… You've sent emails and heard nothing back for weeks The strategy has completely changed without a discussion The family violence you disclosed isn't even in your affidavit Your lawyer is great at invoices but not much else You're thinking about leaving your lawyer but don't know the steps ⚠️ Disclaimer: General information only, not legal advice. Based on Australian family law. Always get independent legal advice, and consider all aspects before deciding to leave your lawyer. 🛟 This episode discusses family violence and coercive control. If you're in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). About this episode: Bad lawyer, bad fit – or a good lawyer having a bad month? Mum and I walk through what a good lawyer relationship looks like, reasonable response times, why strategies change (and when backpedaling is a red flag), what to do when your lawyer minimises family violence, how to question a bill without feeling horrible, the repair conversation to have before you leave, and the exact steps to change lawyers without leaving yourself in the lurch. You're the client – it's okay to ask questions. ⏱️ Timeline 00:00 – Warning Signs Your Divorce Lawyer Might Be the Problem 01:00 – Why Family Lawyers Are Hardworking (And Human) 02:00 – You're the Client: Permission to Ask Questions 04:00 – Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Warning 05:00 – What a Good Lawyer Relationship Looks Like 06:00 – What Your Lawyer Should Explain Without Being Asked 07:00 – A Good First Meeting: Chronologies and Probing Questions 09:00 – Over-Promising Lawyers and the Polaroid Analogy 10:00 – How Long Should You Wait to Hear Back? 11:00 – Busy Lawyer vs Neglectful Lawyer 13:00 – Never Miss a Court Deadline 15:00 – Radio Silence? The Email to Send the Principal 16:00 – Will Complaining Make My Lawyer Hate Me? 17:00 – Trust and Full Disclosure 18:00 – The Dot-Point Chronology Trick 19:00 – Illegal Activity and Legal Professional Privilege 21:00 – Section 128 Certificates 22:00 – Affairs, New Partners and Why Lawyers Don't Judge 23:00 – Strategy Changes and Backpedaling 27:00 – Defensive Lawyers and Letters of Advice 28:00 – When Lawyers Gatekeep Family Violence 29:00 – Section 43: Safety Over Everything 30:00 – The 2024 Reforms: Is Your Lawyer Up to Date? 34:00 – What a Normal Legal Bill Looks Like 35:00 – What You Can Question in a Bill 38:00 – The Repair Conversation 39:00 – Meeting the Principal and Testing Their Reaction 41:00 – Project Managing Your Case 43:00 – Leaving Your Lawyer: Pause the File, Check Timing 44:00 – Find Your New Lawyer First 45:00 – Outstanding Bills and Court Portal Access 46:00 – Rapid Fire: Second Opinions and Support People 48:00 – Step In, Step Out 49:00 – Is It Though? Why Questioning Is Everything 🎧 Episodes mentioned: Legal Gatekeeping: Is Your Lawyer Telling Your Full Story? → https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/legal-gatekeeping-is-your-lawyer-telling-your-full-story/id1503451022?i=1000666744026 Choosing a Family Lawyer – The Red Flags Not to Ignore → https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/choosing-a-family-lawyer-the-red-flags-not-to-ignore/id1503451022?i=1000555058558 Take the Divorce Personality Quiz → https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/take-the-divorce-personality-quiz-learn-why-your/id1503451022?i=1000748290587 Decoding Divorce Word Salad Legal Letters → https://open.spotify.com/episode/4qiOSiGK9yOrt0lEdqCudQ 📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 | Lifeline — 13 11 14 | Police — 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au – free checklists + DIY Divorce Blueprint If this helped you work out whether your lawyer is the right fit, please subscribe, like and share so others can find it too. All our best, Laura & Lyn – Your Guides By Your Side
🎧 Listen to this episode if… Your ex is rewriting your shared history in lawyer's letters or affidavits Money is disappearing before your property settlement You suspect secret super, hidden cash, or crypto Your ex has turned your family or your own accountant against you The person who hurt you is now playing the victim You want to know these patterns are predictable and you're not alone You suspect your ex is a narc ⚠️ Disclaimer: General information only, not legal advice. Based on Australian family law. Originally recorded in 2021 – laws may have changed. Always get independent legal advice. 🛟 This episode discusses family violence and coercive control. If you're in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) | Lifeline 13 11 14. About this episode: From the vault over 300 episodes back to one of the very first and most requested episodes we ever recorded. Mum draws on 35+ years in family law to open up The Narcissist Playbook: the 10 patterns she sees again and again with controlling and manipulative exes in divorce. If the playbook existed, it would have two chapters "I only care about me" and "I tell lies." Once you can see the patterns, you can see the next move coming. ⏱️ Timeline 00:00 – From the Vault: Why We're Replaying The Narcissist Playbook 01:00 – Family Violence Warning & Disclaimer 02:00 – The Two Rules of the Narcissist Playbook 04:00 – Pattern 1: They Rewrite History 07:00 – How to Prove the Lies: Photos, Receipts, Credibility 09:00 – Pattern 2: Spending Money Before Property Settlement 10:00 – Add-Backs: How Wasted Money Gets Counted 11:00 – Pattern 3: Secret Super, Bank Accounts and Hidden Cash 12:00 – Crypto and Digital Wallets 13:00 – Positive Credit Card Balances and Gambling Accounts 14:00 – Pattern 4: Undermining You With Family and Kids 16:00 – Building Your Support Group 17:00 – Pattern 5: Playing the Victim and DV Cross-Applications 18:00 – Keeping a Diary of Coercive Control 21:00 – Pattern 6: Parent of the Year Transformation 22:00 – Toys, Trips and Trash Talk: The Cost to Kids 24:00 – Genuine Change vs Performance 25:00 – Pattern 7: They Re-Partner Almost at Once 26:00 – Recruiting the New Partner Into the Campaign 27:00 – When the New Partner Wakes Up: Witnesses and Subpoenas 28:00 – Pattern 8: Turning Joint Professionals Against You 30:00 – Get Your Own Accountant and Team 31:00 – Pattern 9: Claiming Credit for Your Contributions 33:00 – Why Judges See Through It 34:00 – Pattern 10: Reversing the Blame 35:00 – How Courts Catch the Lies 37:00 – New Court Rules: Responding to Their Affidavit 38:00 – The Ten Patterns Recapped 39:00 – Reviewer of the Month: Free 30-Minute Consult With Lyn 🎧 Episode mentioned: Finance and Financial Planners (with Pedro) 📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 | Lifeline — 13 11 14 | Police — 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au – free resources + DIY Divorce Blueprint ✉️ Questions: [email protected] or DM @thedivorcecourse ⭐ Review the podcast each month for a chance to win a free 30-minute chat with Lyn If this episode helped you recognise the patterns and feel less alone, please subscribe, like and share so others can find it too. All our best, Laura & Lyn – Your Guides By Your Side