Show Notes
Anxious-avoidant attachment, emotionally immature in-laws, panic attacks, and what if the unicorn has rabies? Tony tackles his first live Q&A in a year, where you’ll hear answers to these questions and many more.
Recorded live with daughter Sydney moderating, Tony takes real questions from real listeners: what happens when you spot narcissistic traits in your spouse's parent before they do, how to stop reacting and start building the pause, and the complete origin story of the anxious-avoidant loop — the pattern he sees in almost every couple who walks into his office. If you keep pursuing while your partner withdraws, this episode names what's actually happening between those two nervous systems.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:
Understand why handing your spouse the word "narcissist" for their own parent asks them to reinterpret an entire childhood — and what tends to work instead.
Move through the four stages of awakening, from "you don't know what you don't know" to unconscious competence.
Separate observation from judgment ("she hasn't texted back" vs. "she doesn't care about me") using the pre-pillar of Tony's four pillars of a connected conversation.
Meet Jack and Jill: how anxious and avoidant partners find each other, fall into the pursue-withdraw dynamic, and begin to break the loop.
Work with your biology during a panic attack — extended exhales, co-regulation, and why being told to "calm down" triggers psychological reactance.
Tony Overbay is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has spent more than 20 years — and 15 to 20 couples a week — watching these patterns play out in real time.
Want the free Anxious-Avoidant Loop PDF handout Tony reads from in this episode? Email [email protected] and he'll send it your way, along with his related episode list.
Please follow Tony on Instagram @virtual.couch on TikTok @virtualcouch on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft and on Substack https://thevirtualcouch.substack.com/ You can reach out to Tony through his website tonyoverbay.com or by emailing contact @ tonyoverbay.com
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