Neurodivergent Marriages and Partnerships

Many of us have felt it lately. Just as lived experience,community and neuro-affirming practice seemed to be gaining ground, the conversation in the media, in policy and across neurodivergent spaces appears to be swinging back toward talk of overdiagnosis, deficit and clinical pathwaysas the only ones that count. In this conversation, Tanya and Emma share what they arenoticing and how it lands for them, as mothers of neurodivergent children and as neurodivergent women themselves. They talk about being believed, about mothers being blamed and gaslit, and about the very real frustration offamilies whose support needs are high and go unseen. They also wonder aloud about who benefits when a community is divided, and what might become possible when clinicians, peers and lived experience people are able to listen to oneanother. If you have been feeling unseen, tired or quietly unsure of yourself lately, this may feel like a gentle place to land. You are not the only one noticing. What we explore: Why the current mood around neurodivergent diagnosis, support and funding can feel like a step backward. The difference between the deficit model and the neurodiversity affirming model, and what each asks of systems. Lived experience, peer support and clinical care as partners rather than opponents. Mother blaming, gaslighting and the power imbalance many parents describe when seeking help. The hidden labour of finding practitioners who see you, and why individualised support matters. Why community spaces, including online ones, can lift shame and offer real belonging. The nervous system cost of being the one who goes against the grain. Magic moments Each episode closes with a magic moment. This week therewere two. Emma: Sitting with an osteopath who understood the co-occurring conditions that often travel with autism and ADHD, and feeling the quiet relief of being seen and believed, for both parent and child. Tanya: A little rainbow sticking out of a grey cloud after a rough night, and the reminder that even in a grey season there can still be a little bit of colour and hope.

What if needing space does not mean you love people any less? In this episode, Tanya and Emma sit down with Alice Bramhill, a registered mental health nurse, interpersonal psychotherapist and neurodivergent coach, to talk about relationships, retreat and the quiet courage of knowing yourself. Alice’s first book had only just been released, and it opened a conversation that wandered through grief, friendship, family culture and the pressure to be an “acceptable human”. Along the way, you may find some gentle permission. Permission to retreat when the world feelstoo loud. Permission to follow your own interests rather than someone else’s idea of a social life. Permission to let your children, and yourself, take space without it meaning anything is wrong. We close, as always, with a little magic.This week it arrives as a newborn calf, a small black cat hiding in plain sight, and a son who tells his mum she has done apretty good job.You may find this conversation helpful if: You have ever wondered whether needing timealone says something about how much you care You are in the in-between of a world that has shrunk and are wondering if that is allowed You feel the friendships built around your masked self fading, and you are unsure what comes next You are raising children and hoping they grow up knowing that space is something they never have to apologise for

Some children cannot learn at school, and some parents are left holding that truth while everyone around them has an opinion about it. In this conversation, Tanya and Emma sit down with Melissa Crockett-Joyoue, a Māori, late-diagnosed AuDHD mama of two unschooled neurodivergent children. Melissa is also the co-founder of the Unschooling Summit and the founder of Weave ND, an online membership community that supports neurodivergent unschooling families, with a focus on capacity building and connection for the parents. Melissa shares how her family arrived at unschooling out of crisis rather than choice, and what she has come to understand about learning, trust and nervous systems alongthe way. Together they explore what unschooling actually is, why so many parents feel an unravelling when they step away from a schoolish way of seeing the world, and what learning can look like during burnout when it may not look like learning at all. There is honest talk about grief, masking, friendship and the quiet work of caring for your own nervous system so that you can hold your child’s. If your child is in burnout and you are wondering whether they are falling behind, this conversation may offer some breathing room. You may find it supportive to listen for: Unschooling as child led, parent supported learning that rests on trust and relationship Why learning during burnout may begin with emotions, connection and environment Ways to notice the learning already happening in special interests and gaming The many pathways into further study later, when a young person knows what motivates them Masking, people pleasing and the cost school can carry for some neurodivergent children The grief parents carry, and why your own nervous system capacity matters

Most of us grew up believing that a good relationship never has disagreements, conflict, or angry words. In this episode, Tanya and Emma sit with the opposite idea: that rupture is inevitable, and the real skill we were never taught is repair. Together they trace how their families of origin handled conflict (mostly by not handling it at all), why saying sorry to your own children can feel like breaking a generational rule, and how becoming the first generation to actually apologise reshapes the relationship on both sides. The conversation moves from parenting into perimenopause, masking and unmasking, and the friendships and family ties that do not survive us becoming more honest about our needs. It closes with a set of practical strategies for the relationships we cannot walk away from and a reminder that a relationship which can survive rupture and repair is stronger for it.In This Episode Why rupture and repair is the topic, and how it kept showing up everywhere this week Growing up where adults had the final say and feelings were not up for discussion The myth that parents must know everything and never make mistakes Being the first generation in the family to say sorry to their children, and meaning it The shame wired into asking for what you need: “don't be so needy” A therapist's reframe: would you take offence if your own child told you that you hurt them? What it looked like when their children, post-burnout, told them everything that had hurt ADHD, executive functioning, and the “why can't you just do the thing” spiral How it took their children collapsing into burnout for the pattern to become visible Why the absence of repair hurts more than the original rupture Being judged as a parent by how “well-behaved” your children are in public Practical strategies for hard family visits: time-boxing, radical acceptance, and taking breaks Glennon Doyle's Untamed and the “leave your fear at the door” family boundary Naming family culture rules in advance, including no commentary on bodies Fawning, courage, and finding the words in the moment The core ingredient of repair: holding two truths (multiplicity) at once.

This week Tanya sits down with Emma for a wandering,honest conversation about the gap between understanding something and actually feeling it. They talk about why knowing the “why” behind a meltdown, a trigger, or a parenting mistake doesn’t stop it from hurting, and how intellectualising can quietly become another way of bypassing our own nervous systems. From attachment wounds and trauma responses to theparticular grief of realising the harm done before a late autism diagnosis, this one goes deep. They also share the small, unfussy things that help them come back to themselves: dancing badly in the kitchen, talking to trees, and letting a feeling last its real ninety seconds instead of the story we build around it. In this episode Why insight and understanding don’t immunise us from hurt, grief, or overwhelm How intellectualising can be a trauma response and a nervous-system safety blanket Attachment patterns that show up when someone we love pulls away The particular shame of harm done before a late autism diagnosis Finding neurodivergent-affirming therapists, and why it’s worth vetting every one Tools for actually feeling a feeling: titration, pendulation, and the real ninety seconds What grounds each of them — dancing, nature, and safe anchors Magic momentsEmma - A slow, sweet morning cuddled up with her daughter Daisy — mucking about in bed together instead of jumping straight into the routine Tanya - Listening to Brené Brown talk about wearing two watches— one for chronos time and one that belonged to her grandmother— which sent Tanya looking for her own grandmother’s watch, and the memories that came withfinding it. Resources mentioned Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman Gabor Maté’s work on trauma and addiction Francis Weller’s work on grief, including the gates of grief and grief for the unloved self Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson An article referenced as “the piece by Lindsay” — Lindsey Mackereth's Substack Kristy Forbes’s Substack If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout and you would like something to hold you while you hold everyone else, download ⁠the free 10 Tiny Anchors Journey⁠ If you are a woman who is questioning your relationship with alcohol, explore Emma's membership: ⁠https://www.hoperisingcoaching.com/bethelighthouse⁠