"The Common Denominator Is You." What Her parents Learned About BPD

She read him the criteria, told him to look it up, and sent him home. What Peter found online about borderline personality disorder nearly undid him. Peter Googled it that night and found a week of relief, then a month of self-loathing. He is a member of the BPD Alliance Lived Experience Committee, a husband, and the father of two teenage boys, diagnosed three years ago at 37 after what he calls a million therapists and a half. In this episode he tells host Diane DeMartino, LCSW, about the therapist who diagnosed him in one session and then ended the treatment, the years of therapy that treated his sleep and his job stress and never named what was underneath, the intensive outpatient program he mistook for DBT, and how he went from searching Reddit for people like him to sitting on a committee of them. Try This Today: If you just got the diagnosis and are about to search it, borrow Peter's rule: you are not what you Google. Then make one call a search engine cannot. Ask a therapist whether they treat borderline personality disorder, and if the answer is no, ask who does.

When your daughter has borderline personality disorder and calls in pain, the first ten seconds decide whether she stays on the line. Julie knows those ten seconds. Her daughter got up late, hit traffic, got written up, and quit on the spot, then called her mother and said so, loudly. Julie is a longtime BPD Alliance board member, and in this episode she tells host Jesse Finkelstein, PsyD, what she did not know at that moment, what she wanted to say, what she said instead, and why answering the emotion rather than the words is the skill that kept her daughter talking. Try This Today: Before you answer someone whose emotions are running high, borrow Julie's practice of relationship mindfulness: pay attention on purpose to the person in front of you, in this moment. Put down what you were doing. Notice their voice before you weigh their words. Learn more about Relationship Mindfulness.

What if borderline personality disorder isn’t best understood as a list of things that are “wrong” with someone? Carla Sharp, PhD, a professor at the University of Houston who studies the development of personality disorders, joins host Kiki Fehling, PhD, to discuss how our understanding of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is changing and how the way we define BPD affects the people who receive the diagnosis. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association, is the standard classification system for mental health diagnoses in the USA. The DSM-5-TR lists nine criteria for BPD, with five required for a diagnosis: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment 2. Unstable, intense relationships (idealization and devaluation) 3. Unstable self-image 4. Impulsivity in at least two self-damaging areas 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or self-mutilation 6. Mood reactivity and emotional instability 7. Chronic emptiness 8. Intense or poorly controlled anger 9. Stress-related paranoia or dissociation. Dr. Sharp discusses another approach, the Alternative Model for Personality Disorders (AMPD). Introduced in Section III of DSM-5 in 2013, the AMPD looks at more than a list of symptoms. It considers the personality patterns a person struggles with and how much those difficulties affect their sense of self and their relationships with other people. It focuses on four areas: identity (how you understand who you are), self-direction (your ability to set goals and make choices), empathy (your ability to understand other people’s experiences), and intimacy (your ability to form and maintain close relationships). This gives clinicians a fuller picture of where someone is struggling instead of defining them by whether they check off a certain number of symptoms. The episode also addresses the idea that BPD reflects a flaw in someone’s character. BPD is a mental health condition, effective treatments are available, and people can improve. (00:00) The pain of not being understood (01:36) What is BPD? Moving beyond traits (03:18) There is no single pathway to BPD (06:21) A different way to understand personality disorder (09:13) From fixed traits to a capacity that can change (15:18) BPD is not a character flaw (15:33) BPD is treatable, and why early intervention helps (17:51) Try this: challenge what you believe about BPD Try This Today: Think of a belief you have heard about BPD: “Everyone with BPD has experienced abuse.” “BPD is a character flaw.” “People with BPD can’t change.” Write it down. Next to it, write something you learned in this episode that challenges that belief. Notice the assumptions you may have absorbed about BPD and consider whether they match what we now know. References: Sharp, C., Clark, L. A., Balzen, K. M., Widiger, T., Stepp, S., Zimmerman, M., & Krueger, R. F. (2025). The validity, reliability and clinical utility of the Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders (AMPD) according to DSM-5 revision criteria. World Psychiatry, 24(3), 319–340. Krueger, R. F., & Hobbs, K. A. (2020). An overview of the DSM-5 alternative model of personality disorders (AMPD). Psychopathology, 53(3–4), 126–132.

“Manipulative. Attention-seeking. Out of control.” These are the words we use about borderline personality disorder, and they make everything worse. Marie-Paule de Valdivia, MBA, LCSW is both the mother of a daughter with borderline personality disorder and a DBT therapist. Twenty years ago, she used every one of those words. In this episode, she tells host Andrea Gold, PhD what it took to see the other side of the labels, and how one shift in interpretation changed her family. Try This Today: When emotions are high and you have urges to respond harshly, borrow Marie-Paule's mantra: "benign, benign, benign." Slow down. Assume your loved one is doing the best they can in this moment, then choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. This may not come easily. But the alternative may do damage. (00:00) The words a mother used (01:27) Marie-Paule’s story (03:37) The class that changed everything (05:30) Becoming a clinician, seeing the other side (07:39) Getting out of stigma: “the best they can” (10:19) Try this: benign, benign, benign (12:58) One validating person (13:32) Words of hope Learn more about supporting a family member, including Family Connections, the free, evidence-based program developed by BPD Alliance for family members and loved ones supporting someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits or chronic emotion dysregulation. Reference: van Schie, C. C., Lewis, K., Barr, K. R., Jewell, M., Malcolmson, N., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2024). Borderline personality disorder and stigma: Lived experience perspectives on helpful and hurtful language. Personality and Mental Health, 18(3), 216–226⁠.⁠ About BPD Alliance, The Podcast: Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible.