Show Notes
Episode 1: Before It Breaks
Most relationships do not break the day someone leaves.
They break much earlier, in what people now call the quiet quitting marriage, the silent divorce, the slow emotional disconnection that happens while the house still runs, the children are still cared for, the calendar is still full, and everyone on the outside still thinks the family is fine.
In the first full episode of Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare, Gabriella explores the private fracture that often happens long before separation, divorce, co-parenting or family breakdown becomes visible to the outside world. This is the space where love starts turning into logistics, where the emotional load and mental load become invisible labour, where “I’m fine” becomes a locked door, and where one person can be lying beside someone every night while feeling completely alone.
This episode is for anyone who has ever looked around at the life they built, the house, the children, the school bags by the door, the dinner half-made on the bench, the washing still waiting to be folded, and quietly wondered, “How did we get here?”
Drawing on more than a decade as a family lawyer, as well as her work as the author of The Collaborative Co-Parent, mother and co-parent, Gabriella speaks about the reality behind marriage resentment, relationship burnout, emotional disconnection, the invisible work of motherhood, and the repeated missed bids for connection that can leave someone feeling unseen inside their own family.
This is not just a divorce podcast episode about what happens when people separate. It is a raw conversation about what happens before that: before anyone packs a bag, before anyone calls a lawyer, before the relationship breakdown becomes public, and before the person who has been carrying everything finally says, “I cannot keep pretending this is fine.”
Gabriella also offers hope for couples who recognise themselves in this place, exploring what it can look like to name the truth earlier, seek couples counselling or relationship support, rebuild emotional intimacy, redistribute the mental load, repair after conflict, and understand whether this is a difficult season, a deeper relationship pattern, or the beginning of the end.
This episode is for the person in a silent marriage, the mother carrying the invisible load, the partner feeling lonely in a relationship, the couple wondering if they can repair, and anyone trying to understand the quiet moments that shape what happens before, during and after a family changes.
For the before. For the break. For the becoming.
This podcast is for general information and education only and is not legal advice.
More from Before it Breaks with Gabriella Pomare
Do you really need to be on the brink of separation before you consider couples therapy? Or could getting help while your relationship is still good be one of the smartest things you ever do? We service our cars, schedule health checks and invest in our careers before something goes wrong. Yet when it comes to our relationships, we often wait until resentment has built, communication has broken down or one partner is already halfway out the door before asking for help. In this solo episode of Before It Breaks, family lawyer, author and relationship commentator Gabriella Pomare challenges the stigma surrounding couples therapy and explores why relationship counselling shouldn't be reserved for marriages in crisis. Drawing on years of experience working with couples navigating separation, Gabriella examines the subtle warning signs of emotional disconnection, the difference between a relationship that's struggling and one that's simply drifting, and why the absence of arguments doesn't always mean everything is okay. From the mental load of parenthood and declining intimacy to recurring arguments, emotional withdrawal and the fear of suggesting therapy, this episode explores what happens when two people become excellent at managing a life together but slowly lose sight of the relationship inside it. In this episode, Gabriella explores: Couples therapy before a crisis: Why preventative relationship counselling can be valuable even when nothing is obviously wrong. The silent drift in long-term relationships: How couples become housemates, co-parents or business partners without noticing their emotional connection fading. Why couples keep having the same arguments: Understanding the deeper patterns behind conflict, criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal. The mental load and relationship resentment: Why arguments about housework, parenting and the dishwasher are rarely just about the practical issue. The pursuer–withdrawer cycle: What happens when one partner needs reassurance and the other needs space. How to suggest couples therapy without blaming your partner: Changing the conversation from “you need fixing” to “our relationship is worth protecting”. Relationship check-ins and communication tools: Five practical ways to strengthen connection, navigate change and repair conflict before resentment takes hold. The central question: Why does the possibility of losing someone sometimes create an urgency that their unhappiness never did? This episode isn't about convincing every couple to go to therapy or suggesting that every relationship should be saved. It's about recognising that love alone doesn't teach us how to communicate, navigate conflict, maintain intimacy or grow together through life's transitions. Because sometimes the most important relationship conversations aren't the ones we have when someone is ready to leave. They're the quieter ones we choose to have years earlier. Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare explores modern relationships, marriage, dating, divorce, communication, parenting and the conversations that can change everything. Follow Gabriella: Instagram @thegabriellapomare Website: www.gabriellapomare.com Newsletter: The Modern Relationship Edit on Substack New episodes of Before It Breaks are available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube and iHeartRadio.
What happens when you fall in love with someone who already has children, an ex-partner and an entire family history that existed long before you arrived? Dating after divorce or separation can be exciting, hopeful and full of possibility, but when children are involved, building a new relationship is rarely as simple as two people falling in love. Suddenly there are co-parenting arrangements, competing loyalties, ex-partners, stepchildren, jealousy, parenting boundaries and difficult conversations about where everybody fits. In Season 3, Episode 6 of Before It Breaks, Gabriella Pomare is joined by Kris Byrnes, step-parent coach, podcast host and stepmother, for an honest conversation about the emotional reality of step-parenting, blended families and finding love again after separation. Drawing on Kris's personal experience as a stepmother and Gabriella's perspective as a family lawyer, they explore the challenges that arise when a new romantic relationship becomes part of an existing family, including the pressure on step-parents to love children as their own, the insecurity that can arise around former partners and the delicate balance between protecting children and prioritising a new relationship. They discuss why step-parenting can feel lonely, how guilt after divorce affects parenting decisions, why children sometimes reject a new partner, and how couples can establish boundaries without creating more conflict. Gabriella and Kris also explore one of the most controversial questions in blended families: when does setting boundaries with an ex-partner cross the line into controlling behaviour, particularly when a child's relationship with their parent begins to suffer? In this episode, you'll discover: What people underestimate about dating someone with children and becoming a step-parent. Why jealousy, resentment and insecurity can arise even in loving blended families. How to establish healthy boundaries with ex-partners while protecting co-parenting relationships. Why step-parents can experience burnout from trying too hard to be accepted. How to navigate discipline, household expectations and the difficult words, “You're not my mum” or “You're not my dad.” Whether children should always come first, and how to protect the couple relationship without making children feel displaced. How to help children feel emotionally secure when a parent begins a new relationship. The difference between healthy co-parenting boundaries and behaviour that may become controlling. Whether you're dating someone with kids, navigating divorce and remarriage, raising children in a blended family, co-parenting with an ex or struggling to find your place as a step-parent, this episode offers an honest look at the conversations that need to happen before resentment and insecurity begin to damage the relationships you're trying to build. About the guest Kris Byrnes is a step-parent coach, stepmother and host of the Our Step Parent Podcast, supporting individuals and couples navigating step-parenting, blended families, boundaries and relationships after separation. Find Kris on Instagram: @stepparentcoach About the host Gabriella Pomare is a family lawyer, author, relationship commentator and host of Before It Breaks, exploring modern love, communication, conflict, separation and the conversations that can change relationships before they break. Follow Gabriella: @thegabriellapomare Website: https://gabriellapomare.com
How do you know if your relationship is going through a hard season — or if you’ve simply stayed too long? In Season 3, Episode 4 of Before It Breaks, Gabriella Pomare explores one of the hardest questions people ask themselves inside a struggling relationship: should I stay or should I leave? We hear a lot about people giving up too quickly. About commitment. About doing the work. But there is another side to that conversation: staying long after a relationship has become emotionally disconnected, resentful, lonely or stuck. Gabriella looks at the difference between staying and trying, and why remaining in a relationship is not the same as actively repairing it. This episode explores emotional disconnection, resentment, contempt, loss of attraction, relationship burnout, staying together for the kids, sunk cost, and the quieter signs that can appear long before a relationship officially ends. Gabriella also unpacks her Love, Fear, Guilt or Habit framework — a way of asking what is actually keeping you in the relationship. Are you staying because there is still love and a genuine desire to rebuild? Or because leaving feels too frightening? Are you staying because repair is possible? Or because history, children, guilt or habit make it difficult to imagine another life? At the centre of the episode is one important question: If nothing changed in the next five years, would you still choose this relationship? This is not an episode telling people to stay. It is not an episode telling people to leave. It is about becoming honest enough to understand the difference between a difficult season and a deeper pattern. Plus, Gabriella answers anonymous Dear Gabriella dilemmas and shares a Don’t Do What I Did story about confusing staying with trying. Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare is a podcast about modern love, real relationships and the conversations people often have too late. Instagram: @thegabriellapomare Website: gabriellapomare.com For general information and discussion only. This podcast is not legal advice, psychological advice, counselling or therapy. Chapters: 00:00 Should I Stay or Leave? 03:10 Are We Giving Up Too Soon or Staying Too Long? 07:25 Hard Season or Bigger Pattern? 12:10 Staying Is Not the Same as Trying 16:40 Love, Fear, Guilt or Habit? 21:20 Dear Gabriella: Nothing Is Wrong, But I Feel Nothing 27:15 Resentment, Contempt & Emotional Disconnection 32:05 What If You’ve Lost Attraction? 36:30 Are You Leaving the Relationship or Escaping Your Life? 41:10 Staying Together for the Kids 46:00 Dear Gabriella: I Stayed for the Kids 50:40 The Sunk-Cost Problem 54:20 Don’t Do What I Did 58:10 The Question to Ask Yourself 1:01:30 When Leaving Can Be an Act of Honesty 1:04:00 So, Should You Stay or Leave?
What actually makes two people stay together — not just remain married, but continue to choose each other? After asking “Are we leaving relationships too soon?” in Episode 2, Gabriella sits down with author, podcaster and media personality Zoe Marshall for a candid conversation about the other side of that question: what allows a relationship to survive the ordinary, unglamorous pressures of a long life together? Zoe and her husband Benji have been together for almost two decades and married for nearly 14 years. Their relationship has lived alongside professional sport, media, demanding careers, fertility, parenthood, travel, public scrutiny and enormous personal change. But Zoe is clear that longevity hasn’t come from simply finding “the right person” and hoping the relationship takes care of itself. In this conversation, Gabriella and Zoe talk about what it really means to keep choosing someone when life becomes busy, complicated and decidedly less romantic — from maintaining chemistry and intimacy to having separate bedrooms, separate interests and enough independence to actually miss each other. They unpack resentment, sex, parenting, conflict and repair; why children can benefit from seeing healthy disagreement and reconciliation; how couples can protect their relationship when careers become consuming; and why knowing somebody deeply over time can become one of the overlooked rewards of staying. Because nobody online knows the entire history of your relationship. They weren’t there for the difficult years, the private tenderness, the ordinary Tuesday nights or the moments you found your way back to each other. And equally, a long history alone is never a reason to stay. Pasted text In this episode: - What nearly 14 years of marriage has taught Zoe about love - Chemistry, attraction and keeping intimacy alive - Anxious and avoidant attachment inside a long relationship - Why Zoe and Benji started couples therapy early - Going to therapy before the relationship is in crisis - Why separate bedrooms and separate lives don't necessarily mean disconnection - Careers, ambition and knowing when your partner needs more from you - Resentment and the small changes that can prevent it building - Fighting in front of children — and why repair matters - Sex, touch and intimacy after years together - Dating your partner again - Why one person cannot meet every emotional need - Social media, relationship advice and the pressure to interpret every difficulty as a “red flag” - The difference between simply staying and actively choosing each other Dear Gabriella A listener has been married for 13 years. There’s been no affair, abuse or enormous betrayal. They’re good friends, good parents and their life works — but sex, intimacy and conversations that aren't about children, money or household logistics have almost disappeared.r?” Zoe and Gabriella unpack whether a relationship like this needs an ending… or simply needs some oxygen. 🎙️ Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare — Season 3, Episode 3 Have a relationship question you’ve never known how to ask? Submit a Dear Gabriella or Don’t Do What I Did anonymously at gabriellapomare.com, or DM @thegabriellapomare. Before It Breaks, Gabriella’s new book exploring modern love, conflict, disconnection, repair and the conversations that change everything, is coming in 2027.
Sometimes a relationship ends with a clear moment. An affair. A message. A fight. Somebody walking out. But sometimes there is no single moment at all. Two people slowly stop being a couple, and by the time one person finally says, “I don't think I want to do this anymore,” the other is left wondering when the relationship actually ended. In Episode 2 of Season 3 of Before It Breaks, Gabriella Pomare asks one of the more complicated questions facing modern relationships: Are we leaving too soon? Or did previous generations simply stay far too long? We now have more relationship information than ever before. Within seconds, social media can explain attachment styles, emotional labour, childhood wounds, boundaries, narcissism, trauma, red flags and whether someone thinks you should leave. Some of that language has helped people recognise unhealthy dynamics that previous generations may simply have tolerated. But has access to so much information also made us more likely to interpret every difficult season as evidence that we are with the wrong person? Through two Dear Gabriella relationship dilemmas, Gabriella explores the difference between a relationship that is going through a hard season and one that is genuinely becoming disconnected. The conversation also moves into resentment and contempt, attachment patterns, and the familiar pursue-withdraw cycle where one partner responds to distance by moving closer while the other responds to pressure by moving further away. And then there is something we rarely talk about seriously in long relationships:the ick. What happens when nothing dramatic has occurred, but suddenly you don't want your partner touching you anymore? Is that evidence the relationship is over? Or could the body sometimes be responding to resentment, exhaustion, emotional disconnection, the mental load or years of feeling unseen? This episode explores: hard season vs genuine disconnection whether modern couples are leaving too quickly burnout and relationship dissatisfaction work becoming an emotional escape losing yourself inside marriage and parenthood resentment turning into contempt anxious and avoidant attachment patterns why leaving a relationship doesn't necessarily mean leaving your patterns behind emotional withdrawal before separation the ick and loss of desire in long relationships whether attraction can return social media and modern relationship expectations staying too long vs leaving too quickly what real repair actually requires SUBMIT TO DEAR GABRIELLA Have a relationship dilemma, anonymous question or story you want Gabriella to unpack? Submit anonymously through the link at gabriellapomare.com or DM Gabriella on Instagram at @thegabriellapomare. You can also submit your Don't Do What I Did — the thing you understand now that you wish you had understood earlier.'' Chapters: 00:00 Intro and recap of last week's episode 00:52 Relationships ending in 2026 and the comparison trap 02:24 Dear Gabriella: 14 years, disconnected but not fighting 05:16 Numb about the marriage or numb about life 08:28 Resentment, the quiet relationship killer 10:20 Attachment patterns and the pursue/withdraw cycle 11:52 Leaving too soon or staying too long 13:24 The ick, information not instruction 17:04 Don't Do What I Did: processed the breakup alone 18:36 Outro, submissions, and the book announcement