My abusive father has died. Why am I grieving? | Agony Aunties

This week’s listener is struggling with the death of her father, who sexually abused her as a child and never acknowledged what he had done. Psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore the lasting impact of childhood sexual abuse, the complicated grief that can follow the death of an abusive parent and how to find healing from childhood trauma.

After confronting her father thirty years ago, the listener was met with denial so cut off contact. While she believed she had moved forward, his recent death has resurfaced unresolved childhood trauma, leaving her processing grief for not receiving justice or validation.

Alongside her daughters Sophie and Emily, Julia explores why the death of an estranged parent can reignite childhood trauma, the complicated shame carried by survivors of abuse, and how to find validation when an apology will never arrive.

The Agony Aunties discuss the pathway to trauma recovery, how to navigate contradictory emotions like anger and relief, and why emotional healing does not depend on forgiveness, but can start with self-compassion.

Warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood sexual abuse and trauma.

Support and further reading: If you have experienced childhood sexual abuse, or if this conversation has brought up difficult feelings, the following organisations and resources may be helpful: Janina Fisher – Psychologist and trauma specialist whose work explores the lasting impact of childhood trauma, shame and dissociation, and approaches to healing. Carolyn Spring – Articles and resources exploring childhood sexual abuse, trauma, recovery and the emotional impact of abuse in adulthood. NAPAC – National Association for People Abused in Childhood – Confidential support and resources for adult survivors of childhood abuse. SurvivorsUK – Specialist support for men, boys and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence or abuse. The Survivors Trust – A national network of specialist services supporting survivors of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse.

Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: [email protected]

Never miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. You can also watch episodes of Therapy Works on Julia’s YouTube page. Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional well-being. Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.

Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie Samuel Producer: Georgie Rutherford Executive Producer: Emily Leahy Video Producer: Darren Michael Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.