E135: Are You the Overfunctioner or the Underfunctioner? How to Identify Your Role and Change Your First Move

You were taught what to believe before you were old enough to choose. Now you're wondering how much of it is really yours. What if you could start sorting it out gently, without having to decide everything at once? This minisode follows my full length conversation on Monday with Brea's Kafentzis on religious trauma, faith, family, and identity. In this episode, I talk about: What religious trauma is, what it isn't, and why it can be part of a complex trauma story How attachment and the need to stay connected shape what we believe as children How shame, hypervigilance, people pleasing, and difficulty trusting yourself can show up after growing up in high-control or high-expectation faith environments A simple three-column skill called Sorting What's Yours: still true for me, handed to me, and not sure or not safe to look at yet Questions to ask yourself when you're ready to explore one belief at a time How to meet the guilt and fear that come with questioning, and why every relationship to faith is welcome here

What happens when your parents aren’t just your parents, but are treated as synonymous with God? In this episode, I sit down with Brea Kafentzis, a licensed therapist who was once an LPC Associate under my supervision and now specializes in religious trauma. Brea is a PK, a preacher’s kid, and she knows this territory from the inside as well as from the therapy chair. Brea opens up about growing up in the spotlight of an evangelical megachurch, where belonging depended on performance and the real self had to stay hidden. Together we explore where religious trauma and complex trauma overlap, from shame and hypervigilance to black and white thinking, people pleasing, and perfectionism. We talk about purity culture, fear-based messages given to children, and why so many of us learned early not to trust our own thoughts, feelings, or body. In this episode, we cover: What being a preacher’s kid demands of a child, both spoken and unspoken How faith, family, and identity get fused together, and why role shifts feel so earth-shattering Why religious trauma is complex trauma, and how it shows up as shame, people pleasing, and perfectionism The somatic side of healing and learning to listen to your body’s signals Losing an attachment figure through deconstruction, and the grief that follows Setting boundaries with family and faith communities Finding a therapist who can truly hold space without judgment

Your chest tightens, your attention snaps to someone else's mood, and you're already planning how to fix it. What if that rush to rescue isn't a flaw, but a reflex you learned as a kid, and one you can learn to pause? This minisode follows our full episode on parentification and CPTSD with a practical skill. In this episode, I talk about: How to recognize the body signature of the caretaker reflex The "Whose Is This?" check: whose problem it is, what you're being asked to do versus what you're about to do, and what you need The difference between being responsible to someone and responsible for someone Language you can borrow for supporting someone without taking over, buying time, saying no, and talking to yourself Why guilt shows up when you do something new, and how to start with small, low-stakes practice A small experiment in receiving

You're the one everyone leans on, the first to notice when someone's upset, and the last to ask for help. Nobody hurt you, you were just "so mature." What if that role wasn't a personality trait at all, but something you learned to survive? A listener asked me to unpack parentification, a term we hear a lot in the therapy world but don't always fully understand. In this episode, I talk about: What parentification actually is, the difference between practical and emotional versions, and how it differs from kids helping out How culture and context shape the picture, and why it can be a source of both pride and pain Why it happens, and how intent and impact can both be true How parentification connects to complex trauma, attachment, hypervigilance, the fawn response, and self-abandonment Common ways it shows up in adulthood, from over-functioning and burnout to people pleasing and trouble receiving The grief and guilt that can come with naming it, and why guilt is often loyalty Seven gentle steps toward healing, including learning the difference between being responsible to someone and responsible for someone

You make the plan, build the system, and do everything "right," and you're still exhausted. If you're a trauma survivor and a recovering people pleaser, what if the thing you keep trying to fix isn't a problem to solve at all? This minisode is a follow-up to my conversation with Luke Richardson on work burnout, where we touched on technical versus adaptive change. Today I want to slow down and unpack it, because so many of you told me it stuck with you. In this episode, I talk about: The difference between technical change (a known solution you can learn, like something you could google) and adaptive change (no existing solution, uncomfortable to name, and asking you to show up differently) Why a technical tool can't do an adaptive job, using burnout as an example Why trauma survivors so often reach for the fix: control once meant safety, looking outward for answers feels safer than self-trust, emotion was something to solve instead of feel, and uncertainty can feel dangerous Why that reach for the fix is an old protector doing its job and not a character flaw A simple practice called Pause, Name, Wonder for noticing the urge to fix and getting curious about what is actually being asked of you Why softening doesn't mean becoming a pushover, and why adaptive change heals best in relationship and community