How to Stop Being Socially Awkward (According to Science) with Behavioral Scientist Vanessa Van Edwards
A Bit of OptimismShow Notes
Maybe this sounds familiar: you leave a party and spend the rest of the night convinced everyone was upset with you. Or you replay something you said in a meeting for days and second-guess every last word. Vanessa Van Edwards has been there. As a self-proclaimed "recovering awkward person," she’s spent two decades decoding the hidden dynamics of human interaction to make those skills teachable for introverts and extroverts alike. Vanessa is a behavioral researcher, bestselling author, and founder of Science of People. In her book, Conversation: How to Be Instantly Likeable in Any Interaction, she makes the case that social skills aren't a personality type, they're learnable. And she believes we are living in the most critical moment in history to start learning them. In this episode you'll learn: ➡️ Why "just be yourself" is unhelpful advice + potentially cruel ➡️ The important everyday interactions technology + AI replaced ➡️ Where to stand at a party so someone always talks to you ➡️ How to have better conversations (+ why you already have the skills) ➡️ What the real antidote to awkwardness is ➡️ How to practice micro-social skills without turning people off ➡️ Why we’re all ambiverts + how to understand ambiversion ➡️ How soft skills drive major career inflection points ➡️ The concept of social fitness + the “nutrition” of your relationships In this conversation, Vanessa lays out how even the most socially anxious among us can build real connections and become more likable… even in a world that has quietly removed all the places we used to accidentally get good at being human. And the secret isn't confidence. It's something far more generous. This… is A Bit of Optimism. + + + Watch A Bit of Optimism on Spotify, and Spotify Premium users can enjoy the show ad-free. + + + To pre-order Vanessa’s new book, Conversation: How to Be Instantly Likeable in Any Interaction, head to: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/conversation/ Want to learn more people skills from Vanessa? Check out The Science of People: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/ + + + Chapters Chapters
00:00:00 Social Skills in the Digital Age Crisis 00:01:47 Vanessa's Journey: The Accidental Social Skills Expert 00:05:45 Mistakes Everyone Makes Learning to Improve Social Skills 00:08:09 Where Did Our Places to Practice Being Human Go? 00:11:17 Where to Stand at a Party When You Don't Know Anyone 00:14:17 The Ambivert Reality: Social Fitness and Friendship Nutrition 00:18:07 The Discomfort Problem: Why Young People Avoid Rather Than Adapt 00:21:33 Put the Shoes in the Box: The Art of Knowing When to Stop 00:34:54 Intention Matches Action: Defining Authenticity 00:46:56 The Power of Being Seen: How Love Changed Everything 00:49:51 The Ultimate Social Skill: Helping Others Feel Normal 00:42:20 Micro-Social Skills: Finding the Parts of Yourself You Like
+ + + Simon is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together. Described as “a visionary thinker with a rare intellect,” Simon has devoted his professional life to help advance a vision of the world that does not yet exist; a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do. Simon is the author of multiple best-selling books including Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, Together is Better, and The Infinite Game. + + + Website: http://simonsinek.com/ Leaderful: https://simonsinek.com/leaderful Podcast: http://apple.co/simonsinek Instagram: https://instagram.com/simonsinek/ Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/simonsinek/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/simonsinek Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek
More from A Bit of Optimism
Hello from Team Simon! Brand-new episodes of A Bit of Optimism are back next Tuesday, October 27. Before then, we're revisiting one last favorite: the company Simon names whenever someone asks which business actually lives the ideas he writes about. It's Gymshark, and its founder, Ben Francis.
Hello from Team Simon! We’re taking a few weeks off and will be back with brand-new episodes of A Bit of Optimism on Tuesday, October 27.
Team Simon here! A Bit of Optimism is on a short break, and brand-new episodes return October 27. Until then, we're revisiting a few conversations we keep coming back to.
Hello from Team Simon! We're taking a few weeks off and will be back with brand-new episodes of A Bit of Optimism on Tuesday, October 27. Until then, we're revisiting some of our favorite conversations, starting with one of the most fun we've ever had: Rob Lowe.
Be honest: you've taken a mental health day that made you feel worse. You stayed in bed, you avoided the thing, and by evening it was still waiting for you—with less of the day left to face it. Amy Morin thinks the problem starts with the word. We treat mental health as something you either have or you don't… and framed that way, there's nothing to actually do on a bad day. Her work runs on the opposite premise: mental strength is a practice, and you build it like you'd build anything else. Amy is a psychotherapist, a clinical social worker, and the author of the bestseller 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do and the new The Mental Strength Playbook. She became a therapist at 22 and lost her mother at 23. Three years later—to the day—her husband died, and the mental health agency where she worked gave her three days of bereavement leave. She built the practices that became her book in real time, from there. In this conversation, Amy walks through exactly what she did to get mentally fit. Not as theory, but as the small, unglamorous things that got her out of bed. And I press her on the question nobody in her field says out loud: whether an industry built to help us has any incentive to finish the job. In this episode you'll learn: ➡️ Why the mental health day you take to feel better isn’t helping ➡️ How to tell whether to solve the problem or solve the feeling (most of us pick wrong) ➡️ The 15-minute daily exercise Amy's clients say lifts the weight of the world ➡️ Why "I am anxious" and "I have anxiety sometimes" build two different lives ➡️ How to compromise with yourself on a bad day instead of going all-or-nothing ➡️ Why "I'm just staying busy" is avoidance we've learned to compliment ➡️ What playing the victim actually gives you (+ why it's so hard to give up) ➡️ Simon's rule for hard days: no crying alone Amy's argument is a hopeful one: the feeling follows the action. Do one small, ordinary thing today, and you've already started. This… is A Bit of Optimism. + + + This episode is brought to you by SAP. Bring it with SAP GROW. The AI Cloud ERP for any size business. Learn more at https://SAP.com/GROW + + + If you’d like to buy Amy’s new book, The Mental Strength Playbook, head to: https://amymorinlcsw.com/books/ + + + Chapters + + + Simon is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together. Described as “a visionary thinker with a rare intellect,” Simon has devoted his professional life to help advance a vision of the world that does not yet exist; a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do. Simon is the author of multiple best-selling books including Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, Together is Better, and The Infinite Game. + + + Website: http://simonsinek.com/ Leaderful: https://simonsinek.com/leaderful Podcast: http://apple.co/simonsinek Instagram: https://instagram.com/simonsinek/ Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/simonsinek/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/simonsinek Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek