Show Notes
Where does self-confidence come from ? Some children are bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us can tap into. Everyone wants it for their kids but where does self-confidence actually come from? Some children seem to be bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us - parents included- can tap into. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Sally's* son James* has always been one of the best runners in his year. In fact, he usually wins most races. But lately, he hasn't wanted to try. Sally thinks a sense of expectation from others that he would win has sapped his confidence. "I tried lots of encouragement, reminding him that it didn't really matter if he won the race or not. It was just, kind of, doing your best." "But I just felt it got to the point where he thought it was more fun to just run with his friends and not have that expectation on him." Her other two children went through similar phases. "Definitely, I think all three of them had confidence issues." The quest for confidence Confidence in children can seem like the holy grail for concerned parents. So why do some kids lack this elusive quality while others appear bulletproof? Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said many parents believed confidence was innate. "We often hear people described as either confident or not confident as if it's a thing we're born with." Instead, it was a learned behaviour and could fluctuate throughout a person's life. "Some might seem like they were born with an in-built Teflon shield to repel the opinions of others and the difficulties life might throw at them." However, rather than having an excess of some quality, it was more likely that they simply lacked anxiety 'which is often the thing that holds us back or saps our energy.' Most people had a kind of internal alarm system that went off in the presence of danger but that same alarm could be triggered by normal life challenges, Gallagher explained. ''The frustration we feel when we're struggling with a problem or which we visibly see when we see a baby struggling to roll over or pull themselves up, it actually serves a purpose.'' When a person faced any kind of challenge, their brain tried to draw upon a similar experience to model what to do next, Gallagher said… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
More from Are We There Yet?
In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the every least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.
Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings. What price freedom ? Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Ellen* is the first to describe herself as 'a bit of a worrier'. ''I'm the parent that's scared of vans pulling up near my children, you know child abductions." As they've got older she's less stressed about it but she does monitor her children's phones - with their consent. ''I like to be able to track where they're going on their phones. They've never had a problem with that because they know that I'm a little bit paranoid." She's happy that her ex-partner does plenty of outdoor and riskier activities with them while she 'grits her teeth' " are really nice about it but it's definitely something I've had to work on as a parent.'' And Laura* has been going through the same thing with her teenage son who has been brought up in a rural setting but is beginning to explore the city. "Initially that was quite unnerving for me because you just never know what he's going to come across when he's wandering around the central city by himself." And then there's the drinking culture. ''The biggest challenge we've had over the last 12 months with him is alcohol. He's in a situation where he's going to parties where people are drinking and drinking heavily at 15 and 16.'' At a recent party Laura allowed him to take two drinks and a post-party debrief showed that was a good compromise. "He was happy that that's all he'd taken and he'd seen how ridiculous people got. He was very mature about it. I kind of have a bit of faith in him in that sense that he does make the right decisions." In fact, knowing what to allow at what age is a tough one for any parent to navigate. Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said children inevitably changed as they got older. ''When is the right time and around what issues are we going to change with our kids?" "That gets complicated. Whoever said this parenting gig wasn't complicated was probably lying.''… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb, kids will eventually say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable and what to let slide? Katy Gosset looks at swearing and its subtleties. Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb sooner or later our kids are probably going to say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable in our homes and what we're prepared to let slide? Katy Gosset takes a look at swearing and its subtleties. And yes, a little warning - the audio contains some swearing! Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Rhiannon's* son, Luke*, has well and truly discovered 'the f-word'. At age 15, it's very much his means of expressing himself, sometimes 'with a bang or thump of irritation on the wall'. And while he hasn't specifically sworn at her, Rhiannon is concerned by how often the word comes out. 'It's mostly 'Oh for f-'s sake'. Quite often directed at his little sister: 'Oh you're such an effing b_." In Melissa's case, it came out when she was least expecting it, on a shopping trip with her two-year-old. ''Calling me 'an effing f-er' in the middle of the supermarket once. It was one of those moments when it just boomed across the whole place. Everyone went silent and all you could hear was him swearing.'' Maeve's* kids are also young so she's still contending with 'things like "poo bum", you know all that potty language.' It's not what any of these Mums want to be hearing. Still, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, says swearing is all relative. ''Swearing means different things to different people. For some, it's an absolute no. For others, there's a time and a place and for others, well, there's always a time and a place.'' While it was not possible to completely control children's swearing, parents could learn to manage and reduce its use, particularly in the home. It was partly because swearing was such a trigger for some parents that it had become a great way to get a reaction. ''Kids are going to be exposed to different influences and if you react big time then in a child's mind it becomes an even bigger trump card to pull out when they're angry and they want a reaction.'' Don't mention the swearing Of course, it's tempting to just ignore it and rise above the provocation. Easier said than done. Gallagher warned it only worked if parents were genuinely ignoring the swearing rather than just pretending… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way. How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times ? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. It's one of the things Sam* finds hardest about parenthood: 'asking your kids to do things over and over again.' Cue a collective sigh of sympathy from parents because (let's face it) we've all been there. But even if it's an uphill battle most parents stick at it because they believe chores are part of family life. ''We're not their slaves. We expect them to participate in the household,' Sam said. All the more so when the family is large, like Alison's*. "I do say fairly often that I was not put on this earth to look after six people constantly." As a result she has a three week roster, where children alternate filling and emptying the dishwasher, setting and clearing tables and putting out rubbish. But there can still be resistance. "Especially if it's something that's an outside job, you know you get the whole 'Oh I don't want to go outside because it's cold'." So it's a relief to hear that, despite all the moaning, it's worth our efforts to persevere. Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said all young people needed chores and things to be responsible for. "It's good for them both in that moment and it also helps them grow into people that can eventually leave home and function with some semblance of independence on their own." It also prepared them for the sometimes mundane realities of life. ''I think it's really important because it helps out but it's also about, how do they actually do some frustrating, boring things because that's kind of life." Gallagher acknowledged that children wouldn't always share that view. "It would be kind of weird if they did. Why would I stop doing what I enjoy doing and go and set the table?" Part of the issue was that children were susceptible to the 'problem of immediate gratification' or PIG, she said. "In fact, some adults are still pretty vulnerable to that as well, just saying." Children needed help to shift from the immediate gratification of whatever game or activity they had been doing to a new task, she said… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
"It's not fair!" Kids say it. We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues. "Ít's not fair !" Kids say it . We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Joanna's son has been invited to a birthday party but his sister doesn't understand why she can't go too. "So that's not fair in her eyes." Welcome to the world of children. All things should be equal or at least fair, shouldn't they ? Not really. It's one of the first harsh lessons in life for kids. Most parents attempt to create an environment in which children are treated fairly. "I do make an effort to spend time with each of them. Doesn't always work but that's the goal," Joanna said. But children are very attune to any disparity and hence that catch cry of childhood, "It's not fair!" Clinical psychologist and mother of two, Catherine Gallagher, is no stranger to it herself. "That cry is so familiar as a parent but it can also strike fear into our hearts because what if they're right?" But what if things aren't meant to be entirely fair ? In the past, fairness between siblings was less common with boys, particularly older ones, receiving many benefits, Gallagher said. Whilst she didn't advocate a return to 'male privilege', she believed the pendulum had now swung too far in the other direction, creating a situation where no one was left disappointed or having to wait for anything. In some cases schools were running classes to prepare children for the fact that they might not get an award, she said. "The pendulum is out of hand." Daring to be (just a bit) unfair Many parents believed coping with unfairness was somehow harmful to a child, Gallagher said. In fact it was character-building. A good approach was to create a 'middle ground where we typically get what we need, sometimes get what we want, but actually we also have to deal with the fact that someone else is getting something we're not.' To learn this lesson it was important that life had some unfairness in it, she said. "Because someone's getting the job and someone won't. In a race someone actually worked really hard to win that race and if you're last, that doesn't make you a lesser person, it just makes you not so fast."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details