Show Notes
"No one's ever actually said that to me before." People heal when they feel safe enough to be honest. And they feel safe enough to be honest when someone has shown them — consistently, over time — that they are not going anywhere. At The Resilient Kid, everything we do comes back to two things: meeting young people where they are, and wrapping around them 360 degrees. Because a young person doesn’t exist in isolation. They exist in a family, in a school, and in a community. Today, I want to tell you what that looks like in practice. This is Ryan’s story. WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT Ryan was fourteen when he came to us. Hood up, arms folded, absolutely certain this wasn’t going to work. His dad had left when he was seven — not with a dramatic moment, just a slow fade — and for seven years Ryan had been quietly carrying one question: what did I do wrong? His mum was loving, exhausted, and stuck in a cycle she hadn’t chosen. His school described him as fine. And fine, in our experience, is one of the most worrying words there is. This episode is about what happened when we met Ryan where he was, wrapped around his whole world — therapy room, family home, school corridor — and stayed. It’s about why healing never happens in isolation. It happens in relationship. KEY IDEAS IN THIS EPISODE The relationship is the intervention — young people need to feel seen and safe before they can open up. Meet them where they are — not where we need them to be, or where the system expects them to be. Behaviour is communication — our job is to understand the need underneath it. The 360 Wrap matters — family, school, and professionals working together creates real change. Repair builds trust — staying through the difficult moments can be part of the healing. THE 360 WRAP IN PRACTICE In Ryan’s story, the work wasn’t just happening in one session a week. It was happening through conversations with Mum, check-ins with school, and shared understanding between the adults around him. When the same language is spoken at home, in school, and in the therapy room, a young person begins to feel held. They begin to believe the adults around them are working together — and that they are not alone. A NOTE ON THE STORY Ryan is a fictionalised composite, created to protect client confidentiality while honouring the truth of the work. He is not one specific young person — but he represents many real ones. Every detail has been changed. The emotional truth has not. TIME STAMPS 00:00 — Intro: The heart of The Resilient Kid02:00 — Ryan’s Story, Part One07:00 — Why the relationship is the intervention12:00 — The 360 Wrap in practice15:00 — Ryan’s Story, Part Two19:00 — Youth mental health and the gap22:00 — For parents, teachers, and young people24:00 — Outro FIND THE RESOURCES IN OUR LISTENERS’ LOUNGE You can find more information, links, research, and resources inside our Listeners’ Lounge: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge JOIN THE CONVERSATION Did this episode resonate? Are you a parent in the cycle, a teacher with a Ryan in your class, or someone who was once that young person carrying something too heavy alone? Share your thoughts using #TheResilientKid #SomeoneFinallyStayed IF THIS EPISODE MOVED YOU Please consider leaving a review, sharing the episode with a parent, teacher, or professional, or passing it on to anyone working with young people who needs to be reminded that the relationship is the intervention. USEFUL LINKS If you'd like to know more about how we work with young people, families, and schools together — or if you have a young person in your life who needs support — we'd love to hear from you. Get “A Parent’s Guide To Raising A Resilient Kid”: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresilientkid957 Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk
More from Resilient Kid: Therapy and tips for raising strong kids and teens
What if the child who's hardest to teach is telling you something important? In the last week before half-term, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello asks one question that changes how we respond to behaviour. She explores the iceberg beneath what we see, why "attention-seeking" is often connection-seeking, and what to do in the moment when you have no idea why a child is struggling. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: One question that changes everything: "What is this behaviour telling me?" The iceberg model, and why rewards and sanctions bounce off a flipped lid Joe and the book on the floor: attention-seeking or connection-seeking? Children do well if they can: behaviour as a lagging skill Before the storm: the relational bank account and early warning signs Try it tomorrow: the iceberg pause, and a four-step response for when you don't know why When you don't know why: four steps 1. Calm voice: slow it down, take a breath, drop your shoulders 2. Fewer demands: in the storm, ask less, not more 3. Stay close, but not too close: get down to their level, slightly to the side 4. Name what you see, without judgement: "Something feels really hard right now, and I'm here" Next week: Calm is contagious. Co-regulation, practical tools for breathing, movement and calm corners, and a half-term look at your own wellbeing. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/5i9tZ5jtiTI • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] "Children do well if they can" and lagging skills draw on the work of Dr Ross Greene. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why can a child manage their phonics on Tuesday but not on Monday morning? Following World Mental Health Day, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello takes educators inside the developing brain. She explains why a stressed child can't learn, what "flipping your lid" really means, and how a predictable routine can keep more children in their learning zone. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: Why the thinking brain is still under construction until the mid to late twenties The upstairs and downstairs brain, and why logic doesn't work mid-meltdown Fight, flight, and freeze, and a fourth response that hides in plain sight (fawning) The hand model: a simple way to explain flipping your lid to children The window of tolerance, and why every child's window is a different size Alfie and the bin: rethinking Monday mornings Try it tomorrow: teach the hand model, and build a Monday soft landing The hand model in four steps: 1. Thumb across the palm: the downstairs brain, your feelings and smoke alarm 2. Fingers folded over the top: the upstairs brain, your thinking brain, looking after your feelings 3. Fingers flip up: big feelings have flipped your lid 4. Fold them back down slowly: with breathing, movement, quiet, and a calm grown-up Next week: What behaviour is trying to tell us. The iceberg beneath the behaviour, and why "attention-seeking" may be the most misunderstood phrase in education. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The upstairs/downstairs brain, hand model, and window of tolerance draw on the work of Dr Daniel Siegel. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why are so many children arriving at school already in survival mode, and what can educators actually do about it? In the first episode of The Resilient Classroom, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello shares the story of the lion in the attic, looks at how childhood has changed, and introduces GROW: a simple, honest framework for turning mistakes into the place where resilience is built. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: The lion in the attic, and why so many children arrive in fight or flight What has changed: lost micro-moments of independence, the shrinking village, and the removal of everyday risk What resilience is (bouncing forward) and what it is not (toughness, the absence of struggle, or a fixed trait) Psychological safety: the foundation the book's ten components of resilience stand on Isla and the screwed-up page: GROW in action Try it tomorrow: GROW on the wall and "Let's GROW this" The GROW framework: G – Getting it wrong: the attempt is the point R – Reflecting: what happened, what did I notice, what did I feel? O – Owning it: responsibility without shame W – Working it out: what will I try next? Next week: The brain that walks into your classroom. Upstairs and downstairs brain, the hand model, and why Mondays can be the hardest day. Find out more & Links: • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT In this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Final Episode Setup • 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework • 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review • 07:19 — Why Gradual Works • 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options • 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan • 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples • 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement • 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first. 2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit). 3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence. 4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving. 5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework • UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs • Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways • C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal • Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty • SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.
The Resilient Kid Podcast Season 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up "The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT Focusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer • 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking • 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident • 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data • 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring • 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers • 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy • 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination • 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones • 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together. 2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later. 3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections. 4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations. 5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%) • BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition • C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance • Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study • Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion • BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.