266. The Check-In Questions I Swear By + Tips For Starting

What if building a lasting relationship has less to do with falling in love and more to do with knowing yourself, choosing the right person, and learning how to love someone who is different from you? In this episode, I’m talking with relationship expert Kristy Scher about why we can’t rely on chemistry and the excitement of falling in love alone to build a lasting relationship, and how developing self-awareness and taking responsibility for our own behavior can change the way we show up in relationships. Kristy breaks down the difference between falling in love and mature love, why disillusionment is a necessary part of building intimacy, and how learning to tolerate discomfort and embrace our differences can help us create deeper, more connected relationships. We’re getting into how to... Find the right fit instead of getting swept up in the intensity of falling in love Understand the three essentials of a lasting partnership: love, lust, and like Move through disillusionment and build mature love Stay true to yourself while making room for your partner to be different Recognize how social media shapes our views of relationships and gender Understand how childhood experiences and personal wounds affect our relationships Take responsibility for your own behavior instead of focusing only on your partner’s flaws Appreciate your partner’s efforts while giving grace without dropping your standards Get comfortable with silence and stop feeling responsible for carrying every conversation Stop imagining a future with someone before you know them and learn to tolerate uncertainty in dating

Have you ever gone on what felt like a really good date, only to get the dreaded “I had a great time, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” text afterward? In this episode, I’m breaking down what actually creates romantic connection in early dating and 10 ways to make it easier for that connection to develop without forcing chemistry, performing, or trying to convince someone to like you. I’m getting into... What a romantic connection actually feels like in the first few dates Why a great conversation doesn’t always translate into romantic chemistry Why first dates can feel more like performances than real connection The interview, audition, and evaluation date traps that keep dates feeling platonic Why playing it cool and waiting for the other person to make every move can kill momentum How compliments, vulnerability, and follow-up questions create more connection Why showing more of your personality makes you more attractive to the right people The role texting and between-date communication plays in building momentum Why physical touch and flirting matter and how to do both without making things overly sexual How being honest about your interest can make dating feel less confusing Why talking about your goals and dreams can create surprising intimacy How to give someone more access to the real you without oversharing Why your job isn’t to make someone like you, but to make it possible for them to actually get to know you Plus, I answer a Dating Dilemma from a listener wondering how to embrace a slow burn when the person she’s dating is still seeing other people, including how to think about exclusivity, sex, and boundaries in early dating.

What if getting divorced wasn’t the end of your love story, but a chance to rebuild your life and learn to date in a completely different way? In this episode, I’m talking with dating-after-divorce creator Alex Daly about dating after divorce, rebuilding your life from scratch, and how approaching dating with curiosity and an experimental mindset can help you figure out what you actually want. Alex shares her experience of getting divorced in her late 30s, moving to a new city, and re-entering the dating world after a long break. We’re talking about her Hoe era, why dating doesn’t have to be so serious, and how letting go of the pressure to find a relationship can actually create space for a connection to develop naturally. We’re getting into how to... Rebuild your life and approach dating after divorce Use dating as an opportunity to explore what you actually want Have a "Hoe era" without shame, guilt, or putting pressure on yourself to find a relationship Date safely and have conversations about sexual health Handle ghosting and other disappointing parts of dating without taking them personally Let go of arbitrary dating rules and take an experimental approach instead Know when it’s time to try dating outside of your usual “type” Transition from enjoying your single life into a relationship without rushing it Have check-in conversations with a new partner without turning them into pressure-filled “what are we?” conversations Look at your own patterns and take responsibility for how you show up in relationships Talk about divorce in early dating without oversharing or bad-mouthing your ex Build a relationship differently after learning from what didn’t work in the past Trust that it’s never too late to start over, date, explore, or find love Plus, Alex and I answer a dating dilemma from a listener who has spent years repeating a cycle with her ex-husband and continues to find herself attracted to men who don’t choose her. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS 😎 Zenni: Get 15% off your first order and free shipping on orders over $65 MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link) Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating? Say hi on Instagram Book a 1:1 with me Submit a dating dilemma See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

How fast should a relationship actually move? In this episode, I’m breaking down one of the trickiest parts of early dating: what to do when you and the person you’re dating aren’t moving at the same pace. We’ll talk about why pacing mismatches are so normal, how to tell when a relationship is simply moving slowly versus going nowhere, and how to navigate it when one person is ready for the next step before the other. I'm getting into... Why there’s no universal timeline for becoming official, having sex, saying “I love you,” or hitting other relationship milestones The difference between a pacing mismatch and a pacing problem Why wanting the same relationship but moving at different speeds can still work How to talk about pacing without turning every date into a relationship check-in What to say when you need more time or when you’re the one waiting Why someone moving slowly doesn’t necessarily mean they’re less interested in you How to know when “slow” has become stagnant The five areas of a relationship where you should still see some forward motion Why catching feelings makes pacing feel so much more stressful How to stay present and keep vetting someone instead of obsessing over the next milestone Plus, I answer a Dating Dilemma from a listener whose two past connections unexpectedly came back into her life. MENTIONED: The Slow Burn Masterclass: How To Stop Rushing Connections - live on 10/19! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS 😎 Zenni: Get 15% off your first order and free shipping on orders over $65 MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link) Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating? Say hi on Instagram Book a 1:1 with me Submit a dating dilemma

Why do so many couples who believe in equality still end up falling into traditional gender roles? I’m joined by Stefanie O’Connell Rodriguez, author of The Ambition Penalty, to talk about what happens when money, ambition, power, and gender collide in dating and relationships. We get into why women’s success can create unexpected tension in heterosexual relationships, what happens when a woman earns more than her male partner, and why saying you want an equal relationship is very different from building one in practice. We also talk about dating when you’re financially successful, expanding what it means to “provide,” when to start talking about money, and how to think about a partner who isn’t where you want them to be financially. In this episode... Why modern couples still fall into traditional gender roles What can happen when a woman earns more than her male partner Why believing in equality doesn’t automatically create an equal relationship What real support for an ambitious partner looks like in practice Why “providing” in a relationship should mean much more than money When and how to start talking about salary, debt, savings, and finances while dating How to date someone who is financially behind without dating their potential Why having a full life and strong community outside your relationship matters