Show Notes
A listener writes in about her dad, who she used to think was the good parent. Her mum stonewalled, gaslit and shamed her and her siblings from the time they were tiny, and her dad never stood up to her, and sometimes even agreed with her to save his own skin. Now a parent herself, she stood up to her tall, large ex-husband whenever he was unkind to their scapegoated child. Every conversation with her dad ends in a row, and she is angrier with him than with her mum. She wants to know how to become less angry with him.
In this episode Helen works through why the question may be the wrong way round, why discovering the enabling parent can feel like a second betrayal, and what the anger may actually be protecting.
Covered in this episode:
- The second betrayal, and why the "safe" parent can hurt the most - Why enabling behaviour serves the enabling parent, and why being abused too does not remove a parent's duty to protect their child - Secondary reactive anger, and what it may be protecting - Toxic hope, intermittent reinforcement and why an apology cannot give you the parent you needed - What to do when the rage starts, and the question to ask yourself afterwards - Three questions to ask before deciding whether to raise it with him
Helen covers the enabling parent, and the different types of enabling parent, in more depth in episode 3 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.
Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.
Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/ The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub Aperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk
If anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.
More from Am I The Problem?
A listener who is pregnant with her first baby writes in about her mother. At her wedding, her mum chose the colour scheme, the caterers, the venue and even the dress, and the listener went along with it to keep the peace. Now her mum is pushing for the baby's name, the nursery colour and a place in the delivery room. When the listener said she wanted her husband as her birth partner, her mum called it her right as a mother, then stopped speaking to her for three weeks and told people she was being excluded. Her sister calls her cruel, her dad wants an apology, and her husband is furious. She wants to know who is right, and how to tell her mum to back off without upsetting her.
A listener overhears her husband telling a room full of men he wishes she would lose weight, because he “didn’t sign up for a fat wife”. She says nothing until they get home. He turns on her for eavesdropping, then collapses into how much he hates himself, and she ends the night comforting him. Four weeks later he does it again while she is cooking dinner, and adds that she is going to make the children fat too. She has written in asking whether she is being oversensitive, because she has put on weight, and because he says he is only worried about her. In this episode Helen works through what is actually happening in that pattern: why being overheard is not eavesdropping, why “I didn’t sign up for a fat wife” is a punchline rather than concern, and why a sorry that arrives after the anger has failed is doing the same job the anger was doing. Covered in this episode: Deflection, or what is colloquially called DARVO, and how it moves the argument onto you
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