226. Distress Tolerance vs. Emotional Avoidance | What Works

Are adults accidentally making anxiety stronger?

In this episode of Overpowering Emotions, Dr. Caroline Buzanko explains why accommodation, reassurance, and avoidance — even when well-intentioned — keep kids stuck in fear. Drawing from clinical work and real-world examples, she shows why discomfort is where learning lives and why confidence grows only when kids stay in the situation.

This episode is for parents, teachers, school teams, and clinicians who want children to tolerate frustration, build resilience, and trust themselves.

You’ll hear: Why avoidance fuels anxiety How reassurance backfires Why stopping accommodation matters more than teaching skills What validation sounds like without reinforcing fear How adults regulate themselves so kids can regulate too

🎧 Free training mentioned in this episode: Avoiding Common Mistakes with Anxiety https://koru-learning-institute.thinkific.com/courses/avoidingcommonmistakeswithanxiety

Listen, share, and support kids in becoming brave.

Homework Ideas for Adults

Start small. One change at a time is enough.

Practise emotional neutrality When a child is distressed, your first job is managing your own response. Neutral tone. Neutral body language. Calm breathing. Kids borrow your nervous system before they can use their own.

Spot one accommodation to pause this week Pick a single behaviour you’ll stop adjusting around anxiety. Not everything — just one. Common places to look: answering repeated “are you sure?” questions changing routines to avoid discomfort allowing avoidance of tests, presentations, or social situations staying with a child longer than needed to reduce anxiety offering constant reassurance instead of confidence

Validate feelings without discussing outcomes Name the emotion and stop there. No fixing. No convincing. No explaining. Short responses work best.

Use one steady script Choose a single line and repeat it calmly: “I know this is hard.” “I know you can handle this.” “Let me know when you’re ready.” Consistency matters more than wording.

👉 Free scripts you can use right away: 5 Phrases That Calm Anxious Kids (Without Reinforcing Anxiety) https://korulearninginstitute.kit.com/5phrasesthatcalmanxiouskids

Model frustration out loud Let kids hear you work through something difficult. Show effort, pauses, mistakes, and recovery. This teaches far more than advice ever will.

Hold the line kindly When resistance shows up — crying, whining, stalling — stay calm and wait. Courage grows through staying, not escaping.

Enjoying the show? Help out by rating this podcast on Apple to help others get access to this information too! apple.co/3ysFijh

Follow Dr. Caroline YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carolinebuzanko IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.carolinebuzanko/ LinkedIn: https://ca.linkedin.com/in/dr-caroline-buzanko Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrCarolineBuzanko/ Website: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/ Resources: https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/resources/articles-child-resilience-well-being-psychology/ Business inquiries: https://korupsychology.ca/contact-us/

Want to learn more about helping kids strengthen their emotion regulation skills and problem-solving brains while boosting their confidence, independence, and resilience? Check out my many training opportunities! https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/upcoming-events/