Getting Back Into a Body You Have Been at War With

Content warning: This episode discusses depression, suicidal thoughts, and intrusive thoughts. Please listen when you're in a steady place, and protect your peace if today isn't the day. Sarai is open about having intrusive thoughts but is clear that she is not suicidal and has no plan....the difference between the two is a central part of this episode. This is the rawest episode Sarai has ever recorded, and the last one before Combative Calm takes a summer break. There's no tidy framework here and no "five tools to fix it." It's just Sarai, mask all the way off, telling the truth about what it actually looks like to live with treatment-resistant depression while running a business and showing up for everyone else. She talks about doing deep TMS last fall — driving back and forth between her father's hospice care and her treatment, and losing her dad in the middle of it — and how, months later, the depression has quietly crept back in. She gets honest about the parts most people never say out loud: the weeks where executive function disappears and answering a single text feels impossible, the freeze and the twelve-hour sleeps, and the intrusive thoughts that hit twenty to fifty times a day telling her she shouldn't be here — followed twenty minutes later by laughing with her husband or firing off business ideas. She names the difference between an intrusive thought and a plan, because so many people stay silent out of fear, and that silence is the dangerous part. She talks about masking so well that her own psychiatrist and business manager had no idea she was struggling, what that costs her marriage, and why ketamine therapy is the next thing she's choosing to try — without pretending she knows whether it'll work. The whole point of this one is permission. Permission to be in it and still be functioning. Permission to let your intrusive thoughts be symptoms instead of verdicts. And permission — for Sarai and for you — to rest going into the summer instead of pushing through. What you walk away with: The reminder that you can be deep in depression and still be functioning, and that surviving counts. And the truth that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of a struggling brain — not facts, not a plan, and not who you are. You are not broken, and you are not alone in this. If this one found you where you live, send it to one woman who's masking so hard you'd never guess. That's how the silence breaks — one woman handing it to another.

This episode contains a gentle discussion of body image and eating disorders. If you are currently struggling, please reach out to the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at 1-866-662-1235.

This episode contains discussion of body image, body dysmorphia, and eating disorders. If you are currently struggling, please reach out to the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at 1-866-662-1235. https://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/ Sarai has had an eating disorder for three and a half decades. She has been to treatment. She is still doing the work. And she is done pretending that what the culture is currently doing to women's bodies is anything other than what it actually is. This episode is about where we are right now. The thin ideal making its comeback. The way social media and GLP ones have collided into something that is being sold as wellness and is anything but. And what is actually happening in your brain when you absorb that messaging every single day without the tools to push back against it. We also get into why your therapist's suggestion to write positive body affirmations made you want to cry. And what to do instead when love feels too far away to reach, but you still need somewhere to start. You will walk away understanding the neuroscience behind why your inner critic runs the loops it runs, why positive affirmations do not work when your relationship with your body is that broken, and what body-neutral affirmations actually are and how to use them. This is not a body positivity episode. This is an honest one.

This is the most vulnerable episode Sarai has ever recorded. And she almost did not hit record. In this episode, she gets completely honest about what perimenopause did to her mental health before she even knew what was happening. The intrusive thoughts that showed up quietly and stayed for six months. The trip to Barcelona, where she finally screamed her truth in a hotel room and got shut down for it. The panic attacks she had this week, not a year ago, this week, as a nervous system coach who teaches this stuff for a living. She also gets into the science. What actually happens to estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and your GABA system during perimenopause, why almost a third of women develop panic attacks they have never had before, why women are two to five times more likely to develop a mood disorder during this transition, and why most of them are being handed antidepressants without anyone checking their hormones first.

You have been abandoning yourself in two-second increments your whole life, and this episode is where that stops. The tools, the body check, the energetic tab audit, the weird somatic resets you can do in a bathroom stall before a hard conversation, and the actual words to use when you are right at your capacity line and your brain goes completely blank. We also talk about what it actually feels like the first few times you hold your line with someone who is used to you crossing it. Because nobody warns you about that part, and it catches everyone off guard. This is where the work gets real. Capacity Club doors close April 15th. First live call April 15th. https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club