What Radical Acceptance Actually Looks Like for Pathological Demand Avoidance Parents | Ep. 156
At Peace Parents PodcastShow Notes
This is the first episode in a new behind-the-scenes series I am doing with Kendall, one of the coaches on the At Peace Parents team. Each month, we pull back the curtain on our own lives as parents who are practicing the same skills we teach, and on what these principles look like inside real coaching work with families. This episode is about radical acceptance: what it actually means, why it matters specifically for PDA families, and what it looks like in practice, not as an abstract concept, but in the messy, everyday moments of parenting a demand avoidant child. We start by defining radical acceptance through Tara Brach's framework, which I read directly from her book in this episode. From there, Kendall and I talk through what it has looked like in our own homes, including sleep arrangements, regressions that feel like they will never end, and the particular kind of grief that comes when you realize the approach you have been using is not working. I also share a detailed example from my work with a family whose six-year-old son was in deep burnout and engaging in a compulsive behavior around toileting. Kendall shares a case from her own coaching practice involving a child with food preoccupation and toileting difficulties whose parents had already been trying many of the right things but were still, unknowingly, maintaining an energetic pressure that the child's nervous system was picking up as a threat. We also address several misconceptions about radical acceptance that I hear regularly, including the idea that accepting your child means accepting harmful behavior toward a sibling, and the idea that if a decision is right for your family, your PDA child should be able to handle it without activation. This one is for the parents who are already doing the work and still feel like something is not quite landing. Key Takeaways What Radical Acceptance Actually Means | 00:07:00 I read directly from Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance to ground the definition. Radical acceptance is not about approving of what is happening or giving permission for it to continue. It is about seeing clearly what is true in the present moment, in your own body and experience, without avoidance, control, or judgment, and then bringing compassion to what you find. It starts with the parent, not with the child. The Sacred Pause as a Practical Tool | 00:15:00 Kendall and I both describe how we use the sacred pause in our own homes when a difficult moment arises. The practice involves noticing a thought or feeling as it is, placing it on a leaf in a river or a wave in the ocean, and then welcoming it without judgment before moving into any action. I give a concrete example from my own experience doing floor-time play with my older son, including the physical sensations and intrusive thoughts I was having in those sessions. When Lowering Demands Is Not Enough | 00:22:00 Kendall shares a case from her coaching work involving a child whose parents had already pulled him from school, were bringing him food on request, and had done significant research on PDA. The behaviors around food and toileting were not improving. What Kendall identified was that the parents were still maintaining an energetic vigilance, tracking plates of food, cueing bathroom use, that the child's nervous system was registering as pressure. The shift came when the parents stopped tracking and stopped cueing, and the child's internal awareness began to return. Radical Acceptance With Compulsive Behaviors | 00:32:00 I describe working with a family whose six-year-old in burnout had developed a compulsive behavior involving poop. Every intervention, including anxiety medication, behavioral approaches, and prompting, was making the behavior more entrenched and more hidden. The turning point came when the parents accepted, in their bodies, that their current approach was not working. From that place, they shifted their focus to what they could actually control: changing clothes, bringin
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