Ep. 141 - Getting Started Parenting Your PDAer

Halloween is exciting. It is also activating. And if your child is in burnout, near their threshold, or simply wired in a way that makes novelty and sensory overload feel threatening rather than fun, even a holiday you love can become a source of dread for the whole family. In this episode I share five tips for navigating Halloween with a PDA child or teen, drawn from seven years of doing it imperfectly in my own home. I cover what to do if your child cannot access the holiday at all this year, how to think about autonomy and demand lowering as two distinct accommodations, why traditions still count even when they look like chaos, and why letting go of please and thank you on the doorstep may actually be the most effective thing you do all night. Key Takeaways

Why do accommodations like lowering demands, providing autonomy, and using declarative language actually work for PDA children and teens over the long term? And why do so many parents, therapists, and teachers get stuck applying them even when they understand the concept? In this episode, an excerpt from a live workshop I taught in 2024, I walk through what I call the theory of change for PDA: the logic that explains why these accommodations shift things at a nervous system level. I cover the two most common places where people get stuck, how to tell the difference between an accommodation and a reward, and why lowering demands alone is necessary but not sufficient for the transformation families are working toward. Key Takeaways

It is back to school season here in the US, and for most families raising PDA children and teens, that means navigating one of the most structurally activating environments their child will ever encounter. I am back with Dr. Alex Klein, clinical psychologist, to talk through what we are each seeing this fall and what we have learned over years of working with and being parents of neurodivergent children. In this episode we cover how to understand PDA as it plays out in school, why masking is real and why schools often do not believe parents, how to communicate about a PDA child's needs without leading with a label that gets dismissed, and the highest impact accommodations Dr. Klein and I have each found to be worth fighting for. We also talk honestly about what happens when schools are not allies and what families can do when the onus falls almost entirely on the parent. Key Takeaways

Should my PDA child stay in the public school system, move to a private school, or homeschool? There is no single answer, and this episode is not going to give you one. What it is going to give you is a framework for making the decision that fits your child, your constraints, and this specific season of your family. In this episode I walk through all five characteristics of PDA as they play out in a school or home setting, then move into the three schooling scenarios I see families navigate most: staying in the public school system and advocating for accommodations, finding a private school that is structurally more aligned with a PDA nervous system, and pulling your child out entirely to unschool, deschool, or homeschool. For each one I share what to watch for, what has worked for the families I have coached, and how to use the cost-benefit framework to make and hold a decision even when it is hard. Key Takeaways

Why are so many children and teens struggling with anxiety, depression, and school refusal right now? And why are so many of them PDA? I have been carrying these questions for years, and Dr. Peter Gray's new book Restoring Childhood gave me a framework I did not have before. Dr. Peter Gray is a research professor of psychology and neuroscience at Boston College, founder of the nonprofit Let Grow, and author of Free to Learn and, just published this month, Restoring Childhood, How to Set Kids Free in the Age of Anxiety. In this episode we talk about what play actually is and why it matters for development, why the evidence does not support that screens and social media are the primary driver of the youth mental health crisis, and what has actually been happening to children's autonomy and mental health since the 1950s. We also talk about his own son, who he believes would have been identified as PDA, and how that son changed the entire trajectory of Dr. Gray's research and writing. Key Takeaways