Henri Nouwen and Spiritual Companionship - A Reflection

Hi Friends. Matt Whitney here. I thought for the podcast I would do a reading of a reflection I wrote for our SDI Listen publication, which comes out quarterly. It's about something Henri Nouwen wrote in his book The Inner Voice of Love. I hope you enjoy the reading, and the written reflection is below. SDI has thousands of spiritual directors, companions, guides, and teachers who are available to work with you, listen to you, and accompany you on your spiritual journey. Find one to work with today at sdicompanions.org. --- I recently took a short backpacking trip in the North Cascades of Washington State. I like to have an author accompany me while sipping my instant coffee in the morning or curling up in my sleeping bag at night. This trip, I brought with me Henri Nouwen’s The Inner Voice of Love, described on the back cover as his “secret journal” – written during a period of intense doubt, low self-esteem, anguish, and despair. Nouwen writes with great clarity and purpose, and I was moved reading his intimate sharing. In one entry, he writes of our need to share our struggles, pain, and anguish with others, so that need may be affirmed and acknowledged. Indeed, Nouwen continues, our suffering can be of service to others, when shared judiciously, and with caution. Nouwen says, “You will always need people who do not need you but who can receive you and give you back to yourself.” I was struck – what a beautiful description of spiritual companionship, encapsulating the essence, calling, and profound gifts of spiritual companionship! I’m in my sixth year working for SDI. During this time, I’ve had countless conversations with folks about our work as spiritual directors and companions. Sometimes these discussions are easy, but more often context is necessary for those unfamiliar with our modalities. So, I describe our practices of deep listening, contemplation, and compassionate service, in service to helping others on their own unique spiritual journeys. These approaches help us all to recall and behold our deep, and innate, connection with God, The Divine, The Universe, or however we might each name The Ground of All Being. Let’s contemplate this together – how are each of us received by someone “who does not need us,” and who “gives us back to ourselves?” What does it mean that someone needs nothing from us? Let’s start with the fact that we have many relationships in life, with varying degrees of responsibilities and obligations. As a partner and a parent, I have a responsibility to be loving and caring to my spouse, and my son. If we are friends, it’s important that we find fun things to do together, as well as help each other out in our struggles, or even with more mundane tasks such as moving or working on a house project. Professional colleagues pool their efforts in common causes and purposes. And so on. All of these relationships can blossom as we get to know one another, and become more intimate over time. Perhaps eventually to the point of finding safety and comfort in sharing our spirituality with each other. After all, mutuality and reciprocity are the most precious gifts of our relationships. We give as much as we get.

One question I often hear in response to my own descriptions of a spiritual companion is: “why can’t that person just be an intimate partner, or a good friend?” To which I respond, “On occasion, they can be!” But what I have found, and I imagine you may have as well, is that our sufferings and longings are too intimate, too delicate, and too easily misunderstood by even our partners and closest friends. Within us may be truths so hidden that we don’t know how to properly speak of them. This can become problematic if we are tempted to overshare, as it may confuse or even become a burden to those whom we live and work with. As it turns out, our colleagues, friends, and partners actually need quite a bit from us – as does every good relationsh