Why Sexual Pleasure Is a Radical Act of Resistance | Interview with Alex Garner

In this episode, Tom sits down with Ruffus, The PolyKink Therapist, to explore what it means to build ethical relationships, whether monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between. Ruffus shares how his personal experiences with polyamory, kink, and psychotherapy shaped his approach to relationships and why understanding your own values and desires is essential to finding connection. They discuss the four pillars of ethical relationships: freedom, authenticity, commitment, and love, and how these values translate into agency, honesty, consent, and compassion. They also challenge common assumptions about monogamy, polyamory, and sex, exploring why no single relationship model works for everyone and why it's important to define what intimacy and commitment mean to you. The conversation also explores jealousy as an opportunity for connection rather than something to suppress, the importance of communicating needs instead of relying on unspoken expectations, and how relationship hierarchies can affect people's sense of security and agency. Tom and Ruffus also discuss kink, power dynamics, consent, and the difference between belonging with someone and belonging to someone. Finally, Ruffus talks about his PAWS method (Pause, Adjust, Wait, or Stop), a practical approach to de-escalating conflict and creating space for more thoughtful conversations. He shares why healthy relationships aren't about finding a perfect partner who magically meets your needs, but about learning to communicate, respect boundaries, and build relationships that align with everyone's values.

What if the way you cope with stress could change how you experience your life—even when you can’t change the situation itself? In this episode, psychotherapist and coach David Olem joins Tom to explore stress, coping, self-compassion, and the small practices that can help us find more joy and resilience in difficult times. David draws on more than 26 years of clinical and research experience, including his work at UCSF’s Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, to explain the different ways we cope with stress. He distinguishes between problem-focused coping, distraction, and more present-focused forms of emotional coping, emphasizing that no coping strategy is inherently “good” or “bad.” The key is developing flexibility and noticing when a strategy that once helped us starts creating new problems. For queer people, these patterns can be especially complicated. David explores how shame, bullying, family rejection, and other negative messages can shape the ways we seek comfort, escape, belonging, and relief. He shares a powerful story about quitting smoking and learning to see setbacks as wins, offering a compassionate alternative to the self-judgment that can keep us stuck. David also introduces practical tools from his book, Seeing the Whole of the Moon: A Guide to Finding Your Joy Even in Stressful Times, including RAIN meditation and the “positive moment” exercise. By noticing small moments of joy, feeling them in the body, and asking what we can do to create more of them, we can gradually build new patterns of resilience—one small shift at a time. About David: David Olem is a psychotherapist, coach and researcher dedicated to helping people build resilience and reduce stress. For 26 years at UCSF, he developed and delivered brief therapies that improved emotional and physical health in underserved communities with a particular focus on the LGBTQ communities. He now maintains a therapy and coaching practice in San Francisco, specializing in anxiety and stress management. David's work blends deep clinical experience with a commitment to practical, accessible tools that support everyday wellbeing. Connect with David: Website: davidolem.com Book: https://thewholemoon.com/ Instagram: whole_ofthemoon Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when substance use becomes a way of coping with trauma, loneliness, and the stress of being queer in a world that can still be deeply rejecting? Tom welcomes therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher Araya Baker back to the podcast for a conversation about addiction, recovery, and substance use in queer communities. Araya discusses the connections between family rejection, discrimination, trauma, and addiction, and why substance use can sometimes become a way to numb experiences that feel impossible to escape. They explore the importance of community and storytelling in recovery, the challenges of asking for help when you've learned to be self-sufficient, and why recovery doesn't always happen in a straight line. The conversation also looks at addiction within relationships, including codependency, blurred boundaries, rescuing, and the ways partners can unintentionally delay change. Araya discusses resources including AA, Al-Anon, harm reduction, and SMART Recovery, while emphasizing that not everyone is ready (or medically able) to stop using substances abruptly. Tom and Araya also explore the impact of growing up in households affected by addiction, loneliness among queer people, and the intersection of substance use and sex, including chemsex. Throughout the conversation, they return to the importance of reducing shame, increasing access to support, understanding the roots of addiction, and creating more honest, informed conversations about recovery in queer communities. About Araya: Araya Baker, M.Phil.Ed., Ed.M. is a therapist, columnist, and social policy researcher. As a therapist, Araya supports individuals and couples navigating concerns around addiction, aging, cancer, disability, family estrangement, grief and trauma, life purpose and self-actualization, neurodivergence, prejudice and racism, relationships, reproductive health and family-building, and sexual health and HIV. For over a decade, Araya has leveraged writing to promote lifelong learning and democratize access to applied critical theory/social philosophy beyond academia. Their social commentary and public scholarship have been featured in The Washington Post, HuffPost, Psychology Today, Teen Vogue, EdPost, Vice, Buzzfeed, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, and myriad indie/regional outlets. Araya earned an Ed.M. in Human Development from Harvard as an Equity Fellow, an M.Phil.Ed. in Counseling from the University of Pennsylvania, where they received the Award for Excellence in Promoting Diversity & Inclusion, and a B.A. in English from Tufts, where they were a Tisch Scholar and engaged African & Caribbean literature, Black Arts Movement poetry, queer Black feminism, gospel music, Southern studies, and Swahili. Connect with Araya: Website: arayabaker.com Instagram: @arayabaker YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@araya_baker Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5

What does it actually take to move from self-hatred toward self-love? In this episode, Tom talks with James Guay, LMFT, about the lifelong process of building a healthier relationship with ourselves as gay men. James explores how internalized homophobia, family and societal expectations, perfectionism, body image, workaholism, people-pleasing, and self-betrayal can all become ways of rejecting ourselves, even when we don't consciously think of ourselves as self-critical. Rather than treating self-love as a destination, he describes a gradual movement toward tolerance, neutrality, acceptance, and eventually greater care and friendship with ourselves. The conversation also looks at James's own journey, including the role of therapy, relationships, gymnastics, hiking, and reconnecting with his inner child. Nature has become a particularly meaningful space for him to practice mindfulness, listen to his body, let go of expectations, and reconnect with a sense of spirituality after difficult religious experiences. Tom and James also discuss masculinity, aging, social media, community healing, and the pressure gay men can feel to look, live, and succeed a certain way. Ultimately, James offers a hopeful message: self-worth isn't something we have to earn, and learning to know ourselves, honor our needs, set boundaries, and live more authentically is a lifelong process. About James: James Guay, LMFT, is a psychotherapist with three decades of experience helping people develop greater self-compassion, authenticity, and more fulfilling relationships. As a gay man and survivor of conversion therapy, James brings both personal and professional perspectives to his work around LGBTQ+ identity, shame, relationships, and self-acceptance. A former competitive gymnast and NCAA All-American, James has also explored his own evolving relationship with achievement, identity, and self-worth. These days, he's an avid hiker and backpacker who finds in nature a powerful way to reconnect with himself and what matters most. Connect with James: Website: https://www.livingmorefully.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamesguaylmft/ YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@LivingMoreFully Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

In this episode, Tom sits down with DaddyGuru, to explore tantra, spirituality, erotic maturity, and healing for gay men. Drawing from his book, You Are the Love of Your Life, Daddy Guru shares how his own journey led him to tantric yoga and to creating retreats focused on self-awareness, connection, and healing. They discuss kundalini energy, the inner child, and the importance of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been shaped by trauma, shame, or societal expectations. Daddy Guru explains why intimacy begins with ourselves and how understanding our own energy, boundaries, and vulnerability can change the way we connect with others. The conversation also explores the role of touch in healing. Daddy Guru describes his retreats, which combine breathwork, meditation, sensuality, and structured touch exercises to help participants become more present in their bodies and experience connection without pressure to perform. Throughout the episode, Tom and Daddy Guru consider how spirituality and psychology can work together in healing. His central message is that we are already whole—and that by embracing both our light and our shadow, reconnecting with our inner child, and learning to love ourselves, we can create more nourishing relationships with others. About DaddyGuru: John Kristopher Thomsen — known to his students and clients as DaddyGuru — is a Canadian Tantric teacher, intimacy healer, and spiritual guide based at Casa Kāma, his spiritual finca and healing sanctuary in western Costa Rica. In 1984, at the age of 20, he came out of the closet at the height of the AIDS epidemic and has spent the last 42 years navigating the full terrain of gay male life — including surviving both physical and sexual abuse, a 28-year marriage that ultimately came apart under the weight of unrealistic erotic expectations within gay culture, and an awakening at a Tantra retreat in Spain that changed the direction of his life forever. Today he works with gay men navigating the gap between erotic freedom and real intimacy, drawing on Tantra, somatic awareness, and inner child work. He's the author of the new book You Are the Love of Your Life, which serves as the foundation of his healing practice and what he teaches. Connect with DaddyGuru: Website: theDaddyGuru.com Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6HJ9LSM Instagram: theDaddyGuru YouTube Channel: theDaddyGuru TikTok: theDaddyGuru Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards