Show Notes
Why do we feel so misunderstood, even by the people closest to us? Clinical psychologist Dr. Yael Schonbrun says it’s because we’re trying to fix misunderstanding with the wrong tool. Communication happens between people, but understanding happens inside them. It’s shaped by overconfidence, mood, hunger, history and the stories we tell about each other. Most of us are certain we understand other people, and just as certain they don’t understand us. That math doesn’t work out. Our brains are built to feel sure of what we perceive, and even Nobel Prize - winning psychologist Danny Kahneman wrote that he still falls for cognitive bias. Talking more won’t change that on its own. Awareness, curiosity and a little more generosity can. In this episode of The XX Lab, Dr. Sarah Hill sits down with Dr. Yael Schonbrun, a clinical psychologist at Brown University and author of Why Don’t You Understand Me?, to explore what drives understanding and misunderstanding beneath the words. They cover why overconfidence is the bias that rules all others, how naive realism makes our own view feel like the truth, why we cast people as villains, how keeping score wears down relationships, why understanding someone isn’t agreeing with them, and what to ask when the same fight keeps coming back. KEY TAKEAWAYS: Misunderstanding usually starts inside us, in how we interpret what others say and do, not in the words themselves Overconfidence is “the bias that rules all others”: feeling certain about what someone meant isn’t the same as knowing We notice what we give more than what we receive, so being a little more generous than feels fair keeps relationships in a positive cycle, without becoming a doormat In a recurring fight, ask: “What do you think I’m missing?” Guest Bio Dr. Yael Schonbrun is a clinical psychologist at Brown University with more than 20 years of clinical experience, specializing in the treatment of couples and relationships. She writes for media outlets including The Washington Post and is the author of Why Don't You Understand Me?, which looks at the processes inside people that drive understanding and misunderstanding.
Connect with Dr. Yael Schonbrun Website: https://www.yaelschonbrun.com
Timestamps Introduction (00:00) Overconfidence Is the Bias That Rules All Others (05:50) When Should You Stop and Get Curious? (10:40) The Villain-Victim Story We Tell Ourselves (22:10) Strategic Generosity: Stop Assuming the Worst (34:09) Why It's So Hard to Stop Seeing Someone as the Villain (46:22) Understanding Someone Isn't Agreeing With Them (51:55) What to Ask When You Keep Having the Same Fight (58:31) The XX Lab is where midlife women come to understand the science of their own biology: hormones, brain chemistry, behavior, and the research that finally makes sense of how you feel. Dr. Sarah Hill breaks down the evidence with rigor and warmth, so you can make decisions rooted in real science, not guesswork.
For more research-backed insight on your hormones, brain, and behavior, find Dr. Sarah Hill here: -Website: https://www.sarahehill.com -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahehillphd -LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahehillphd
More from The XX Lab
What if the reason you don't feel like yourself isn't stress or burnout, but a hormonal transition that started years before your cycle ever changed? For many women, early perimenopause begins in the late 30s or early 40s with brain fog, poor sleep, and mood changes, while periods and labs still look completely normal. In this episode of The XX Lab, I sit down with Dr. Mariza Snyder, women's hormone expert, host of the Energized podcast, and author of The Perimenopause Revolution. We explore early perimenopause symptoms, why midlife weight gain comes down to insulin resistance and not willpower, how to use a continuous glucose monitor, the simple daily habits that move the needle, and how this transition can become an awakening rather than a loss of self. Key Takeaways: -Early perimenopause symptoms can start in your late 30s, even with regular periods. - Perimenopause weight gain is driven by insulin resistance, not willpower. - A short walk after meals helps lower blood sugar spikes. - Perimenopause is a window to protect your bone, heart, and brain health. Timestamps: Dr. Mariza Snyder on The Perimenopause Revolution (00:00) What Is Perimenopause? Early vs. Late Perimenopause Explained (02:00) Early Perimenopause Brain Fog With Normal Periods and Labs (06:30) Perimenopause and Identity: Feeling Like You've Lost Yourself (11:20) A Mother's Perimenopause Story: From Burnout to Marathons (15:40) Early Perimenopause Signs and How to Track Your Symptoms (21:20) Perimenopause Weight Gain: Estrogen, Insulin Resistance, and Belly Fat (30:00) How to Use a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) in Perimenopause (35:20) How to Lower Blood Sugar Spikes: Post-Meal Walks and Exercise Snacks (42:00) Perimenopause Morning Routine for Energy, Sleep, and Blood Sugar (46:50) How to Find a Perimenopause Doctor and Which Tests to Ask For (59:00) Best Perimenopause Lifestyle Changes: Sleep, Movement, and Friendship (1:03:30) Is HRT Safe? Hormone Therapy, Testosterone, and Breast Cancer Risk (1:06:40) Perimenopause Myths and What Really Changes After Menopause (1:10:10) Guest Bio Dr. Mariza Snyder is a functional practitioner and women's hormone expert with more than 17 years of experience helping women navigate perimenopause and beyond. She holds a Doctor of Chiropractic degree, hosts the top-rated Energized with Dr. Mariza podcast, and is the bestselling author of several books, including The Perimenopause Revolution, which offers a five-week reset for hormones, metabolism, and energy. - https://drmariza.com/book - https://www.instagram.com/drmariza - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401997406 *** The XX Lab is where midlife women come to understand the science of their own biology: hormones, brain chemistry, behavior, and the research that finally makes sense of how you feel. Dr. Sarah Hill breaks down the evidence with rigor and warmth, so you can make decisions rooted in real science, not guesswork. For more research-backed insight on your hormones, brain, and behavior, find Dr. Sarah Hill here: -Website: https://www.sarahehill.com -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahehillphd -LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahehillphd
What if saying yes when you mean no isn't a boundary problem, but a predictable feature of how your brain protects your place in the group? "No is a complete sentence" sounds simple, but the research says the moment of being asked is anything but. In this episode of The XX Lab, I sit down with Dr. Vanessa Bohns, social psychologist, Cornell professor of organizational behavior, and author of the new book Should I Say Something? We explore compliance vs consent, why we underestimate how often people say yes, the persuasion tactics salespeople use, how to say no to a boss or a date, and when it's worth speaking up. KEY TAKEAWAYS: Compliance is just behavior. Consent means you truly felt free to say no and understood what you were agreeing to. We consistently underestimate how likely others are to say yes to our requests, and how much pressure our asks put on them. Buying time with "let me think about it and get back to you" moves you out of the hot emotional moment and into a clearer decision. In social situations, we underestimate how much people like us, notice us, and want our honest feedback. Timestamps Introduction: Dr. Vanessa Bohns on Why Saying No Is So Hard (00:00) Compliance vs Consent: What's the Difference? (02:55) Why Women Say Yes When They Want to Say No (04:00) Why We Underestimate How Often People Say Yes (09:05) Persuasion Tactics: Reciprocity, Authority and Social Proof (11:00) What Happens in Your Brain When Someone Asks You for a Favor (19:10) What Genuine Consent Actually Requires (25:30) How to Ask for a Favor Without Pressuring Someone (28:45) How to Say No to Your Boss Without Looking Lazy (34:35) How to Politely Turn Down a Date (37:50) How to Buy Time Before You Say Yes (41:10) Should I Say Something? When to Speak Up and When to Stay Quiet (48:40) Why You Shouldn't Tell Your Boss You Love Your Job (54:20) Why We Underestimate How Much People Like Us (57:20) Guest Bio Dr. Vanessa Bohns is a social psychologist and the Braunstein Family Professor and Chair of Organizational Behavior at Cornell University's ILR School. She holds a PhD in psychology from Columbia University and an AB from Brown University. An expert on help-seeking, social influence, compliance, and consent, her research explores why it's so hard to ask for things and so hard to say no, and has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, and on NPR's Hidden Brain. She is the author of You Have More Influence Than You Think and Should I Say Something?: The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself. -Website: https://www.vanessabohns.com -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/profbohns -Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0306835703 The XX Lab is where midlife women come to understand the science of their own biology: hormones, brain chemistry, behavior, and the research that finally makes sense of how you feel. Dr. Sarah Hill breaks down the evidence with rigor and warmth, so you can make decisions rooted in real science, not guesswork. For more research-backed insight on your hormones, brain, and behavior, find Dr. Sarah Hill here: -Website: https://www.sarahehill.com
You've been told midlife brain fog is just stress. What if perimenopause is actually revealing a brain you've been masking your whole life? In this episode of The XX Lab, I sit down with Dr. Jolene Brighten, board-certified naturopathic endocrinologist and author of Beyond the Pill, to talk about her new book, ADHD and Women. We explore why perimenopause unmasks ADHD, how to tell it apart from brain fog, the birth control connection, and what actually supports the ADHD brain. Whether you're curious about ADHD in women, hormones and the brain, or the hidden side effects of hormonal birth control, I think you'll find this conversation to be a science-backed, deeply validating look at how hormones shape who we are at every life stage. KEY TAKEAWAYS: ADHD isn't a deficit of attention. It's difficult to regulate attention, and hormones influence how it shows up across a woman's life. The highest rates of new ADHD diagnoses are in middle-aged women, a group that was missed for decades, not a sign that ADHD is new. Perimenopause can cause ADHD-like symptoms in women who don't have ADHD. True ADHD has been present since childhood. Diet, sleep, and daily movement don't cause or cure ADHD, but they strongly influence how severely symptoms are expressed. Timestamps What Happened When She Questioned The Pill (00:00) Birth Control Myths And The Hidden ADHD Risk (06:26) Late ADHD And Autism Diagnosis: The Signs She Missed (15:44) How Perimenopause Unmasks ADHD In Women (26:42) What ADHD Actually Feels Like For Women (34:32) Perimenopause Or ADHD? How To Tell The Difference (42:07) Pharma Skepticism, Hormones And ADHD Stimulants (54:20) Is ADHD Rising Or Just Diagnosed More? (1:11:47) ADHD Meds For Kids, Creatine And Omega-3s (1:22:48) Why She Regrets Starting The Pill At 17 (1:37:55) PMDD Isn't Just Progesterone: Histamine And Inflammation (1:44:49) Guest Bio Dr. Jolene Brighten is a board-certified naturopathic endocrinologist, certified menopause specialist, and nutrition scientist known for translating complex hormone science into practical care. She is the bestselling author of Beyond the Pill and Is This Normal?, and her new book, ADHD and Women, explores how hormones shape ADHD across a woman's life. She hosts The Dr. Brighten Show, a top-rated women's health podcast. Website: https://drbrighten.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drjolenebrighten Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/059398160X
What if the strongest predictor of how long you live has nothing to do with your diet, your sleep, or the gym? I have spent my career studying hormones and behavior, and this one still stops me: the quality of your relationships predicts mortality at roughly double the effect of exercise. In this episode of The XX Lab, I sit down with Dr. Rich Slatcher, Gail M. Williamson Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Georgia and director of the Close Relationships Lab. Rich and I were in the same graduate program at UT Austin, so this is part science, part reunion. We cover why social connection predicts mortality, how partner responsiveness shapes health, why men benefit more from marriage than women do, and what makes a first date work. Key Takeaways: - Social integration predicts mortality at roughly double the effect of exercise - Opening up only helps your health if the person listening actually responds - Men route nearly every emotional need through a spouse; women keep wider networks - Where you have a first date matters far less than how open the conversation gets Timestamps How Relationships Shape Health With Dr. Rich Slatcher (00:00) Expressive Writing Can Boost Your Immune System (01:25) Why Men Rarely Open Up To Friends (07:50) From Anthropology To Evolutionary Psychology (11:30) Strong Relationships Help You Live Longer (20:15) Is The Cortisol Link To Health Overhyped? (26:35) How Your Partner's Response Shapes Your Health (33:30) Does Conflict Outweigh Support In Your Relationship? (40:15) Marriage Helps Men's Health More Than Women's (48:55) Are Couple Friends Worth The Risk? (55:35) Conversation Beats Romantic Settings On First Dates (01:04:40) 3 Signs Someone Is Really Listening To You (01:13:45) Do Men Need Face To Face Friendships? (01:23:45) Studies mentioned in this episode - House, Landis and Umberson (1988), Science: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3399889/ - Holt-Lunstad meta-analysis: https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316 - Slatcher and Selcuk, strength and strain model: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28367003/ Guest Bio Dr. Rich Slatcher is the Gail M. Williamson Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Georgia, where he directs the Close Relationships Lab. He earned his PhD at UT Austin with James Pennebaker and completed an NIMH postdoctoral fellowship in health psychology at UCLA. His research examines self-disclosure, partner responsiveness, and how close relationships shape physical health and wellbeing. Website: https://www.richslatcher.com
You've been told the pill is too small to change who you are. What if the science says otherwise, and you're not imagining it? For years, women who reported mood changes on the pill were told it was in their heads, and the research was called conflicting. A new meta-analysis suggests the pattern was there all along. We just weren't looking at the best studies. In this episode of The XX Lab, Dr. Sarah Hill sits down with Dr. Nusa Faric, a health psychology researcher whose meta-analysis pooled the highest-quality trials on hormonal contraception and depression risk. Together they explore why past reviews missed the signal, how synthetic progestins reshape a brain wired for cycling hormones, why adolescent users may be most vulnerable, the “sham period” myth, and what a better contraceptive future could look like.