Show Notes
"I thought something was wrong with me."Almost every person who walks into Dr Jennifer Vencill's office says a version of that sentence. What she's found, over and over: nothing is wrong with them. They've been shaped by shame, by bad sex education, and by a culture that only teaches one kind of desire and calls everyone else broken.Dr Jennifer Vencill is a psychologist, certified sex therapist working in a medical setting, and co-author of Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships (with Dr Lauren Fogel Mersy) — one of the most important books on libido and desire I've read this year.In this conversation we cover:▸ How shame — especially internalised CIS-normativity — quietly kills libido▸ Why crossdressers, kinksters, and gender-diverse people are especially vulnerable to dead bedrooms▸ The difference between spontaneous and responsive desire (and why most people only know one)▸ The brakes-and-accelerator model of sexual response▸ Why communication is 80% of the work▸ How medications, hormones, aging, and chronic illness reshape libido▸ Why porn is the sex education we never should have gotten▸ How to build the conditions for desire — instead of waiting for it to strikeIf you or your partner have ever thought "I must be broken" — this episode is for you.📚 Get the book: Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships (available in paperback, hardcover, audiobook, and ebook at every major retailer)🎓 Find Dr Jennifer Vencill:▸ Instagram: @DoctorJenniferVencillChapters:0:00 – What is CIS-sexism? The invisible shame that runs your libido0:29 – Meet Dr Jennifer Vencill and the book Desire1:49 – How shame quietly kills your sex drive2:53 – The comprehensive sex education we never got6:15 – The nervous system response that shuts arousal down10:14 – Communication is 80% of the work12:39 – Hormones, medications, and transitioning — how they reshape desire14:16 – Spontaneous desire vs responsive desire22:35 – The brakes-and-accelerator model26:19 – Kink, pain, and the science of turning shame into resource28:25 – Why porn became our sex education (and what that broke)42:25 – Body image and libido54:56 – Where to find Dr Vencill's work and the book Desire—Topics in this episode:• Low libido and dead bedroom causes• Shame as the #1 killer of desire• Spontaneous vs responsive desire• The dual control model (brakes and accelerator)• Crossdressing, kink, and sexual shame• How to talk to your partner about mismatched libido• Medications, hormones, aging, and libido• Body image and sexual desire• Sex therapy and inclusive sex education• Outrageously Her — 4-month cohort for men exploring their feminine#lowlibido #libido #sexdriveWebsite:https://www.soulkink.com/
More from Soul Kink Therapy
I asked a client if he wanted to do a scene with me. He immediately said yes, and then his whole body clenched up. I asked again, are you sure, are you really really sure? Yes, let's do it. Everything about him was screaming no, and I still went ahead with it. Spoiler alert, it sucked.
I hate people pleasing nice guys. And most of my clients are people pleasing nice guys, and I deeply love them. So what's the difference between the nice guy who makes me want to scream and the one I'll do anything to help?
Am I addicted to crossdressing? To porn? To latex? To kink?If you’ve ever purged the clothes, the toys, the panties — swore you were done — then bought it all back weeks later… this episode is about that cycle.This is not a yes-or-no diagnosis. Emily Letts gives you a framework you can actually use:Anything can be associative or dissociative.The same behavior can pull you deeper into your life — or help you leave it.In Part 1 of this two-part episode, Emily talks about:• The binge-purge cycle around dressing, porn, and kink• Why “is this bad?” is the wrong question• How attachment and isolation sit underneath “addiction”• Her dad’s story as a 25-year police officer who came home and numbed out• The question: is there one person, not your spouse, who fully knows you?• Why kink often becomes the trailhead when therapy never felt safe• A resource list vs a dissociative list you can make today• Why shame is what keeps the purge going• Why crossdressing is not inherently the problem — your relationship to it isWork with Emily:https://www.soulkink.com/Framework inspired by teacher Katie Asmus (somatic / nature-based therapy).This episode is educational, not clinical diagnosis or medical advice.TIMESTAMPS0:00 – Am I addicted? The purge1:45 – Welcome to Soul Kink Therapy2:07 – Associative vs dissociative3:00 – Same behavior, different relationship4:26 – Into your life, or out of it?4:43 – A family lineage of addiction5:36 – Dad’s story: 25 years as a cop7:05 – The man no one fully knows7:46 – Is there one person (not your spouse) who knows you?8:27 – Numbing, TV, and first-responder silence9:24 – What this costs your family10:15 – Why kink becomes the trailhead11:03 – You are a full person11:37 – Not personality. Nervous system.12:49 – Addiction and attachment13:03 – Attachment theory and co-regulation17:02 – Secure vs insecure attachment18:00 – Why some men can only rest alone22:27 – “I’m not going to live a numbed-out life”23:34 – Getting “addicted” to self-inquiry24:21 – If you dress to escape… from what?25:00 – Life isn’t something you’re meant to run from26:43 – Everyone is addicted to something26:56 – Emily’s social media case study28:50 – Stop asking “am I an addict?”29:58 – Make a resource list34:15 – How to use the list when you want to escape35:12 – Make a dissociative list37:34 – Crossdressing is not inherently bad38:39 – It may be giving you nutrients you need39:40 – Be gentle with yourself40:35 – What’s coming in Part 241:15 – If this is overwhelming, get support41:43 – Initiation call + close#Crossdressing #BingePurge #Kink Website:https://www.soulkink.com/
Picture it: you're dressed, you feel amazing, you scheduled this — and the second you walk into the room, your body slams shut. Stomach swirling, chest tight, a voice screaming "I don't want to do this."If you've ever deeply wanted intimacy and then frozen the moment it arrived, this episode is for you.Emily gets radically honest about her own version of this — as a sexuality educator who, just six months ago, shut down completely walking into a scheduled intimacy session with her partner. No acute trauma to explain it. Just a war between parts. This episode is the map she wishes she'd had.Using Internal Family Systems (parts work), Emily breaks down why "I want it but my body says no" happens — and the exact process for working through it.In this episode:▸ A quick, non-clinical intro to parts work: protectors, exiles, and the calm Self underneath▸ Meet Cruella — the protector built by "the modern woman" archetype (via her teacher Om Rupani), who loved being sexy for status but shut down real vulnerability▸ Meet nymph and Sid — the arousal parts that were waiting underneath once Cruella softened▸ Why external consent without internal consent leads to the shutdown▸ Patricia Rich's Self-Led Sexuality and the "F" sequence: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, Befriend, Fears▸ Why kinky, crossdressing, and non-monogamous folks have MORE internal negotiation to do — and why that's not a flaw▸ Your crossdressing part isn't a contradiction to fix — it needs recognition, not correction▸ A closing thank-you to the protector that kept her safe all alongThis is the work Emily is known for. If it lands, it can change your relationship with your own arousal.🌀 With gratitude to Om Rupani (the "modern woman" archetype) and Patricia Rich (Self-Led Sexuality), whose frameworks shape this episode. Internal Family Systems was developed by Richard Schwartz.Chapters:0:00 – "My body shut down": the contradiction2:41 – Welcome to Soul Kink Therapy3:09 – Parts work 101: protectors, exiles, and the Self6:49 – Back to the ceremony room: desire meets shutdown8:28 – The part that changed everything8:51 – "The modern woman": sexy as a weapon for status10:08 – Meet Cruella, the protector12:50 – Meet nymph: the arousal underneath14:03 – Meet Sid: the giggly sadist15:21 – A framework you can use yourself16:12 – Consent culture and its blind spot18:14 – External consent vs internal consent18:45 – The F sequence: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, Befriend, Fears24:25 – Why our sexual relationship is so strong now25:22 – For kinksters, crossdressers, and the non-monogamous28:39 – Where to get support29:34 – A thank-you to CruellaTopics in this episode:• Desire discrepancy and sexual shutdown• Internal Family Systems (parts work) for sexuality• Self-Led Sexuality (Patricia Rich)• The "modern woman" archetype (Om Rupani)• Internal consent vs external consent• Crossdressing and kink as parts, not problems• How to work with sexual anxiety and freeze#sextherapy #partswork #internalfamilysystemsWebsite:https://www.soulkink.com
Gender expansive. Dual gender. Cross-dressing as action, not identity.In this episode of Soul Kink Therapy, Emily sits down with Savannah Hauk — TEDx speaker, author, podcaster, and self-described gender expansive dual-gender person — for a deep, honest conversation about living both Chuck and Savannah.They unpack:• Why Savannah rarely uses the word “cross-dresser” anymore• The difference between the action of dressing and the root of identity• Growing up secretive in a conservative family and finding community in 90s New York• The daily practice (and exposure therapy) of being out in public• How femininity integrates into everyday life — empathy, emotion, and presence• The sensory and erotic journey of dressing and how it evolves with maturity• Navigating relationships when one partner is dual gender• Why visibility still matters (and feels harder) in 2026• Practical advice for anyone beginning to explore gender expansivenessSavannah is thoughtful, grounded, and generous with her story. This is one of those conversations that gives language to people who have been searching for it.If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need the language.Subscribe for more conversations like this.0:00 – Intro & Welcome0:50 – Why “cross-dresser” no longer fits3:00 – Dual gender explained (Savannah + Chuck)4:10 – Why men in women’s clothes still shocks society7:10 – Savannah’s journey: age 6 to New York clubs9:10 – The daily practice of being out11:00 – Trauma, exposure, and the need for community13:00 – Coming out as a second puberty16:30 – Relating to men who don’t access their feminine19:40 – Host reflection: pity vs. compassion24:00 – Sensory power of clothing & the body27:30 – Sexuality, stigma & “it’s not just sexual”31:30 – Savannah’s erotic journey & unlearning labels35:20 – Recent relationship & integrating both sides37:40 – Holding dual gender in partnership42:10 – “A house is still a closet”45:00 – Quiet advocacy & reaching one person46:20 – Ideal relationship with a dual-gender partner48:30 – Societal backsliding & why visibility matters more50:40 – Who inspires Savannah’s advocacy51:40 – Advice for those beginning to explore54:10 – Where to find Savannah + closingWebsite:https://www.soulkink.com/