Finally Get What You Want: 4 Words That Reveal Why You're Stuck (& What to Do Instead)

Free assessment: find out where your core block sits in three minutes at linktr.ee/dramenkaur How to know what you truly want (and what's blocking you) Not sure what you want right now? Or do you think you know, but can't make yourself move toward it? In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains why we often want things so we'll be seen, rather than for how they make us feel, and how to tell the difference. The short answer: ask how it will feel, not how it will look. Research shows people get more happiness from experiences, and from things they buy in order to experience something, than from objects owned for status. In this episode: 1. The question isn't how you look. It's how you feel. 2. What you wanted might not fit anymore. 3. Where the need to be seen comes from. 4. The three things that block you: emotions, thoughts and your body. 5. Why love is the repair.

Coffee & Chat? Click here What does it mean when you say "I don't know who I am anymore"? It means you lost the things that were telling you who you were. A job, a marriage, a home, a parent, a version of your life you expected to keep. Your sense of self was resting on those, so when enough of them go, it goes with them. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you, and it is not a weakness. It is what happens when the labels come off. In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains why losing your identity and losing your motivation are the same thing, why they arrive in that order, and what brings both of them back. Why don't I want anything anymore? Because wanting something you believe you can no longer have is painful, so the mind withdraws it. A 2015 meta-analysis of 90 studies by Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam found that shame leads people to act when a failure feels repairable, and to withdraw when it does not. A marriage that ended cannot be unended. A job that let you go cannot be undone. So the system stops reaching. Your desire did not die. It was pulled back to protect you. Why does losing a job or a marriage feel like shame rather than disappointment? Because the standard you fell short of was probably never yours. Research on the self finds that shame tracks the gap between who you are and a standard you have taken in, and the standards that bite hardest are the ones that came from other people. Married by thirty. Successful by forty. The one who made it out. Disappointment is what you feel when your own plan fails. Shame is what you feel when you fall short of someone else's. Why can I still enjoy things but not want anything? Because enjoying and wanting run on different brain systems. Kent Berridge at the University of Michigan spent thirty years showing that wanting (the pull toward something) and liking (the pleasure once it is here) are separate. One can go quiet while the other is intact. That is why you can have a lovely afternoon with a friend and feel no pull toward anything afterward, and it is not evidence that you are broken. Would getting the job or the relationship back fix it? No, and most people already know this because they have had the thing before and it did not settle them then. Jennifer Crocker's research on contingencies of self-worth found that staking your worth on achievement produces the volatility without the payoff. In one study, students who based their self-esteem on grades reported studying more and did not get better grades. So what actually helps? Self-compassion, which is the opposite of what most people assume. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen ran four experiments in 2012. People given a self-compassionate response to their own failure were more motivated to fix the weakness, and spent longer studying after failing a test, than people given a self-esteem boost. Easing up on yourself does not cost you your edge. Who this episode is for Professional women some months on from a layoff, a divorce, a bereavement, a home lost, an inheritance, children leaving, or an ending they did not choose. People who have done the work, know roughly what they want next, and still cannot make themselves move. Chapters 00:00 "I don't know who I am anymore" and what it actually means 00:00 Why the labels were never yours to begin with 00:00 Why your wanting went quiet 00:00 Wanting and liking are different systems 00:00 Why getting it back would not settle it 00:00 The question underneath all of it 00:00 A short practice you can do right now Research referenced Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam (2015), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, meta-analysis of 90 samples on when shame leads to constructive action Kent Berridge, University of Michigan, on wanting and liking as separate systems Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe (2001) and Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park (2004), on contingencies of self-worth and the cost of pursuing self-esteem George Bonanno and Charles Burton (2013), Columbia University

Send us Fan Mail Click here for Free Masterclass Why smart, self-aware people get stuck in rumination - and how safety, not more thinking, creates change... Tired of doing everything “right” and still feeling stuck? This episode with Dr Amen Kaur explores a hard truth many capable, self-aware people face: when a sharp, analytical mind tries to heal emotional pain through more thinking, rumination takes over. It feels productive and addictive at times - but research shows it often magnifies negative emotion, narrows perspective, and predicts depression, anxiety, relapse, and stalled healing. If you grew up intelligent, self-reliant, and undertrained in emotional regulation, your brilliance may actually be working against you - not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system never learned how to feel safe before solving problems. In this episode, I share the turning point from my own journey- how insight kept piling up while real-life results didn’t change and ground it in long-term psychological research. Large-scale longitudinal studies show that rumination predicts the onset of depression (even in people who weren’t depressed to begin with), increases anxiety and trauma symptoms, and is linked to poorer outcomes in talk-based therapies when rumination isn’t addressed directly. We break down what actually helps: • Why problem-solving fails when the nervous system is dysregulated • How rumination keeps you stuck in defense instead of healing • Why insight alone doesn’t create relief • How biological safety restores clarity, context, and forward momentum You’ll learn how compassion interrupts the inner courtroom, why your body—not your thoughts—holds the signal for change, and how to recognize the exact moment to shift from thinking to sensing. We also explore how rumination hijacks attention, causes you to miss real opportunities right in front of you, and keeps highly intelligent people stuck for years - not because nothing changes, but because their system can’t perceive change. You’ll leave with practical, body-led prompts you can use today: regulate first, name the feeling without judgment, then choose the next small, grounded action. Your mind isn’t broken. It’s brilliant and overburdened. Give it a safer body to think from, and clarity returns naturally. If this resonates, follow the show, share this episode with someone who overthinks, and leave a quick review to help others find it.

Send us Fan Mail Have you ever wondered what lies beyond the pain of a past toxic relationship, and how you could possibly rekindle the flame of self-love within? Today's heartfelt exploration dives into the very essence of rebuilding that profound connection with yourself. Amidst the journey, we untangle the complex web of why we sometimes cling to relationships that hurt us, from the science of hormonal attachments to the deep-rooted fears of grieving lost dreams. You'll learn how the road to recovery demands more than just self-care; it requires a steadfast commitment to self-love as the cornerstone for all healing and growth.

Send us Fan Mail Your recovery from a narcissistic relationship will go through a 7 step process.