Friday, August 28th, 2026 - Trump Renamed a Lake, Sailor Punished for Jumping Ship, ICE arrested 49,000 people in July

Today's Headlines: AI reportedly found a bug in PHP, which runs up to 70% of the world’s websites, that could let hackers steal data or attack visitors, and while governments and businesses have been scrambling since Wednesday (some even taking sites offline preemptively), attempted attacks have ramped up since the public disclosure. Unsurprisingly, markets panicked, with the Nasdaq falling 2.5% and the S&P 500 falling 1.4% in the worst day in months, while SpaceX dropped 9% and Meta fell 7% after reporting it’s low on cash and creating a new stock class in case Zuckerberg owes a billionaire tax. Meanwhile, the DOJ charged Virginia state Sen. Louise Lucas, 82, a powerful Democrat and Trump critic, and six others with racketeering and money laundering conspiracy tied to a cannabis business she co-owns, and it also opened a criminal probe into Corey Lewandowski over allegedly profiting as a DHS adviser while his girlfriend Kristi Noem ran the department, with Trump saying “if people are not honest, they’re stealing from me” and that it’s “my DOJ” handling it. On the Israel front, AIPAC announced it will stop endorsing candidates and making direct PAC contributions after the midterms, though its super PAC, which has spent $80 million this cycle, is unaffected, and separately, Israeli forces detained dozens of volunteer monitors in the West Bank, including NYC congressional candidate Brad Lander, who were protecting Palestinian olive harvesters from settler attacks. Speaking of the region, Netanyahu has reportedly nudged Trump into planning new strikes on Iran after the midterms, with specific plans for a short, intense operation, while Iran is threatening to hit American bases and warships plus Gulf airports, pipelines, and civilian targets, and Peter Thiel was caught on tape at an October 12th Nashville lecture saying the US shouldn’t have gotten into the Iran war. On the Ukraine front, Trump reportedly called Musk and asked him to restore Starlink there, and it’s working better now, while Elon spent another $76 million on Republicans in the first two weeks of October, bringing his total to nearly $400 million. Finally, WaPo reports that Pete Hegseth wanted Eisenhower’s WWII floor globe for his office, and his staff skipped the trained curators, fetched it themselves, and dropped it, impaling it on its own display axis.

Today's Headlines: The EU says it’s investigating whether Russian, Iranian, and Algerian actors helped fuel the riots in France and elsewhere, with pro-Kremlin and far-right accounts reportedly caught spreading violent videos (though officials stress they didn’t start the protests) and regulators asking Amazon and Vinted to pull listings for apparently looted goods, while the EU and Canada are also trying to cut their Starlink dependence, with Canada’s Telesat promising a rival network by 2028 that will be open to allies, which means defending against Russia and, apparently, us. Speaking of Russia, Trump envoy Steve Witkoff called Putin a “humanitarian” and saluted him after Russia released American Stephen Hubbard, who was captured in Ukraine in 2022 and accused of being a mercenary. Back home, polls keep moving toward Democrats, but votes alone may not be enough this year, and as proof, members of the Bush family, including Neil Bush, are backing Democrat James Talarico over Ken Paxton in Texas, while Stella Parton (Dolly’s sister) warned voters to double-check their ballots after hers kept flipping to the wrong candidate in Tennessee. Meanwhile, New Mexico had a big day, suing Epstein’s longtime lawyer and accountant Darren Indyke and Richard Kahn for allegedly helping finance and conceal his trafficking at Zorro Ranch, which could cost them their estate proceeds and push assets toward victims, and on top of that, a court ordered Meta to pay the state $25 billion over the Cambridge Analytica case after a jury found more than 43 million violations of its unfair practices act (down from nearly $220 billion, with 15% annual interest, and Meta is appealing). Speaking of Meta, it also warned California that Zuckerberg might leave the state over a billionaire tax and is creating a new stock class that lets him sell up to half his stake without losing voting control, and in more billionaire news, Elon floated merging SpaceX and Tesla by the end of 2027, which conveniently helps him chase that trillion-dollar earnout, while also promising Tesla will sell humanoid robots next year. Finally, Mayor Mamdani’s administration proposed the nation’s first rule on AI customer service chatbots, requiring companies doing business in NYC to disclose AI use, provide timely help instead of looping you through menus, and offer a human option, with fines of $525, $1,050, then $3,500 for repeat violations.

Today's Headlines: The WSJ reports that Elon Musk ordered the Starlink slowdown that blindsided Ukraine on the battlefield, and while the Trump administration was reportedly surprised, Trump himself wasn’t, since sources say he and Elon discussed it beforehand. Elon is also spending $300 million to elect Republicans, though they’re polling so badly that Democrats are now advertising in Mississippi to help Scott Colom unseat Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith, and on top of that, Trump’s mid-cycle Texas redistricting, meant to net five extra House seats, is backfiring in the south Texas districts that depended on Latino support. Even with Republicans in close races distancing themselves from him, Trump plans to spend $400 million-plus from his super PAC, while Bloomberg is giving Democrats $80 million. Of course, there’s always a Plan B, because ProPublica reports that Trump’s DHS appointees asked the federal election-security cyber agency to secretly acquire a voting machine, hack it, and report back to the White House without telling the manufacturer about any flaws, with one employee worried the administration could “keep it in their back pocket” to invalidate results it doesn’t like. Luckily, WaPo reports that about 10 current and former national security officials are quietly advising states and members of Congress on how to prepare for federal election meddling. Meanwhile, Trump and Vance announced a $25 million Fraud Whistleblower Incentive Program run by DOJ that pays tipsters up to $30,000, with Trump declaring he’ll be the arbiter of all decisions, and speaking of questionable dealings, Kennedy Center chief Ric Grenell allegedly misappropriated a big donation from a Turkish businessman married to Alina Habba, who took a year to realize the money never reached the Kennedy Center, after Grenell reportedly promised VIP access and proximity to the president in a text. Finally, the DOJ is investigating whether conditions at a DC jail are so bad they violate the Constitution, following inmate lawsuits over mold, bad plumbing, and mice and insects in the food.

Today's Headlines: Trump posted that New Mexico should immediately rename itself “New America,” claiming it would raise home values and incomes and maybe even make its elections honest again. Speaking of elections, over 10 million Americans have already voted early in the midterms, with Texas early voting kicking off in the Talarico-Paxton race, where Paxton is reportedly losing suburban women even with Elon’s hundreds of millions behind him. Less fun: Wired reports election offices in at least 32 states have received suspicious white powder letters, some intercepted but others not, with at least four states evacuating offices and similar letters hitting congressional offices in both parties, including one to Rep. Hillary Scholten warning of an “impending civil war.” On top of that, Iran is reportedly obsessed with using oil prices in the final two weeks to punish Trump at the polls, Carter-1980 style, and those energy prices are also tied to the war in Ukraine, where Trump says he’s open to Putin’s Beijing summit but wants to talk “denuclearization” rather than Ukraine since Russia has been “fine” there. Fine?! Meanwhile, Zelensky told Bloomberg he believes steps have been taken to push Ukraine to capitulate, and Trump responded by posting that Zelensky probably never wanted peace. Over in France, the weekend’s riots led to curfews in Paris, Nice, and Lille, including an 11pm to 6am curfew in two looted areas of Paris, while the interior minister offered to resign (Macron declined), the justice minister admitted the government failed to contain the violence, the damage count doubled to at least 3,000 pillaged businesses, and another mass protest is being called for next weekend. In performative generosity news, Elon responded to Anthropic putting 5% of its shares into a public benefit fund by promising one SpaceX share to every kid in America next year, roughly $10.66 billion at $146 a share, with no details on how it would work, so let’s believe it when we see it. Finally, it was a big day at the Supreme Court, which refused to revive plea deals that would have spared 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammad the death penalty, keeping it on the table for his June 2028 trial, and then agreed to hear a case on whether Congress could constitutionally ban home distilling in 1868, which will decide whether your bathtub gin habit is a federal crime.

Today's Headlines: Katie Zacharia lasted five days as White House press secretary (less than half a Scaramucci), and she went out with a farewell photo in the Oval Office where she blurred a map on Trump’s desk that eagle-eyed viewers say shows East Potomac golf course renovation plans, which are currently being fought over in court after a judge scolded DOJ attorneys for chopping down trees they weren’t allowed to. Speaking of things going wrong, Saturday also brought hundreds of No Kings protests and, conveniently, a Meta suspension of the main No Kings account mid-protest, blamed on an “automated action” for high-frequency posting despite the account barely posting, while TikTok permanently banned the account for Alex Gibney’s Musk movie for “political content” before reinstating it Sunday and calling it an error. Meanwhile, Elon’s still everywhere: between the movie ad fights, the scam-ish flying Hot Wheels demo, and hundreds of millions poured into the election, Starlink restrictions are reportedly keeping Ukraine from using its drone interceptors against Russian strikes (not deliberate, he says), even as Ukraine makes gains by hitting Russian data centers. On that front, Putin floated a Beijing summit with Trump and Xi next month to settle Ukraine’s fate. Over in Europe, things are literally on fire: more than half a million people marched in France over living costs and school conditions, with nearly 1,000 police injured, almost 2,400 detained, a 19th-century city hall torched, and around 1,500 reports of looted or damaged stores, while five days of protests in Albania over corruption and the economy (Kushner’s island deal included) ended with the Supreme Court set ablaze in Tirana and police firing rubber bullets, water cannons, and tear gas at crowds demanding PM Edi Rama’s resignation. And finally, Trump endorsed Netanyahu for reelection ahead of Israel’s October 27 vote.