Show Notes
People often ask whether someone is the right person for them. But we don't spend nearly enough time asking whether that person has the capacity to meet us where we are. In this episode, we explore why understanding another person's relationship with themselves tells us more about the relationship that's possible than what they say they want. We look at how to recognize emotional capacity, why people can't meet us in places they can't meet themselves, and why accepting where someone actually is can be one of the kindest things we do, for them and for ourselves. We explore: Why the depth of a relationship is shaped by each person's relationship with themselves. What it means to assess someone's capacity instead of judging them. How to recognize when someone can, or can't, meet you where you are. Why emotional intimacy begins with intimacy with yourself. The difference between accepting where someone is and trying to change them. Why forcing people beyond their capacity creates suffering for both people. How self-awareness helps us communicate honestly about what we can and cannot give. Why understanding another person's capacity helps us build healthier relationships. How compassion and discernment can exist at the same time.
Episode Thoughts to Sit With "We need to understand where other people are so we can understand what type of dynamic we can have with them, so that we're not beating our own heads up against the wall. So we're not trying to create something that's not creatable." "It's important to know where you are with that because it is also unkind for somebody else to be looking for depth from you. And if you can't give it, it's unkind for you to act like you can... We have to have the self-awareness to assess where we are, assess what our capabilities are, and be honest." "It is unkind of us to expect someone to be able to meet us in a place where they can't meet themselves." "Sometimes in relationships, no one is to blame. People are just where they are." "It's kinder to say, 'I see where you are. This is where I am. These places just don't align at this time in our lives.' I respect that, and I hope you can respect that too." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected]. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
More from The Reality Between Us
We all have blind spots, and sometimes the person we believe ourselves to be isn't the person we're actually demonstrating ourselves to be. We may genuinely believe we're showing up in certain ways without recognizing that our behavior tells a different story. That difference matters in relationships. When our understanding of ourselves doesn't align with how we actually behave, it can affect how others experience us and whether they can trust and depend on us. Becoming more aware of those inconsistencies gives us an opportunity to develop greater coherence between who we believe we are and how we show up. In this episode, we explore: How we can engage in unhealthy or manipulative behaviors without recognizing what we're doing. The difference between who we believe ourselves to be and how we actually show up in relationships. Why inconsistencies between our words and actions can affect how others experience and trust us. The aspirational self and how we can identify with qualities we haven't yet developed through our behavior. What it takes to become more internally coherent and consistent across our relationships.
Curiosity impacts the way we experience ourselves and the people we're in relationship with. But when we believe we already know someone, we can stop asking questions and start relating to the version of them we've created in our minds, rather than who they actually are today. The same can happen with ourselves. We accept our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors as simply who we are, without questioning where they came from or whether they still fit. Curiosity gives us an opportunity to question those assumptions and better understand ourselves and others. In this episode, we explore: Why curiosity matters in continuing to get to know people as they grow and change. The ways our assumptions about someone can prevent us from seeing who they actually are. What curiosity about our own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can reveal about ourselves. The gap between how we believe we show up in relationships and how others actually experience us. How asking questions during disagreements can create shared understanding, even when we don't agree.
How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us. In this episode, we explore: Why the relationship we have with ourselves matters in the relationships we have with other people. How little we may consider ourselves when making major relational decisions. What happens when we don’t recognize our own moods, reactions, and patterns. Why changing the person or environment doesn’t necessarily change a pattern we’re carrying with us. What it means to ask other people for things we may not know how to offer them or ourselves.
Self-trust isn’t something we develop once and never have to think about again. It’s an ongoing practice, and sometimes the places where we aren’t trusting ourselves aren’t immediately obvious. We can see what is happening clearly, know how something is affecting us, and still override what we know by searching for more information, more understanding, or another explanation. We can also practice self-trust in the smallest everyday moments by responding to what we know we need instead of continually ignoring or questioning ourselves. The more we practice responding to what we know, the more self-trust becomes something we actually move from rather than something we simply believe we have. In this episode, we explore: Why self-trust is something we continue to practice, even after we’ve worked to develop it. How a lack of self-trust can show up in ways we may not immediately recognize. Why seeking more understanding can sometimes become a way of overriding what we already know. How responding to small signals from ourselves can help us practice self-trust. Why trusting ourselves includes being willing to act on what we know, even when other people see things differently.
Shame can be shaping our lives without us even realizing it’s there. Unlike feelings we can easily recognize, shame can sit underneath our reactions, our beliefs about ourselves, and the way we interpret what is happening around us. It can turn a mistake into evidence that something is wrong with us. It can change what we hear when someone brings a problem to us. And it can influence our relationships, the things we allow ourselves to receive, and even the things we say we want. In this episode, we explore: Why shame can be difficult to recognize even when it is having a significant impact on our lives. How shame can become connected to other emotions and experiences. How shame can influence self-sabotage and the things we believe we deserve. Why shame can change how we hear and respond to other people in our relationships. How self-compassion and questioning our own perceptions can begin to interrupt shame.