Show Notes
Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 04:25. Q1: Divorced dad entangled with ex 12:28 Genetic commitment calculations 27:14 Q2: Stuck with a closed-off boyfriend 33:53 Hugging an un-huggable friend 42:09 Final thoughts Q1: Any advice for a divorced dad who is still entangled with his ex wife? We have been divorced over five years now, but are still friends and live near one another. I initiated the divorce for a few reasons, mainly her emotional instability and our lack of intimacy. My ex is a nice person, but emotionally fragile. I help her a lot because we have two kids together and because she cannot handle working full time, so doesn't make much money. I pay almost all of the bills for our kids and am often at her house. I don't mind doing these things, but I can tell this is a turn off and red flag for women I have dated. The longest relationship I have had was just a few months, and that woman told me she felt she couldn't trust me not to go back to my ex and that she knew she would never be a bigger priority than my ex. Am I wrong to feel this level of responsibility to someone I am no longer married to? Is it realistic to expect I can ever find love again while remaining close to my ex? If so, how should I approach this topic with romantic prospects?
Q2: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, he is 8 years older than me and we got together when I was 22. We do not live together. He is very emotionally closed off and says this is because his parents never showed him much affection or told him they loved him so he's never learned that behaviour. He is also not very affectionate and gets visibly uncomfortable when I kiss him a few times in a row and rarely initiates this type of affection. I sometimes feel like I have a friendship, not a relationship. It's really difficult to have serious conversations about emotional issues or our future , including the prospect of living together as he gets overwhelmed and closes off. When I spoke to him about the rejection I feel when he's not affectionate he responded saying that is him being a genuine version of himself and he's not willing to fake it. Is this just a difference of personality types and do you have any methods to navigate these issues?
X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast
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A listener rates himself an 8 out of 10. He gives himself a 75% chance with two 8s and a 30% chance with two 9s, and he wants to know which way to go. Dr. Lisle says the math is beside the point. Those odds measure whether you'd be accepted, not whether the love instinct would fire in both of you. Finding that even once in a lifetime is rare. Dr. Doug Lisle explains why attractiveness is distributed on a bell curve, which makes the scale linear and not logarithmic. He also explains why the top few percent of people are functionally interchangeable on looks. He and Nathan discuss the difference between looking at women through "male glasses" and actually thinking like someone seeking a pair bond. Dr. Lisle explains why appearance matters so much more to the male brain than to the female brain, and why that isn't superficial from a gene survival standpoint. He also tells the story of a college assistant coach who went home to marry a "nice girl," and uses it to show the difference between gold and bronze in a relationship. 0:00 Who should you pursue first? 0:47 Dr. Lisle's new book: Sherlock Holmes and the Secret of Life 1:51 Listener question: two 8s or two 9s? 2:42 Is attractiveness linear or logarithmic? 5:15 Why your odds mean nothing until you really know her 9:26 Gold vs. bronze: the "nice girl" problem 12:29 Why looks matter so much to men 15:41 Dr. Lisle's verdict: start at the top and rule them out Pre-order Dr. Lisle's new book, Sherlock Holmes and the Secret of Life, at SherlockSecret.com. Use code BYG20 for 20% off. Beat Your Genes is co-hosted by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, PhD and Dr. Nathan Gershfeld, DC. New episodes every other week. Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beat-your-genes-podcast/id1137772216 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6TsmRx1vmGL88ORlcXd3PV https://www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle: https://www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld: https://www.fastingescape.com Intro and outro: City of Happy Ones. Ferenc Hegedus. Licensed for use. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast #EvolutionaryPsychology #DatingAdvice #BeatYourGenes
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