Show Notes
Why do you feel misunderstood by the people who know you best? Whether you're arguing with your spouse, struggling to communicate with your partner, or dealing with conflict at work, the problem may not be your communication skills. AJ sits down with psychologist, couples therapist, and author Yael Schonbrun to explore why misunderstandings happen, how cognitive biases distort our perceptions, and why traditional communication advice doesn't always work. Drawing from her book Why Don't You Understand Me?, Yael explains why couples fight over small things, how emotional triggers and defensiveness escalate conflict, and why trying to prove you're right can make relationships worse.
You'll learn how to resolve conflict in relationships, stop getting defensive during arguments, and repair misunderstandings without needing to win. Discover why perspective getting is more effective than simply putting yourself in someone else's shoes, how to validate your partner's feelings without agreeing with everything they say, and how anger, stress, and past experiences influence communication. Yael also shares practical strategies for breaking the victim-villain cycle, managing emotional reactions, and rebuilding connection after an argument—so you can strengthen your relationships, communicate more effectively, and help the people you care about feel truly understood.
Episode Resources:
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Chapters
00:00 – Why better communication doesn't always prevent misunderstandings04:37 – Why couples misunderstand each other more than strangers09:17 – Why common communication techniques can backfire13:08 – How humor can help de-escalate conflict18:06 – How identity and personal history shape misunderstandings23:07 – Why people focus on different parts of the same conversation28:06 – A perspective-shifting exercise for relationship conflict33:01 – Why putting yourself in someone else's shoes isn't enough38:38 – Why we get angry with the people we love42:53 – How stress and hunger can trigger unnecessary conflict46:39 – Simple relationship repair rituals after a fight51:00 – How to break the victim-villain cycle and rebuild understanding
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Keywords
why do I feel misunderstood, feeling misunderstood in a relationship, how to improve communication in a relationship, relationship communication, couples communication, how to stop arguing with your partner, conflict resolution, relationship advice, marriage communication, communication skills, emotional intelligence, cognitive biases, naive realism, perspective taking, perspective getting, active listening, how to stop being defensive, relationship conflict, emotional triggers, anger in relationships, couples therapy, relationship repair, healthy relationships, empathy, how to feel understood Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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