How To Stop Appeasing Others

Episode description Warning: This episode explores themes of trauma and abuse. What happens to the stories we never tell? For Bridey Thelen-Heidel, holding them in for decades took a real toll on her body. Writing them down became the way she started to heal. Bridey has been a high school English teacher for 27 years. She’s also a TEDx speaker and the author of the award-winning memoir Bright Eyes, a story about surviving our monsters and then learning how to live without them. The book won a Zibby Award for Best Story of Overcoming, a NYC Big Book Award and a San Francisco Book Festival Award. Her advocacy for LGBT+ youth has been recognized by the California Teachers Association. In this episode, we talk about trauma, bravery, and what it takes to finally tell the truth about your life. Bridey shares how she wrote Bright Eyes over five years without knowing where to start, but discovered her freedom and truth even when others tried to deny it. While this conversation may not discuss social anxiety, as my episodes often do, I believe this is an incredible story of bravery and vulnerability that I hope can be inspiring to you listeners. Connect with Bridey Website: https://bridey-thelenheidel.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brighteyesauthor/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bridey.heidel TEDx Talk, “ROB the Trauma: Steal Back Your Life”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT6rvXyjsZU

Don’t you hate when people tell you to just be yourself? “Just express yourself and you’ll find your people,” is what they tell you. The problem is you don’t know who you are. This is a common problem for those of use who struggle with our confidence. On this episode I explore how our fear causes us to be dishonest with ourselves and others, which leads to this identity confusion.

When my social anxiety was at it's worst, people would try to convince me that it was all in my head; that no one was thinking about me as much as I thought they were. And for a while I thought this would help. I tried to convince myself that no one was looking, staring or judging. But this never made me feel any better because I was always worried about the "what ifs." "But what if they are looking at me, then what do I do?" The reality is we cannot overcome a fear by convincing ourselves the thing we are afraid of is impossible, because it never is. When we are thinking like this, we are still thinking from a state of fear. We want to eventually get to a point where we accept that judgment is possible, but we can be ok with that.Other relevant episodes: How To Actually Not Care What People Think: https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/pq9mOJLL35b How To Actually Be Yourself: https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/dJu0THLL35bInterested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-courseWant To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

In today’s episode we explore how our mind convinces us that avoidance is a good thing. When we are really anxious we start to truly believe that social interactions are inherently dangerous, weird or awkward. The truth is they just FEEL that way. We need to teach our brain that we can handle more than we think, and it’s time we stop justifying our fears.

"Just Be Yourself." The worst advice known to man for social anxiety. Despite knowing how unhelpful this is, we can often find ourselves trying to be more "ourself." However, this desire often leads to more obsessiveness, rumination and perfectionism. It is performance rather than being. Instead we need to lower our standards. We need to understand what we can and cannot do at this given time with our anxiety, and give ourselves flexible expectations so we can see progress. Your "true" self may emerge once you stop fixating on it, or maybe it won't. But maybe it doesn't matter. Other relevant episodes: How To Actually Be Yourself: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7qxdc1vSia5PXnvrnlTasQ?si=2ADoYuFOQXWlCq3--jBzwA How To Like Yourself: https://open.spotify.com/episode/67AfJBOLvae9n6hENlbiDx?si=GWeNKg5oSuKbcVZwlpR1MQ Are You Faking It? https://open.spotify.com/episode/6QgK3oPAOXg8RFWvggrUxB?si=qE-Yv5wxToSYygftIJTfKg Interested in going deeper into understanding social anxiety and how to start taking your life back? Check out my full 3 hour length social anxiety course here: https://calm-confidence-5785.thinkific.com/products/courses/social-anxiety-courseWant To Work With Me? Check out my services here: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence