237: 8 reasons your child won’t tell you what’s wrong – and how to help

Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection.

Why Your Child Won’t Open Up—and What You Can Do

As parents, we deeply want to support our children, but when we ask, “What’s wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won’t they just tell us what’s going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you’re not alone.

In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You’ll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation.

The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World.

Questions This Episode Will Answer:

Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings? How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can't or don't speak? Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share? How should I respond when they say,“I don’t care”or“Stop talking like that”? How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more? What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it? What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative?

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions. How to recognize when your childwantsto open up but doesn’t know how. The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection. How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are. Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions.

Taming Your Triggers

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child… Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated… Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.

Click the banner to learn more!

Other episodes mentioned: 207: How not to be a permissive parent 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1 227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?

Jump to highlights

01:25 Introduction of episode

02:17 How to problem solve with children who cannot verbally share their feelings

04:34 Children might resist sharing their feelings because we’re focused on changing their behavior

07:53 Children might not participate in the conversation because we judge them

11:51 Children might resist participating in conversation because we have already decided what the “correct” solution is in advance

13:30 We haven’t taken time to understand the child’s needs

16:43 The child might not tell how they feel because they don’t know how they feel

19:56 The child might not tell you what’s wrong because you’re asking them in the heat of the moment

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 13). The four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Brittle, Z. (2023, May 29). D is for defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/d-is-for-defensiveness/#:~:text=Defensiveness%2C%20defined%20as%20any%20attempt,righteous%20indignation%2C%20counterattack%20and%20whining.