Show Notes
Attachment styles have become part of how we talk about relationships. We hear about anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, secure attachment, and often use those labels to explain why someone behaves the way they do. But attachment is more complicated than a label or what happened between us and one primary caregiver. Our nervous systems learn how to find safety within much larger environments, and those adaptations can continue operating beneath our awareness, shaping not only how we move through relationships but what happens between us and the people we're in them with. In this episode, we explore: What attachment styles are and how they operate at a nervous-system level. How our environments, experiences, social conditioning, and other influences can shape the way we learn to attach. How different attachment styles develop around what our nervous systems have learned about safety and connection. Why behaviors that look similar on the surface can come from very different places underneath. How different attachment patterns can interact with one another and create relational cycles that are difficult to recognize when we don't know what's happening.
Episode Thoughts to Sit With “It's also about how the child receives it and what your nervous system learns is the easiest, fastest way to get to what feels safe for you. That doesn't mean that's what is safe. That is not the same thing as what, in a securely attached person, would deem as safe. It's saying what is safe for you.” “There’s this really false binary narrative out there that says if your primary caregiver was horrible and critical and this and that, then you have this attachment style. And it’s not that simple. It’s not that black and white.” “Many times what is happening is it's a cycle that something in their attachment style triggers something in your attachment style, which makes you escalate, which then makes them escalate to pulling back, and now it's this whole big thing where we just keep escalating. So it's playing off of each other.” Resources / Further Reading I don't usually include resources with episodes, but these are a few of the books that have informed some of the connections I'm making here. They explore different pieces of how our early experiences, environments, nervous systems, culture, shame, and other influences can shape us. They aren't necessarily talking about attachment in the same way I'm connecting these ideas here, but they offer more context for some of what I'm drawing from in this conversation. Decolonizing Therapy by Jennifer Mullan, PsyD The Orchid and the Dandelion by W. Thomas Boyce, MD Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected]. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
More from The Reality Between Us
We all have blind spots, and sometimes the person we believe ourselves to be isn't the person we're actually demonstrating ourselves to be. We may genuinely believe we're showing up in certain ways without recognizing that our behavior tells a different story. That difference matters in relationships. When our understanding of ourselves doesn't align with how we actually behave, it can affect how others experience us and whether they can trust and depend on us. Becoming more aware of those inconsistencies gives us an opportunity to develop greater coherence between who we believe we are and how we show up. In this episode, we explore: How we can engage in unhealthy or manipulative behaviors without recognizing what we're doing. The difference between who we believe ourselves to be and how we actually show up in relationships. Why inconsistencies between our words and actions can affect how others experience and trust us. The aspirational self and how we can identify with qualities we haven't yet developed through our behavior. What it takes to become more internally coherent and consistent across our relationships.
Curiosity impacts the way we experience ourselves and the people we're in relationship with. But when we believe we already know someone, we can stop asking questions and start relating to the version of them we've created in our minds, rather than who they actually are today. The same can happen with ourselves. We accept our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors as simply who we are, without questioning where they came from or whether they still fit. Curiosity gives us an opportunity to question those assumptions and better understand ourselves and others. In this episode, we explore: Why curiosity matters in continuing to get to know people as they grow and change. The ways our assumptions about someone can prevent us from seeing who they actually are. What curiosity about our own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can reveal about ourselves. The gap between how we believe we show up in relationships and how others actually experience us. How asking questions during disagreements can create shared understanding, even when we don't agree.
How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us. In this episode, we explore: Why the relationship we have with ourselves matters in the relationships we have with other people. How little we may consider ourselves when making major relational decisions. What happens when we don’t recognize our own moods, reactions, and patterns. Why changing the person or environment doesn’t necessarily change a pattern we’re carrying with us. What it means to ask other people for things we may not know how to offer them or ourselves.
Self-trust isn’t something we develop once and never have to think about again. It’s an ongoing practice, and sometimes the places where we aren’t trusting ourselves aren’t immediately obvious. We can see what is happening clearly, know how something is affecting us, and still override what we know by searching for more information, more understanding, or another explanation. We can also practice self-trust in the smallest everyday moments by responding to what we know we need instead of continually ignoring or questioning ourselves. The more we practice responding to what we know, the more self-trust becomes something we actually move from rather than something we simply believe we have. In this episode, we explore: Why self-trust is something we continue to practice, even after we’ve worked to develop it. How a lack of self-trust can show up in ways we may not immediately recognize. Why seeking more understanding can sometimes become a way of overriding what we already know. How responding to small signals from ourselves can help us practice self-trust. Why trusting ourselves includes being willing to act on what we know, even when other people see things differently.
Shame can be shaping our lives without us even realizing it’s there. Unlike feelings we can easily recognize, shame can sit underneath our reactions, our beliefs about ourselves, and the way we interpret what is happening around us. It can turn a mistake into evidence that something is wrong with us. It can change what we hear when someone brings a problem to us. And it can influence our relationships, the things we allow ourselves to receive, and even the things we say we want. In this episode, we explore: Why shame can be difficult to recognize even when it is having a significant impact on our lives. How shame can become connected to other emotions and experiences. How shame can influence self-sabotage and the things we believe we deserve. Why shame can change how we hear and respond to other people in our relationships. How self-compassion and questioning our own perceptions can begin to interrupt shame.