Show Notes
"The silence is never neutral. It always teaches something. The question is only what." WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT Welcome to Season 11 of The Resilient Kid Podcast — The Talk. This season is dedicated to the conversations many parents dread, but many children desperately need: puberty, periods, consent, bodies, relationships and sex. In this first episode, we look at why so many grown-ups avoid these conversations, what silence can teach children, and how we can begin gently, honestly and without shame. At The Resilient People — the organisation behind The Resilient Kid and The Resilient Teen — we see the gap every week. The gap between what young people need to know and what they are actually being told. In that gap, young people often fill in the blanks themselves through friends, social media, the internet and pornography. This episode is for parents, carers and educators who want to do it differently, but are not quite sure where to begin. EPISODE TIMESTAMPS00:00 Opening note and season introduction02:00 Why this season exists04:00 Pete’s story — part one09:00 Why silence is not neutral14:00 Five ways to start17:00 Pete’s story — part two21:00 The bigger picture23:00 What is coming this season24:30 Outro and resources RESEARCH & CONCEPTS MENTIONED Brook highlights that many young people use the internet as a key source of information about sex and relationships, often before they have had meaningful conversations with trusted adults. The Sex Education Forum has found that young people often feel underprepared for the realities of relationships and sex, and want more honest, relevant conversations. Ofsted’s 2021 review of sexual abuse in schools and colleges found that sexual harassment and abuse had become normalised for many young people, with some no longer reporting incidents because they felt so common. Dr John Bancroft’s work reminds us that shame around bodies and sexuality is not something children are born with. It is often learned through silence, discomfort and avoidance. The NSPCC Talk PANTS campaign shows why children need correct language for their bodies and permission to speak openly. Language is a safeguarding tool. The Internet Watch Foundation and PSHE Association both reinforce the importance of ongoing, age-appropriate conversations with trusted adults. 💡 FIVE WAYS TO START Start before you feel ready. There is no perfect moment. Use the correct words for body parts from the beginning. Keep the conversation light, regular and ongoing. Tell them what you did not get when you were young. Use this season as a starting point for conversations at home. 📚 FIND THE FULL RESOURCES All research links, further reading and support resources mentioned in this episode are available inside our Listeners’ Lounge - https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge 💬 JOIN THE CONVERSATION Did this episode resonate with you? Are you a parent who has been putting off The Talk, or someone who has already started and wants to share what helped? We would love to hear from you.📧 Email: [email protected]📸 Instagram: @theresilientkid💻 Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk Use the hashtag #TheTalkWeNeverHad and share your story. A NOTE ON THE STORY Pete is a composite character, built from the many parents and carers who have sat across from us over the years and said some version of: I want to do this differently, but I don’t know how. If you see yourself in Pete, that is entirely intentional. You are not alone, and it is never too late to open the door. USEFUL LINKS Newsletter Sign-up: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/240667/93026367927485942/shareA Parent’s Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk
More from Resilient Kid: Therapy and tips for raising strong kids and teens
What if the child who's hardest to teach is telling you something important? In the last week before half-term, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello asks one question that changes how we respond to behaviour. She explores the iceberg beneath what we see, why "attention-seeking" is often connection-seeking, and what to do in the moment when you have no idea why a child is struggling. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: One question that changes everything: "What is this behaviour telling me?" The iceberg model, and why rewards and sanctions bounce off a flipped lid Joe and the book on the floor: attention-seeking or connection-seeking? Children do well if they can: behaviour as a lagging skill Before the storm: the relational bank account and early warning signs Try it tomorrow: the iceberg pause, and a four-step response for when you don't know why When you don't know why: four steps 1. Calm voice: slow it down, take a breath, drop your shoulders 2. Fewer demands: in the storm, ask less, not more 3. Stay close, but not too close: get down to their level, slightly to the side 4. Name what you see, without judgement: "Something feels really hard right now, and I'm here" Next week: Calm is contagious. Co-regulation, practical tools for breathing, movement and calm corners, and a half-term look at your own wellbeing. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/5i9tZ5jtiTI • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] "Children do well if they can" and lagging skills draw on the work of Dr Ross Greene. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why can a child manage their phonics on Tuesday but not on Monday morning? Following World Mental Health Day, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello takes educators inside the developing brain. She explains why a stressed child can't learn, what "flipping your lid" really means, and how a predictable routine can keep more children in their learning zone. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: Why the thinking brain is still under construction until the mid to late twenties The upstairs and downstairs brain, and why logic doesn't work mid-meltdown Fight, flight, and freeze, and a fourth response that hides in plain sight (fawning) The hand model: a simple way to explain flipping your lid to children The window of tolerance, and why every child's window is a different size Alfie and the bin: rethinking Monday mornings Try it tomorrow: teach the hand model, and build a Monday soft landing The hand model in four steps: 1. Thumb across the palm: the downstairs brain, your feelings and smoke alarm 2. Fingers folded over the top: the upstairs brain, your thinking brain, looking after your feelings 3. Fingers flip up: big feelings have flipped your lid 4. Fold them back down slowly: with breathing, movement, quiet, and a calm grown-up Next week: What behaviour is trying to tell us. The iceberg beneath the behaviour, and why "attention-seeking" may be the most misunderstood phrase in education. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The upstairs/downstairs brain, hand model, and window of tolerance draw on the work of Dr Daniel Siegel. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why are so many children arriving at school already in survival mode, and what can educators actually do about it? In the first episode of The Resilient Classroom, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello shares the story of the lion in the attic, looks at how childhood has changed, and introduces GROW: a simple, honest framework for turning mistakes into the place where resilience is built. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: The lion in the attic, and why so many children arrive in fight or flight What has changed: lost micro-moments of independence, the shrinking village, and the removal of everyday risk What resilience is (bouncing forward) and what it is not (toughness, the absence of struggle, or a fixed trait) Psychological safety: the foundation the book's ten components of resilience stand on Isla and the screwed-up page: GROW in action Try it tomorrow: GROW on the wall and "Let's GROW this" The GROW framework: G – Getting it wrong: the attempt is the point R – Reflecting: what happened, what did I notice, what did I feel? O – Owning it: responsibility without shame W – Working it out: what will I try next? Next week: The brain that walks into your classroom. Upstairs and downstairs brain, the hand model, and why Mondays can be the hardest day. Find out more & Links: • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT In this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Final Episode Setup • 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework • 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review • 07:19 — Why Gradual Works • 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options • 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan • 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples • 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement • 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first. 2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit). 3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence. 4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving. 5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework • UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs • Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways • C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal • Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty • SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.
The Resilient Kid Podcast Season 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up "The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT Focusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer • 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking • 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident • 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data • 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring • 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers • 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy • 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination • 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones • 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together. 2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later. 3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections. 4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations. 5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%) • BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition • C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance • Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study • Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion • BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.