242. Are calming strategies making anxiety worse?

When a child is melting down, panicking, or refusing to do something hard, should we calm them down or help them stay with the discomfort?

In this episode of Overpowering Emotions, Dr. Caroline breaks down distress tolerance skills and the ways they are often misunderstood. She explains the difference between true emotional overwhelm and emotional avoidance, why timing matters more than the strategy itself, and how well-meaning adults accidentally reinforce anxiety by helping kids escape discomfort too quickly. Dr. Caroline walks through common DBT distress tolerance skills including ACCEPTS, self-soothe, IMPROVE, half-smile, grounding, breathing, and creative outlets. She shares when these tools can support nervous system regulation and when they can quietly fuel avoidance patterns instead.

This episode is packed with practical examples for supporting anxious kids, emotionally reactive teens, and neurodivergent learners without turning coping skills into escape rituals.

You’ll learn: How to tell the difference between overwhelm and avoidance Why some calming strategies backfire How to help kids “ride the wave” of emotions What emotional endurance actually looks like How to keep the thinking brain online during distress Why discomfort is necessary for resilience  If you’ve ever wondered whether coping strategies are helping children stay engaged or helping them escape, this conversation will change the way you think about emotional support.

Homework Activities

Practice Naming the State

When a child becomes emotional, pause and ask:

“Are you overwhelmed right now?” “Or are you trying to avoid something hard?”

Goal: Help them recognize the difference between emotional flooding and discomfort avoidance.

Ride the Wave Exercise

During mild distress:

Stay present Validate with short statements Avoid fixing or reassuring repeatedly

Examples: “This feels really hard.” “I’m here.” “You can do hard things.”

Goal: Build tolerance for emotional discomfort.

Practice Skills Outside Stress

Choose one skill daily during calm moments:

Long exhalations Half smile Imagery Music Creative outlets Movement breaks

Goal: Build familiarity before stress hits.

Return-to-Task Practice

After using a coping strategy, intentionally return to the difficult task.

Examples:

Hard homework problem Anxiety-provoking activity Challenging conversation

Goal: Prevent coping skills from becoming escape routines.

One Thing at a Time Practice

When kids feel overwhelmed:

Focus only on the next step Use short-term thinking Reduce future forecasting

Prompt: “We only need to get through this moment.” Goal: Reduce panic caused by anticipating everything at once.

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Want to learn more about helping kids strengthen their emotion regulation skills and problem-solving brains while boosting their confidence, independence, and resilience? Check out my many training opportunities! https://drcarolinebuzanko.com/upcoming-events/