When People ASSUME They Know You – Variety & Neurodiversity

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the variety of neurodiversity.

I’ve been staying with friends over the past few weeks, including Lucas, who is nearly 12. He is autistic, and after spending time trawling through the Gentle Rebel Podcast episode archive, we had a chat about topics he thought would be good to explore.

One of those topics was what he described as “the variety of neurodiversity”. When I asked what that meant to him, and why he felt that was an important thing to discuss, he said that it’s important to realise that not all neurodivergent people have the same needs or preferences.

It can be frustrating for him when people make assumptions because of his autism, confusing one person’s experience as being true and applicable to everyone.

It reminded me of the story I’ve told a few times on the podcast, when I shared that I love horror films and someone responded by saying it meant I wasn’t a highly sensitive person (HSP). Fortunately, I met a bunch of fellow HSP horror fans who were very grateful to discover they were not alone in that love and passion. It was a really nice reminder that we are all different.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to our natural variations, and while brains share characteristics across neurotypes, our needs, preferences, and tastes are a more complex mix of genetics, environment, and psychology.

https://youtu.be/4xJmXtRoIlM

13 Questions

I created a mini-zine for Lucas to answer some questions about this topic, which I share in the episode. He has given me permission to talk about his responses because we hope this can help people feel a bit safer and more confident being themselves, even if it makes them different. And for those listening who spend time with neurodivergent people, we hope this encourages them to see everyone as an individual rather than making assumptions that they would be the same as others they’ve met, or as themselves.

I would also love to invite you to share your own responses to these questions. I’ve created a survey because I’d be really interested in gathering a variety of responses and getting a sense of the variety of neurodiversity.

Can you remember a time when someone assumed something about you because you were autistic? What did they get wrong?

Before moving to be educated at home, Lucas had noticed adults assuming that he was like the other autistic children at the school. The teachers assumed he found it difficult to learn, but in Lucas’s case, he found it difficult to be at school.

Having spent a lot of time with the family over the past five years, I’ve seen this radical shift as he has transitioned from that institutional school setting to home-based education and is absolutely blossoming. In a way, it feels frustrating that the teachers who had all but written him off through those assumptions will likely never see it. He loves learning, is a sponge for knowledge, and embraces the joy of connecting the dots across a vast range of subjects.

What do people tend to misunderstand most about neurodivergent people?

“Sometimes people think we’re all the same”, Lucas replied to this one. “They assume that ADHD people are naughty, but actually our brains have so much to focus on so it’s hard to listen.”

“Naughty” is a judgement based on the person making it (and the context they are in). In many situations not designed for different types of brains, when people are unable to focus, respond as expected, or do so at the correct speed, authority figures may ascribe intent to those actions. This underpins the disadvantage faced by those expected to play by rules that impose a heavy cognitive load. This can prevent them from functioning and flourishing in their natural way.

Have people ever tried to help you in a way that actually made things harder? What did they do?

I didn’t ask this question to make people with good hearts feel bad. But because it sits at the heart of much of this stuff, and I’ve heard countless stories