From Broken to Secure: How Attachment Styles Shape Sex, Love, and Addiction
Every Manโs Battle PodcastShow Notes
๐ป START YOUR WEEK WITH HOPE ON ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉLicensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes welcome back Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Marc Cameron, New Life LIVE panelist and author of Understanding Your Attachment Style, for part two of their deep dive on attachment styles and sexual propensities. In this episode, they unpack the Vacillator and Chaotic/Disorganized (ControllerโVictim) patterns, then paint a hopeful picture of what it looks like to become a secure connectorโeven if you never had that growing up.โโIf you havenโt heard Episode 4 yet (Avoider Pleaser), listen to that first and then jump into this continuation. Together, these episodes help men see why their sexual struggles are not random, but tied to how they learned to relate, attach, and cope long before pornography or affairs entered the picture.โโโ๏ธ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐:โWhat does the Vacillator look like sexually?โMarc explains that Vacillators (anxious, preoccupied / ambivalent) grew up with inconsistent connectionโa parent who was sometimes very present and sometimes absent due to travel, divorce, deployment, or instability. They learn to idealize connection, then protest when they feel let down, creating a pushโpull dynamic of intense pursuit followed by angry withdrawal. Dating can feel intoxicating: rapid emotional bonding, oversharing, and early sexual involvement, but once real life surfaces and the idealized picture collapses, Vacillators can flip from โyouโre my soulmateโ to โIโm doneโ almost overnight, often mistaking dopamineโdriven intensity for true intimacy.โโโโIs the Vacillator more โloveโaddictedโ than sexโaddicted?โJJ and Marc contrast the Avoiderโs tendency toward sex addiction (using porn and sex as stress relief) with the Vacillatorโs vulnerability to love addictionโchasing the high of romantic intensity and the fantasy of โthe one.โ Vacillators often believe there is a single perfect person who will finally meet their every need; when that illusion breaks, they detach and go looking for someone new who reignites the feeling.โโโHow does this show up in marriage and affairs?โIn marriage, Vacillators may start with high passion and frequent sex, especially as a way to feel reassured that the connection is real and not going away. When disappointment sets in, conflict escalates: the Vacillator protests with criticism and complaints, while an Avoider spouse often shuts down or withdraws, creating a classic AvoiderโVacillator cycle. Vacillator affairs tend to be framed as โIโve fallen in love with someone else,โ not just oneโnight stands; they see the affair partner as a new ideal, while their spouse becomes the symbol of disappointment and lost connection.โโโWhat about the Chaotic/Disorganized styleโController and Victim?โMarc describes Chaotic/Disorganized attachment as forming in homes marked by danger, abuse, addiction, and neglect, where the childโs primary task is survival. Over time, some become Controllers, having learned that in relationships โone person is in charge and the other is powerless,โ while others become Victims, developing learned helplessness and trying to stay under the radar to minimize harm. In adulthood, Controllers and Victims often find each other and repeat the abuse cycle; touch has been paired with fear and adrenaline, so sex may become fused with pain, humiliation, and highโrisk behaviors rather than comfort and connection.โโโHow do sexual dynamics work between Controllers and Victims?โFor Controllers, sex is unilateral and utilitarianโit is something they demand when they want it, often as a way to discharge anger, exert power, or regulate their own nervous system. Victims may endure degrading or painful sexual acts primarily to stay safe and โkeep the abuser calm,โ seeing sex as damage control rather than mutual pleasure or intimacy. Marc notes that these patterns are tragically common yet often hidden, and that Controllers and Victims are among the least likely to seek help because of
More from Every Manโs Battle Podcast
These October messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the changing seasons as you continue fighting Every Manโs Battle.๐ป ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉ โ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐จtesIn this final installment of the Key Elements of Transformation series, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes explain why you cannot do sexual integrity recovery alone and why behavior change without heart change eventually fails. Building on earlier episodes about grace, surrender, story work, and compassion, they now unpack how community, confrontation, and honest feedback become instruments of Godโs transforming grace.Youโll learn:Why isolation keeps your blind spots hidden, and how safe, truthโtelling brothers (not โyesโmenโ) help you see and change destructive patterns.The critical difference between behavior modification (shortโterm, performanceโdriven) and heart transformation (Spiritโled, relational, longโterm), and how each impacts your spouse, children, church, and friends.How courageous conversationsโlike friends confronting JJ about major life decisions or chronic latenessโillustrate the kind of community every man needs for lasting change.๐ Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ to save $100 when you register for the Every Manโs Battle Intensive, and ask about scholarships so finances donโt keep you from the help and community you need.๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐R EMAIL ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐Want extra content to encourage your integrity, delivered via email each month?๐ Email [email protected] with โBonus Contentโ in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Manโs Battle Podcast resources.โHave a question, story, or idea for a future episode?๐ Email [email protected] with โPodcast Questionโ in the subject line so JJ and Doug can consider it for upcoming QA episodes.โ๏ธ Need a counselor, mentor, or group to walk with you?๐ Call 800โNEWโLIFE or visit NewLife.com to find Christian counseling and menโs sexual integrity groups (inโperson and online).๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ โ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐If this series has highlighted how much youโve tried to do recovery alone or rely on behavior checklists, itโs time to step into brotherhood and heart transformation. The Every Manโs Battle Intensive is a 3โday, Christโcentered workshop where licensed Christian counselors and trained facilitators walk you and a small group of men through teaching, story work, and practical tools you canโt get by yourself.After the workshop, you can plug into Every Manโs Battle groups, Menโs Sexual Integrity groups, and other support/12โstep style groups that New Life offers in person and online, so youโre never walking this path alone again.๐ต Worried about cost? Scholarships are available because New Life does not want finances to be the reason you stay in bondage. When you call 800โNEWโLIFE, ask about assistance for the Every Manโs Battle Intensive and related groups.Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ when you register to save $100 on your Every Manโs Battle tuition.๐ง Discover more ways to listen watch:๐ Every Manโs Battle Podcast hub: https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/๐ New Life LIVE other New Life podcasts: https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #Transformation #HeartChangeVsBehaviorChange #Community #BrothersInTheBattle #NewLifeMinistries
These October messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the changing seasons as you continue fighting Every Manโs Battle.๐ป ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉ โ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐จ๐๐๐In Part 2 of the Key Elements of Transformation series, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes draw on Gabor Matรฉโs insight that the real question is not โWhy the addiction?โ but โWhy the pain?โ They show how sexual acting out is a flawed attempt to soothe unaddressed childhood wounds, and they model a compassionate, curious way of revisiting those stories instead of piling on more shame.Youโll learn:Why slowing down, journaling, and tracing your last relapse backward in time helps identify emotions, thoughts, and needs that drove the behavior.How JJโs and Dougโs own stories of public shame and insignificance still echo in adulthoodโand how compassionate reโparenting of their younger selves changes their responses today.Practical first steps for processing acting out (journaling, naming needs, seeking legitimate ways to meet them) and why doing this work in communityโthrough groups like Sustained Victory and other menโs sexual integrity meetingsโis essential for lasting transformation.๐ Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ to save $100 when you register for the Every Manโs Battle Intensive, and ask about scholarships so finances donโt keep you from the help you need.๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐R EMAIL ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐Want extra content to encourage your integrity, delivered via email each month?๐ Email [email protected] with โBonus Contentโ in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Manโs Battle Podcast resources.โHave questions or feedback, or want JJ and Doug to address your specific struggle in a future episode?๐ Email [email protected] with โPodcast Questionโ in the subject line.โ๏ธ Need prayer, a counselor, or help finding a group?๐ Call 800โNEWโLIFE or visit NewLife.com for counseling, groups, and faithโbased sexual integrity resources.๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ โ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐If youโre tired of beating yourself up after each relapse and ready to learn why you keep going back, the Every Manโs Battle Intensive is a crucial next step. This 3โday, inโperson workshop combines teaching, story work, smallโgroup interaction, and practical tools so men can address both behaviors and the pain beneath them.After the weekend, Sustained Victory and other New Life menโs sexual integrity groups offer the ongoing support, accountability, and compassionate community needed to keep processing wounds, needs, and triggers in real time.๐ต Concerned about cost? Scholarships are available because New Life does not want finances to be the reason you stay stuck. When you call 800โNEWโLIFE, ask about assistance for Every Manโs Battle and ongoing groups.Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ when you register to save $100 on your Every Manโs Battle registration.๐ง Discover more ways to listen watch:๐ Every Manโs Battle Podcast hub: https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/๐ New Life LIVE other podcasts: https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #Transformation #GaborMate #ChildhoodWounds #CompassionateInquiry #Journaling #SustainedVictory #NewLifeMinistries
These October messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the changing seasons as you continue fighting Every Manโs Battle.๐ป ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉ โ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐จ๐๐๐In Part 1 of a twoโepisode series on the key elements of transformation, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes unpack why sexual integrity is about far more than โnot looking at pornโ or โtrying harder.โ They distinguish behavior modification from graceโcentered heart change, emphasizing that without surrender, story work, and community, men will either whiteโknuckle sobriety or simply swap one unhealthy behavior for another.Youโll learn:Why surrender to Godโs care is not weakness or defeat, but the doorway to freedom and real spiritual transformation.How understanding your story behind your unwanted behaviorsโwith curiosity and kindness, not contemptโhelps you identify the wounds you keep reenacting in adulthood.Why community (Sustained Victory groups, church relationships, brothers in the battle) is essential for lasting change, and how to join the EMB email list and survey so the podcast can better serve you.๐ Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ to save $100 when you register for the Every Manโs Battle Intensive, and ask about scholarships so finances donโt keep you from the help you need.๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐JJ pauses midโepisode to make a specific request:Become part of the EMB email list so the team can better serve you.Complete a short listener survey that will shape future topics and resources.๐ To join: email [email protected] and ask to be added to the Every Manโs Battle Podcast list and receive the survey.Want extra content to encourage your integrity, delivered via email each month?๐ Email [email protected] with โBonus Contentโ in the subject line.Have a question or topic suggestion?๐ Email [email protected] with โPodcast Questionโ in the subject line.โ๏ธ Need prayer, a counselor, or more info on workshops and groups?๐ Call 800โNEWโLIFE or visit NewLife.com for counseling, groups, and faithโbased sexual integrity resources.๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ โ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐If youโre realizing youโve tried to whiteโknuckle change without surrender, story work, or real community, the Every Manโs Battle Intensive is a vital next step. This 3โday, inโperson workshop brings together licensed Christian counselors and a small group of men for teaching, story work, and practical tools to move beyond behavior modification into heartโlevel transformation.After the weekend, Sustained Victory weekly groups provide the ongoing brotherhood, accountability, and graceโfilled feedback that help men live out what they learned, instead of slipping back into old patterns.๐ต Concerned about cost? New Life offers scholarships because finances should never be the reason a man stays stuck. When you call 800โNEWโLIFE, ask about assistance for both Every Manโs Battle and Sustained Victory.Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ when you register to save $100 on your Every Manโs Battle registration.๐ง Discover more ways to listen watch:๐ Every Manโs Battle Podcast hub: https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/๐ New Life LIVE other podcasts: https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #Transformation #Surrender #StoryWork #GraceNotShame #SustainedVictory #EveryMansBattleWorkshop #NewLifeMinistries
These September messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the changing seasons as you continue fighting Every Manโs Battle.๐ป ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉ โ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐ Show NotesIn this Season 3 โmeet the facilitatorsโ episode, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes interview Joe Elliott, an Every Manโs Battle breakoutโgroup and Sustained Victory facilitator whose story spans childhood exposure to sexualized media, decades of acting out across nearly all sexual boundaries, and a powerful turn toward freedom and service. Joe first attended EMB in 2011 after his wife, Kyra, confronted his ogling and friends pointed them to New Life.Youโll hear:How early experiencesโlike a nude portrait in his home, pinโups in the closet, and TV โheroesโ who slept with every guest starโshaped Joeโs objectification, compulsive masturbation, serial monogamy, and infidelity.Why skipping Sustained Victory after his first EMB led to relapse four years later, and how weekly groups, checkโin calls, journaling, and understanding โeye woundsโ now anchor his ongoing recovery and marriage.What Kyra told him about forgiveness vs. trustโand how her recorded prayer for EMB men today reflects Godโs grace at work in both of their lives.๐ Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ to save $100 when you register for the Every Manโs Battle Intensive, and ask about scholarships for both EMB and Sustained Victory so cost doesnโt keep you from the help you need.๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐R EMAIL ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐Want extra content to encourage your integrity, delivered via email each month?๐ Email [email protected] with โBonus Contentโ in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Manโs Battle Podcast resources.โHave a question or topic suggestion?๐ Email [email protected] with โPodcast Questionโ in the subject line.โ๏ธ Need prayer, a counselor, or more info on workshops and groups?๐ Call 800โNEWโLIFE or visit NewLife.com for counseling, groups, and faithโbased sexual integrity resources.๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ โ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐If Joeโs story sounds painfully familiarโearly exposure, escalating behaviors, broken promises, and a โwhiteโknuckledโ attempt to fix things aloneโthe Every Manโs Battle Intensive is where your turnaround can begin. This 3โday, inโperson workshop provides a safe, shameโfree zone where licensed Christian counselors lead you and a small group of men through story work, biblical teaching, and practical tools for sexual integrity.After the weekend, Sustained Victory weekly groups offer the structured, ongoing support Joe wishes heโd embraced from day oneโguided conversations, accountability, and brotherhood that help you maintain momentum long after the event ends.๐ต Worried about cost? Joe mentions scholarships because New Life never wants money to be the reason you stay stuck. When you call 800โNEWโLIFE, ask about scholarship options for both Every Manโs Battle and Sustained Victory.Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ when you register to save $100 on the Every Manโs Battle workshop.๐ง Discover more ways to listen watch:๐ Every Manโs Battle Podcast hub: https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/๐ New Life LIVE other podcasts: https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #JoeElliott #FacilitatorStories #PornAddiction #BrothersInTheBattle #SustainedVictory #EveryMansBattleWorkshop #NewLifeMinistries
These September messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the changing seasons as you continue fighting Every Manโs Battle.๐ป ๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฃโ๐จ ๐ฝ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ก๐ ๐๐ค๐๐๐๐จ๐ฉ โ ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐ Show NotesFrom Dallas during an Every Manโs Battle Intensive, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes continue their โFinding What Mattersโ seriesโshifting from what to look for in a woman to the deeper question, โWhat kind of man am I becoming?โ They unpack why character, emotional health, and humility matter more than perfection or chemistry, and share candidly what theyโd do differently if they could redo their dating years.Youโll learn:Why you must first let God define your identity instead of handing women your โreport cardโ and asking them to tell you who you are.Key traits to look for in a woman: genuine faith, growing character, emotional honesty, and humilityโnot flawless performance or constant excitement.How mentoring, community feedback, and environments like the Every Manโs Battle Intensive can help both younger and older men walk in greater wisdom in dating and marriage.๐ Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ to save $100 on the Every Manโs Battle Intensive, a 3โday workshop where men address sexual integrity, grow in character, and learn to pursue relationships that truly reflect Godโs design๐ง ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐R EMAIL ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐Want extra content to encourage your integrity, delivered via email each month?๐ Email [email protected] with โBonus Contentโ in the subject line to receive exclusive Every Manโs Battle Podcast resources.โHave a question or topic suggestion?๐ Email [email protected] with โPodcast Questionโ in the subject line.โโ๏ธ Need prayer, a counselor, or more info on workshops and groups?๐ Call 800โNEWโLIFE or visit NewLife.com for counseling, groups, and faithโbased sexual integrity resources.โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐ ๐๐ โ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐โ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐If this twoโpart series exposed how much your approach to dating and relationships has been driven by feelings, fantasy, or insecurity, the Every Manโs Battle Intensive is a crucial next step. This 3โday, inโperson workshop creates a noโshame zone where men confront sexual sin, understand their patterns, and experience mentoring and brotherhood in small groups led by licensed Christian counselors.Use code ๐๐๐๐๐๐ when you register to save $100 on your tuition. If finances are tight, ask about scholarships and financial assistance when you call 800โNEWโLIFEโNew Life does not want money to be the reason you stay stuck.๐ง Discover more ways to listen watch:๐ Every Manโs Battle Podcast hub:https://newlife.com/podcasts/every-mans-battle/๐ New Life LIVE other podcasts:https://newlife.com/podcasts/#EveryMansBattle #SexualIntegrity #DatingWisdom #Mentoring #ChristianMen #ChoosingASpouse #CharacterOverChemistry #Sanctification #EveryMansBattleWorkshop #NewLifeMinistries