Show Notes
Have you ever looked for another person to fix the internal noise you cannot stand? In this episode, I look back at how I used external validation to escape my own feelings of inadequacy.
Before getting sober and stepping into recovery, walking down a street in New York City could trigger a complete internal crisis. The moment I saw an attractive woman, my mind convinced me that her approval was the ultimate cure for my low self-esteem. I would approach out of sheer anxiety, desperate for a fix. If rejection happened, I made up a story like, "Oh, I might not look rich enough for her." Then that thought became a fact in my brain: "I don't look rich enough for her," and I had to sit with the belief that I was not enough, which felt like crap. That experience was not comfortable, so then I looked for another quick fix, like a donut in a coffee shop, candy, or swiping on the apps to temporarily ease my pain.
It was only through hitting walls and learning to become the witness to my thoughts that real healing began. By practicing acceptance and detaching from the stories my brain creates, I started shifting away from compulsive reactions and moving toward conscious choices.
This episode isn't just about my past conditioning; it is about your relationship with emotional discomfort, too. I invite you to reflect on where you turn when anxiety strikes and whether you are letting your thoughts pull you around on a leash.
Growth is a slow, steady movement from compulsive reaction to conscious choice
More from The Shift: A Podcast With Ben Brown
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For almost 30 years, I ran from every uncomfortable feeling I had. As a kid, nail-biting and video games. Then, as a teen and beyond, porn, fantasy, and sex. When I decided to get sober, I lost every one of those buffers at once, and I had to find another way to survive the fear. I needed a new coping mechanism.
Do you know exactly what your problems are, but have no idea where you actually want to go? When I first got into recovery, my mentor challenged me to write down my five-year dream life. I played it safe. Censored myself so I wouldn't fail and feel bad. He looked at what I wrote, saw straight through it, and sent me back to do it again. This time, from a place of full permission to dream, not from what I thought was realistic.