Summary
A humorous recounting of mishaps involving septic tanks and personal disasters highlights the latest tales shared by listeners. One story features a father who, while attempting to pump waste from a malfunctioning septic tank, ends up covered in excrement after a series of unfortunate mishaps with a sludge pump. The father’s determination to fix the problem, despite the mess, leads to a comical scene that leaves his family in stitches, showcasing the spirit of resilience and humor in the face of adversity.
Another listener shares a story about a friend, humorously nicknamed "Johnny One Stroke," who experiences a chaotic night after a weekend of heavy drinking and a questionable meal of seagull. The tale culminates in a disastrous attempt to use a sink as a toilet, resulting in a messy situation that leaves Johnny defeated and retreating to bed. These anecdotes emphasize the theme of legendary moments in everyday life, inviting others to share their own stories of mishaps and misadventures.
Show Notes
Pee, Poo, Puke. The Grand Slam. This week, Johnny Vaughan and Gavin “The Woodman” Woods celebrate your own Bloomin’ Legends, with two listener stories involving heroic determination, disastrous decisions and a truly staggering amount of bodily waste. There’s a dad who thinks he can outmanoeuvre a septic tank pump, a naval aviator whose big weekend ends in the dreaded “grand slam”, and a potential merchandise scheme where your reward might be permission to buy something. What You’ll Hear in This Episode: 💩 The sludge pump incident – when a pipe comes loose and sewage starts flooding the garden, Sean’s dad decides to reconnect it while the machine’s still running. It requires split-second timing. He does not have split-second timing 🔧 “I’ve come this far…” – already covered from head to toe, one determined father keeps trying the same manoeuvre, with increasingly brown results. His family have never laughed harder. He never sees the funny side ⚓ A seagull, some jelly powder and a big night out – after a week of escape and evasion training, a group of budding naval aviators ignore the warnings about overindulging and head straight for a weekend on the booze 🤢 Johnny One Stroke completes the grand slam – one small sink, several urgent problems and an ambitious series of turns. A listener nomination that leaves Johnny and Gav in absolutely no doubt: he’s straight in 👕 The exclusive right to buy a sweatshirt – the boys discuss mugs, merchandise and a coupon system that makes being rewarded for your loyalty sound suspiciously like an application process Got a legend you want us to cover? A disastrous DIY dad, a one-eyed wonder or another grand slam contender? We want your stories. 📩 Send it to: [email protected] 📲 Follow us on TikTok & Instagram: @BloominLegends 🎥 Watch the full episode on YouTube: youtube.com/@bloominlegends Listen to all episodes on Global Player, download the app, or visit www.globalplayer.com Bloomin’ Legends is a Global production. New episodes are released every Wednesday & Sunday. Subscribe to never miss an episode!
More from Bloomin' Legends with Johnny Vaughan & Gavin Woods
It's the Bloomin' Legends Halloween special, and Johnny Vaughan and Gavin "The Woodman" Woods have five wartime ghost stories across land, sea and air. Although Johnny would like it on record that Gav has a frustrating habit of explaining ruining the spookyness of them. What You'll Hear in This Episode: 🏹 The Angels of Mons – August 1914, the retreat from Mons, and the phantom Agincourt bowmen said to have held the German advance long enough for the BEF to get out. Why Johnny thinks it should be the most famous story of the entire war 🪖 The Corridor of Lost Souls – a historian camping at Verdun digs a tin out of the mud, finds a 1916 diary, hears a French voice in the fog, and sees a soldier in a 1916 helmet. Then the diary page had moved ✈️ The bomber that landed itself – November 1944, Belgium. A B-17 comes down, bounces to a halt and sits there with its engines growling. When they finally open the hatch: no crew, half-eaten candy bars, code books still aboard and a full set of untouched parachutes 💀 The dead pilot still flying – 1942, over China. Two American pilots intercept a P-40 with no canopy, no landing gear, part of a wing missing and the pilot slumped forward in the cockpit. It never fired, never manoeuvred, and crashed into a rice field. Nobody knows who he was 🚢 The destroyer that came back – the USS Stewart, scuttled in 1942, spotted months later cruising the Pacific under Japanese colours 🐠 Plus: the three methods of pet burial – Navy, Army and RAF. You have to be fairly senior to qualify for the RAF one If you love war stories, ghost stories, military history, Halloween and unbelievable true tales, this episode of Bloomin' Legends is for you. Got a legend you want us to cover? 📩 Send it to: [email protected] 📲 Follow us on TikTok & Instagram: @BloominLegends 🎥 Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bloominlegends Listen to all episodes on Global Player, download the app, or visit www.globalplayer.com Bloomin' Legends is a Global production Produced by Ben Fairclough New episodes are released every Wednesday & Sunday. Subscribe to never miss an episode!
They didn't stop public hangings because people found them distasteful. They stopped them because the crowds kept rioting. Johnny and Gav on Britain's strangest spectator sport, and the few years when you could have taken in an execution and a football match on the same day. The Extra Legendary Bit is where Johnny Vaughan and Gavin "The Woodman" Woods dive into your messages and uncover the gloriously unhinged tales sent in by the Bloomin' Legends nation. What You'll Hear in This Episode: ⚖️ The correction, and the pedantry it unleashed – Johnny owns the Thackeray error, explains how Peter Ackroyd's biography of London tripped him up, and discovers that being slightly wrong is the most engaging thing you can possibly do 🪢 Why executions went indoors – not public taste, but public order. The crowds rioted, every single time ⚽ Hanging and football, the same era – the last public execution in London was 1868. The Cambridge rules of football arrived in 1863. For a brief window you could genuinely have gone to a hanging and then on to watch Notts County 💨 Roland the Farter – James nominates a genuine 12th century court entertainer who performed an annual jump, whistle and fart for Henry II, and was rewarded with a manor in Suffolk. His heirs inherited both the estate and the obligation to keep doing it 👮 Where "copper" really comes from – a serving Met sergeant writes in to correct the record: it predates Peel and the Met entirely, and comes from the copper band around the Bow Street Runners' truncheons If you love funny true stories, listener tales, dark British history, odd facts and comedy podcasts, this bonus episode of Bloomin' Legends is for you. Got a story that can top this week's madness? 📩 Send it to: [email protected] 📲 Follow us on TikTok & Instagram: @BloominLegends 🎥 Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bloominlegends Listen to all episodes on Global Player, download the app, or visit www.globalplayer.com Bloomin' Legends is a Global production Produced by Ben Fairclough New episodes are released every Wednesday & Sunday. Subscribe to never miss an episode!
The most powerful man in the known world walked up to him and asked if there was anything he could do for him. He was lying in the sun at the time. His answer was: "You could stand out of my light."
Episode Bio: Today we learn about a stray dog in Athens who turned up to every single protest, and was so unbothered by tear gas that it eventually killed him. The Extra Legendary Bit is where Johnny Vaughan and Gavin "The Woodman" Woods dive into your messages and uncover the gloriously unhinged tales sent in by the Bloomin' Legends nation. What You'll Hear in This Episode: 🐕 Loukanikos, the riot dog of Athens – George writes in to ask whether you can be a bloomin' legend if you aren't even human. Loukanikos settles it: a stray who attended Greek protests for years, cared for by left-wing groups, commemorated in murals, and whose name doubles as slang for a Molotov cocktail 🦁 Dogs that were bred to hunt lions – Johnny and Gav on the mastiff problem: the owners who insist their donkey-sized dog is "great with kids," the ones with clipped ears, and why anything bred to chase a lion probably shouldn't be on the Tube 💥 What if rioters had their own dogs? – the thought experiment nobody asked for. Riot dogs. Rioters with water cannons. And Riot Dogs as a three-piece band, complete with spray-painted logo 👟 The dog poo landmine – Vincent's boss spent an entire conversation with his foot pressed down on a fresh one, too frightened to lift it in case the smell gave him away 🎤 I Will Survive, Vic Reeves style – K nominates their dad for a club-singer rendition in an Irish bar in Spain that split the room clean in half and earned them free drinks all night 🦉 The owl-drawn carriage – one listener writes in from aboard his Mark II Luxor, powered by twelve owls, six a side, for stability during low-level flight
Mercenary. Shipwreck survivor. Pirate. Beheaded three men in single combat on the same afternoon. Enslaved and shipped to Constantinople as a gift. Killed his own master with a threshing bat and escaped on horseback across the Russian Steppes. All of that happened before he arrived at Jamestown, aged 27. In this episode, Johnny Vaughan and Gavin "The Woodman" Woods take on Captain John Smith, a man with a CV so absurd that historians spent centuries assuming he'd invented most of it, only for modern research to keep confirming he really was where he said he was. What You'll Hear in This Episode: ⚔️ The triple beheading – challenged to single combat by a bored Ottoman officer at the Siege of Alba Iulia, with the loser's head as the prize. Smith won. Then the man's friend stepped up. Then a third. He was knighted for it and granted a coat of arms showing three severed heads ⛓️ Sold into slavery – shipped to Constantinople as a gift for a Turkish noblewoman, sent on to her brother in Crimea to have his manners softened, and put to work threshing grain 🐎 The escape – one beating too many, so he killed his master, put on the dead man's clothes and rode across the Russian Steppes to freedom ⚖️ Nearly hanged on the way to America – accused of mutiny, clamped in irons, and marked for execution at the Canary Islands. The ship never stopped there. When the sealed orders were finally opened, he'd been named one of the colony's governors all along 🌽 "He that will not work shall not eat" – his brutal single year running Jamestown, during which colony deaths dropped sharply compared with the years either side 🐟 The stingray – speared one for food, got stung in the wrist, swelled so badly his men started digging his grave. He recovered by nightfall and ate the ray for dinner. The spot is still called Stingray Point 🗺️ He named New England – his Chesapeake map was so accurate settlers used it for 50 years, and the Mayflower expedition took his maps and books with them. They didn't take him. He was too expensive Plus: why he was never invited back, what happened to Jamestown the moment he left, and why Johnny and Gav put him straight in at number one on the Bloomin' Legendary Leaderboard. If you love adventure history, pirates, explorers, unbelievable true stories and larger-than-life characters, this episode of Bloomin' Legends is for you. Got a legend you want us to cover? 📩 Send it to: [email protected] 📲 Follow us on TikTok & Instagram: @BloominLegends 🎥 Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bloominlegends Listen to all episodes on Global Player, download the app, or visit www.globalplayer.com Bloomin' Legends is a Global production Produced by Ben Fairclough New episodes are released every Wednesday & Sunday. Subscribe to never miss an episode!