Show Notes
"He is going to remember that you showed up." WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT This episode is a practical guide for parents who want to talk to boys about puberty, bodies and growing up, but are not sure where to begin. We follow two families: Mark, a dad who got through his own puberty in silence and wants something different for his son Theo; and Priya, a single mum raising her son Jude, wondering whether she is the right person to have this conversation at all. Spoiler: she is. And so are you. We talk about male puberty, physical changes, erections, wet dreams, masturbation, emotions, shame, and why trusted adults matter so much. The aim is not to make these conversations awkward. It is to make them possible. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Introduction — the question parents ask most 02:00 Mark and Priya — part one 07:00 What is actually happening during male puberty 13:00 Five practical tips for parents 16:00 Mark and Priya — part two 20:00 The bigger picture 23:00 For dads, for mums, and how to start 24:30 Outro 📋 PUBERTY IN BOYS — WHAT TO EXPECT Male puberty typically begins between the ages of 9 and 14, and that wide range is normal. Starting earlier or later than friends does not mean anything is wrong. Common changes include growth of the testicles and scrotum, pubic hair, penis growth, underarm and facial hair, voice changes, height spurts, muscle development, oilier skin, spots, stronger body odour, erections, ejaculation and wet dreams. The timeline varies enormously. What matters most is that boys are told what to expect before it happens, so they do not feel frightened, ashamed or alone. 🔬 RESEARCH & CONCEPTS MENTIONED PSHE Association guidance highlights the importance of normalising the wide range of puberty timing, so boys understand there is no single correct age to begin developing. Dr Andrew Smiler’s work on adolescent male development explains that spontaneous erections are a normal, involuntary part of puberty and are not always connected to sexual arousal. Wet dreams, also called nocturnal emissions, usually begin between ages 11 and 15. A short, calm conversation beforehand can prevent unnecessary fear or shame. Debby Herbenick’s research highlights that shame around masturbation can be carried into adult relationships. Boys need to know self-stimulation is normal, private and not harmful. NSPCC safeguarding guidance reminds us that correct anatomical language matters. Words like penis, testicles, scrotum, erection and ejaculation reduce shame and help children seek help clearly if something is wrong. The Internet Watch Foundation and Sex Education Forum both highlight the risks when young people get information mainly from online spaces or pornography rather than trusted adults. Pornography is not sex education. Dr Sarah-Jayne Blakemore’s work on the adolescent brain helps explain why puberty can bring emotional intensity. Boys are not simply being difficult; their brains are under construction. 💡 FIVE TIPS — QUICK RECAP Use correct anatomical language every time. Lead with normalising: “This happens to boys around your age.” Mums, you are not disqualified from this conversation. Use the car or a walk, where eye contact is not required. Tell them what you wish someone had told you. 📚 FIND THE FULL RESOURCES All research links, further reading, book suggestions, puberty timelines and support resources are available inside our Listeners’ Lounge: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge USEFUL LINKS A Parent’s Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk A NOTE ON THE STORIES Mark and Priya are composite characters, built from the many parents who have asked some version of the same question: how do I talk to my son about this?
More from Resilient Kid: Therapy and tips for raising strong kids and teens
What if the child who's hardest to teach is telling you something important? In the last week before half-term, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello asks one question that changes how we respond to behaviour. She explores the iceberg beneath what we see, why "attention-seeking" is often connection-seeking, and what to do in the moment when you have no idea why a child is struggling. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: One question that changes everything: "What is this behaviour telling me?" The iceberg model, and why rewards and sanctions bounce off a flipped lid Joe and the book on the floor: attention-seeking or connection-seeking? Children do well if they can: behaviour as a lagging skill Before the storm: the relational bank account and early warning signs Try it tomorrow: the iceberg pause, and a four-step response for when you don't know why When you don't know why: four steps 1. Calm voice: slow it down, take a breath, drop your shoulders 2. Fewer demands: in the storm, ask less, not more 3. Stay close, but not too close: get down to their level, slightly to the side 4. Name what you see, without judgement: "Something feels really hard right now, and I'm here" Next week: Calm is contagious. Co-regulation, practical tools for breathing, movement and calm corners, and a half-term look at your own wellbeing. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/5i9tZ5jtiTI • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] "Children do well if they can" and lagging skills draw on the work of Dr Ross Greene. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why can a child manage their phonics on Tuesday but not on Monday morning? Following World Mental Health Day, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello takes educators inside the developing brain. She explains why a stressed child can't learn, what "flipping your lid" really means, and how a predictable routine can keep more children in their learning zone. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: Why the thinking brain is still under construction until the mid to late twenties The upstairs and downstairs brain, and why logic doesn't work mid-meltdown Fight, flight, and freeze, and a fourth response that hides in plain sight (fawning) The hand model: a simple way to explain flipping your lid to children The window of tolerance, and why every child's window is a different size Alfie and the bin: rethinking Monday mornings Try it tomorrow: teach the hand model, and build a Monday soft landing The hand model in four steps: 1. Thumb across the palm: the downstairs brain, your feelings and smoke alarm 2. Fingers folded over the top: the upstairs brain, your thinking brain, looking after your feelings 3. Fingers flip up: big feelings have flipped your lid 4. Fold them back down slowly: with breathing, movement, quiet, and a calm grown-up Next week: What behaviour is trying to tell us. The iceberg beneath the behaviour, and why "attention-seeking" may be the most misunderstood phrase in education. Find out more & Links: • Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The upstairs/downstairs brain, hand model, and window of tolerance draw on the work of Dr Daniel Siegel. The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Why are so many children arriving at school already in survival mode, and what can educators actually do about it? In the first episode of The Resilient Classroom, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello shares the story of the lion in the attic, looks at how childhood has changed, and introduces GROW: a simple, honest framework for turning mistakes into the place where resilience is built. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners. In this episode: The lion in the attic, and why so many children arrive in fight or flight What has changed: lost micro-moments of independence, the shrinking village, and the removal of everyday risk What resilience is (bouncing forward) and what it is not (toughness, the absence of struggle, or a fixed trait) Psychological safety: the foundation the book's ten components of resilience stand on Isla and the screwed-up page: GROW in action Try it tomorrow: GROW on the wall and "Let's GROW this" The GROW framework: G – Getting it wrong: the attempt is the point R – Reflecting: what happened, what did I notice, what did I feel? O – Owning it: responsibility without shame W – Working it out: what will I try next? Next week: The brain that walks into your classroom. Upstairs and downstairs brain, the hand model, and why Mondays can be the hardest day. Find out more & Links: • An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist • The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services • A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI • Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup • Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/ Follow us on Social Media: • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid • Email: [email protected] The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT In this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Final Episode Setup • 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework • 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review • 07:19 — Why Gradual Works • 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options • 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan • 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples • 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement • 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first. 2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit). 3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence. 4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving. 5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework • UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs • Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways • C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal • Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty • SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.
The Resilient Kid Podcast Season 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up "The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley Costello WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT Focusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy. ⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS • 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer • 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking • 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident • 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data • 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring • 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers • 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy • 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination • 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones • 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser 📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS 1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together. 2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later. 3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections. 4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations. 5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens. 📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES • Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%) • BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition • C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance • Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study • Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion • BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review • Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk 🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES • Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge • Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk • Newsletter: Join our newsletter • Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon • Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected] • Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.