Living in the Pause

Thom’s Nutshell: Emotional Sobriety is like riding a unicycle. Allen shares some special interactions he had with Father Richard Rohr, and Thom returns to the show to talk Emotional Sobriety with Patrick. Richard Rohr’s latest writing, about The Odyssey: https://cac.org/daily-meditations/the-odyssey-a-story-of-homegoing/

Thom’s Nutshell: Be realistic about rejection. Don’t take things personally! Staying in equanimity, being less reactive are some primary goals of emotional sobriety. We aren’t sick, we’re stuck. Allen uses the example of a loved one failing to show up for him at a critical moment to demonstrate how dependency works. We keep authorship of our experience in our own hands by differentiating. Can we keep our center of gravity over our own two feet, regardless of what happens? Joe C. asks in the second half of the episode: what are the exceptions, the challenges to “our” reality that can do us a service? We get into dating, breakups, and the idea of “controlled” drinking. Learn more about ICSAA, The International Conference of Secular AA, here (Phoenix event coming November 13-15): https://www.aasecular.org/icsaa-2026

Thom’s Nutshell: Serious condition: I’ll be okay as soon as that thing that happened to me didn’t happen to me. There’s a difference between blame and responsibility. Blame comes from “low differentiation,” or a low level of emotional maturity. It’s a sign of where we’re stuck in our development-fused with our environments. Taking responsibility, conversely, empowers us. It gives us more possibilities, brings in enthusiasm and zeal. We’re working towards self-support, where we act for ourselves without being selfish, and acting for others without losing ourselves.

Thom’s Nutshell: "Self-denial results in dependence. Self-acceptance creates independence." Waking up is a process, not an event. A road back to our true lost selves. Daniel Fulop-Furlano joins Allen to talk about his journey towards emotional sobriety, which began with the “Divided Sky” rehab retreat in Ludlow, Vermont. Dan’s book, “Sincerely, Delusional,” is a testament to both the sincerity of his delusion (which we also call “sleepwalking”), and the capacity, beginning with an earnest asking for help, that he’s built brick by brick as a person courageously exposing and addressing his deep set dependencies. Learn more about Dan and purchase his remarkable book: https://www.sincerelydelusional.com Learn more about Divided Sky: https://dividedsky.org

Thom’s Nutshell: "Are you solving the problems you want to solve, or the problems you think you are supposed to solve?" With emotional sobriety comes a commitment to being honest and authentic with each other and especially ourselves in order to live “congruently.” In line with our values, not oppositional to our natures. This necessitates becoming aware of the unreasonable expectations and unenforceable rules so we can disentangle from them. Acceptance of those is the key part of living and loving differently. This doesn’t mean “giving up.” Acceptance is seeing reality clearly enough to respond wisely. Owning our resistance, the paradox of change, is another important key we encounter.