Show Notes
If you’ve been feeling empty or lonely and are looking for immediate solutions, I hope today’s episode helps—and if you want to go deeper, you can order my new book, The Meaning of Your Life, out March 31. Today’s topic: the loneliness epidemic. We know more people than ever before, but do we actually know them? In a world of constant connection, many people still feel unseen, unknown, and disconnected from those around them. In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why loneliness has become so widespread and how it shows up in our relationships. I talk about the difference between being known and being understood, why feeling understood matters so much for happiness, and how modern habits and technologies can make it easier to stay in touch while avoiding real connection. Change means pushing back against our instincts and doing things that feel like the opposite of what we want. That can sound daunting, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. In this episode, I share four simple habits that, with practice, become easier and help lay the groundwork for more meaningful relationships. If you’ve been feeling lonely, this episode explores what happens when we stop waiting for that feeling to fix itself. — Brought to you by: • David Protein—The most effective portable protein on the planet http://www.davidprotein.com/arthur — Where to find Arthur Brooks: • Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/ • Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/ • Email: [email protected] — Timestamps: (00:00) Introduction (04:31) What Edgar Allan Poe’s life reveals about loneliness (07:39) The difference between being known and being understood (09:43) Why feeling known is essential for happiness (12:38) What fMRI studies reveal about being understood (15:33) Give what you want to get in relationships (17:01) Why being known by your spouse matters for happiness (18:30) Why loneliness is rising among young people and the role of technology (19:27) How loneliness becomes self-reinforcing (21:08) Strategy #1: The opposite signal strategy (24:15) Strategy #2: Proactively knowing others (27:28) Strategy #3: Asking more questions (30:33) Strategy #4: Putting your phone away (32:15) Why loneliness requires proactive effort (33:16) Q&A: Which times of day matter most for limiting screens? (34:47) Q&A: How can you let go of shame around anxiety? — Referenced: • The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.amazon.com/Meaning-Your-Life-Finding-Emptiness/dp/0593545427 • The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale • Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World: https://www.amazon.com/Together-Connection-Performance-Greater-Happiness/dp/0062913298 • “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46477/alone-56d2265f2667d • New Cigna Study Reveals Loneliness at Epidemic Levels in America: https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-cigna-study-reveals-loneliness-at-epidemic-levels-in-america-300639747.html • The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11575524 • ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours — Production and marketing by https://penname.co/.
More from Office Hours with Arthur Brooks
We all know how important sleep is for our health and happiness. So why do we resist going to bed, even when we know we should? In this episode of Office Hours, I explore the science of sleep and how it affects our well-being. I explain why we sometimes sacrifice sleep for a little extra time to ourselves, a phenomenon known as "revenge bedtime procrastination," and what it reveals about our need for control. I also share two ways to change your relationship with sleep, along with my own nightly routine. — Brought to you by: • Noble Mobile—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks. — Where to find Arthur Brooks: • Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/ • In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/ • Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/ • Email: [email protected] — Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (05:42) The sleep deprivation epidemic (08:27) How sleep affects your health and well-being (13:46) Four common barriers to sleep (15:58) Bedtime procrastination (19:22) Revenge bedtime procrastination (24:22) #1. Quell your inner tyrant (28:42) #2. Go from physical to metaphysical (36:14) My personal sleep routine (41:33) Q&A: Dealing with shifting ambition (42:34) Q&A: Why men struggle more with friendship than women — Referenced: • The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com • Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale • Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com • Huberman Lab: https://www.hubermanlab.com • About Sleep: https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about/index.html • Changes in Sleep Duration, Quality, and Medication Use Are Prospectively Associated With Health and Well-being: Analysis of the UK Household Longitudinal Study: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28364423 • The role of sleep in cognition and emotion: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19338508 • ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours
If you struggle with anxiety, you might wish you could get rid of it altogether. But your brain’s alarm system exists for a reason. The trouble is that the way we live today can set it off far more often than it should. In this episode of Office Hours, I break down what anxiety actually is and what chronic anxiety does to your body. The key is understanding when anxiety is hurting us and when it can help us. I share three simple but powerful strategies to manage your anxiety and create more opportunities for happiness, adventure, and meaning in your life. — Brought to you by: • Noble Mobile—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks. • Helix Sleep—A mattress designed for every body. Go to helixsleep.com/brooks for 27% off sitewide for their Labor Day Sale—an exclusive offer for listeners of Office Hours. — Where to find Arthur Brooks: • Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/ • In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/ • Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/ • Email: [email protected] — Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (07:36) What anxiety is (12:07) Why we need anxiety and when it becomes too much (16:00) Why anxiety is rising among young people (17:08) What devices do to your brain (23:05) Why trying to eliminate anxiety falls short (26:36) Some positives of anxiety (31:08) #1: Accept your anxiety (33:37) #2: Reframe your anxiety (36:01) #3: Lean into the source of your anxiety (41:29) Q&A: Struggling with addiction as a Poet PANAS type (44:57) Q&A: Modifying protocols for your health and lifestyle (47:08) Q&A: The value of daydreaming — Referenced: • The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-of-your-life • Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership • Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale • The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur • Marines on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81750378 • Søren Kierkegaard: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard • Surviving Anxiety: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/01/surviving_anxiety/355741 • Trends in anxiety among adults in the United States, 2008-2018: Rapid increases among young adults: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32905958 • ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours
Are painful memories keeping you from enjoying your life today? Maybe you avoid a particular place or person because of an experience you can’t seem to let go of. In this episode of Office Hours, I explore how memory works, why our recollections are less reliable than we think, and how the past shapes the future we imagine. As always, I share practical steps to help you find more happiness, meaning, and gratitude as you move forward. — Brought to you by: • Noble Mobile—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks. • Magic Mind—Magic Mind is a mental performance shot with vitamins and clinically-backed ingredients like Ashwagandha and Lion’s Mane for a sharper mind and sustained energy. Get 50% off your first order at magicmind.com. — Where to find Arthur Brooks: • Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/ • In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/ • Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/ • Email: [email protected] — Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (09:21) The science of human memory (19:09) Why memories are unreliable (23:09) Why memories shift (30:03) #1. To reconstruct your past: Keep a database of positive memories (34:22) #2. Focus on gratitude (35:50) #3. Look for meaning and learning (43:00) Q&A: Teaching lessons from The Meaning of Your Life to kids (43:58) Q&A: Handling uncertainty about AI replacing jobs — Referenced: • The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness:https://www.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-of-your-life • Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale • The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur • Self-Reliance: https://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/pds/triumphnationalism/cman/text8/selfreliance.pdf • Remembering the past to imagine the future: the prospective brain: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17700624 • Phantom flashbulbs: False recollections of hearing the news about Challenger: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-97049-001 • You Won’t Remember the Pandemic the Way You Think You Will: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/05/how-will-we-remember-covid-19-pandemic/618397 • Emotion and memory research: A grumpy overview: https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/soco.22.5.530.50767 • Memories affect mood: evidence from covert experimental assignment to positive, neutral, and negative memory recall: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16945317 • PANAS quiz: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/panas
What happens when the abilities that brought you professional success start to decline? In this episode of Office Hours, I explore how our strengths change with age and how to be happier as they do. Drawing on my book From Strength to Strength, I explain fluid and crystallized intelligence and contrast how Darwin and Bach responded to professional decline. As always, I leave you with practical steps to help you navigate this transition and find more happiness, meaning, and fulfillment as you age. — Brought to you by: • LMNT—A science-backed electrolyte drink mix that helps you feel and perform your best, without sugar, artificial ingredients, or gimmicks. Get a free sample pack at DrinkLMNT.com/Arthur • Helix Sleep—A mattress designed for every body. Go to helixsleep.com/brooks for 27% off sitewide for their Labor Day Sale—an exclusive offer for listeners of Office Hours. — Where to find Arthur Brooks: • Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/ • In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/ • Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/ • Email: [email protected] — Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (10:40) How happiness changes with age (15:09) Who is happiest after 70 (17:40) The inevitability of age-related decline in our abilities (21:49) Lessons on aging from the lives of Darwin and Bach (32:05) Why our abilities decline with age (39:01) #1. Jump to the new curve (40:51) #2. Serve other people (42:15) #3. Develop your life philosophy (43:40) #4. Connect more deeply with others (46:28) Q&A: Navigating relationships with adult children (47:51) Q&A: Finding meaningful ways to spend retirement (49:01) Q&A: How to handle “deal” friends — Referenced: • The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-of-your-life • Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter • The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale • The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur • From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life: https://www.amazon.com/Strength-Finding-Success-Happiness-Purpose/dp/059319148X • Your Professional Decline Is Coming (Much) Sooner Than You Think: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/07/work-peak-professional-decline/590650/ • Is happiness U-shaped everywhere? Age and subjective well-being in 145 countries: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7480662 • Creative productivity: A predictive and explanatory model of career trajectories and landmarks: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-02113-002 • Charles Darwin: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Darwin • Johann Sebastian Bach: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Sebastian_Bach • ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours
Simon Sinek is an optimist, bestselling author of Start with Why, and founder of The Optimism Company. In this special episode of Office Hours, part of the Be Hope podcast takeover during the United Nations General Assembly, Simon joins me to explore what optimism really requires. We discuss how optimism differs from hope, why relationships help us sustain a belief in a better future, how our expectations shape others, and why pessimism has become so powerful. We also explain how leaders can turn optimism into action through a clear vision, and how each of us can become more optimistic by creating space to imagine a better future and finding a vision worth pursuing. — Brought to you by: • Noble Mobile—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks. • Magic Mind—Magic Mind is a mental performance shot with vitamins and clinically-backed ingredients like Ashwagandha and Lion’s Mane for a sharper mind and sustained energy. Get 50% off your first order at magicmind.com. — Where to find Simon Sinek: • X: https://x.com/simonsinek • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/simonsinek • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/simonsinek • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/simonsinek • Podcast: https://simonsinek.com/podcast • Website: https://simonsinek.com