From Rumination and Defending to Right-Sizing: Recapping the Science & Tips to Build Humility for Mental Health & Wellbeing [272]
Joy Lab | strengthen your mental health with the science of joyShow Notes
Humility is one of the most quietly powerful practices for positive psychology and mental health. It's also one of the most misunderstood. Here's the heart of it: humility is not a weakness. It's not about making yourself small or performing modesty for social approval. It's an accurate, grounded sense of self, what Dr. Daryl Van Tongeren calls "right-sizing." You own your strengths and weaknesses. And you hold your worth steady through all of it. We explored four types of humility this month: relational, intellectual, cultural, and existential. And we worked through three core ingredients to build humility up: Know Yourself. This is where self-compassion becomes essential. Self-knowledge without self-compassion tends to slide into rumination — that harsh, looping self-focus that keeps us stuck. Dr. Kristin Neff's research reminds us that genuine self-reflection requires feeling safe enough to look clearly, without bracing for an attack. When self-compassion is in place, honest self-awareness becomes possible. So does recognizing things like the better-than-average effect, which is our tendency to unconsciously and inaccurately position ourselves as a little more right, and others a little more wrong. Humility gently corrects that drift. Check Yourself. This is ego territory. When we feel threatened, the ego rises up. We deflect, deny, shut down, intellectualize. It's a very human, very normal response. But it doesn't have to run the show. One of the most practical tools from this series: when you feel defensive, pause. Breathe. Then ask yourself, "What would I think if I weren't feeling defensive?" That question can create some space for the ego to stand down and lets emotional regulation take over instead of reactivity. Go Beyond Yourself. This is where the magic of humility really shows itself as we build a genuine curiosity about other people and life's bigger questions. The self-forgetfulness that C.S. Lewis describes as essential to humility puts it all into action. When we're not so consumed by ourselves, the world opens up. And that's where connection, meaning, and joy actually show up in more noticeable, lasting ways. If you've worked through this series and feel less certain than when you started, that's not a problem. That's the practice of humility in action. Sitting with uncertainty, tolerating what's unresolved, resisting the cultural pressure toward easy answers and performed confidence is peak courage. It's often uncomfortable and it's always worth it. If this work has stirred something that feels bigger than you want to carry alone, please reach out to a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support community. Seeking support isn't weakness. It's an act of humility and one of the most courageous things you can do. And for Joy Lab Program members: your Episode Experiment includes a guided meditation and journal prompts to help you harvest and integrate the work you've done this month. We close with Rilke (we know, we close with Rilke a lot!): "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves." Keep tending to your humility. It grows good things.
About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek. The podcast is best paired with the Joy Lab Program (get your 7-day free trial!). Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating (Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North and your donations are tax-deductible).
Sources and Notes for our Element of Humility: Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life. Start your 7-day free trial now. Episodes in this Humility series: Humility Can Be Stressful... But Worth it for Mental He
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Closure often feels like it should be the goal when we're dealing with grief or going through a tough time. But what if closure is actually a myth and the pressure to "get over it," "fix it," or emerge as a better version of ourselves is doing more harm than good? In this episode, we dig into the myth of closure: the mistaken belief that complex losses and life problems should be processed into some kind of clean, final resolution. We explore why closure is appealing but often not possible, what Carl Jung and Pauline Boss say about insoluble problems and ambiguous loss, and what it actually means to find healing and growth without closure.
It's great that us humans are storytellers... except when we tell rigid, oversimplified stories about who we are, what happened to us, and what's possible next. The solution is not to get rid of our stories as they can help us make sense of a complex world, build identity, and find some control in chaos. One strategy to loosen up on our stories is to do some editing to them. We can ask a story that might be holding us three questions: Is it true? (Memory is like a Wikipedia page, not a replayable video — constantly re-edited by mood, depression, and anxiety.) Is it helpful? (We're terrible predictors of our future selves and tend to overestimate how much one event defines us.) Is it kind? (Unkind stories activate the stress response and can shut down possibility; self-compassion is the condition that makes change possible.) In this episode, we'll dig into how we can identify our stories, ask some questions of them, and make some honest edits so our stories can become tools for growth and possibility.
Intrusive thoughts, rumination, worrying... these are nearly universal experiences and the most important thing, particularly when it comes to intrusive thoughts, is that the content doesn't matter as much as what you do with them. Whether it's a shocking thought that pops up out of nowhere or that rumination that woke you up at 3 am and then kept you up last night, the problem isn't necessarily the thought itself. It really has to do with how we grip onto those thoughts. The harder you try to suppress an unwanted thought, the more it comes back. That's the pink elephant paradox that Aimee talks about in this episode... did you try it? How'd you do?! Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to not think of pink elephants when you don't want to. That's the ironic process theory in action, and it's why trying to stop thoughts from coming or trying to shove them away rarely works. What does work is something far more subtle: noticing the thought, naming it as just a thought (not a fact, not a prediction, not a reflection of your character), and letting your attention move on. Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.
We define "Letting Go" as the skill of loosening your grip on the thoughts and behaviors that keep you anchored to the past, resisting the present, or anxious about the future. And the goal isn't just to be more present, but to be less burdened and exhausted by the endless effort to edit what happened, control what's happening, and predict what's coming next. When you stop pouring energy into all of that, you get that energy back. We also describe letting go surrendering to what is or allowing things to be as they actually are. Importantly, letting go is not avoidance, withdrawal, or slamming the door and suppressing emotion. Letting go is closer to what psychologists call psychological flexibility and non-attachment, which means you engage fully with your experiences and feelings without being controlled by the outcomes. You still feel; you just choose what to do with the feeling instead of being driven by it. The big takeaway is that, again, this is a skill. It doesn't matter how terrible you think you are at letting go, it simply takes practice. In our episodes and experiments for this Element of "letting go," we'll cover four areas where the grip tends to be tightest: unhelpful thoughts and rumination, the bigger stories we tell ourselves, the myth that we need closure to move on, and maybe the hardest of all... letting go of control. Tune in for each episode to help you build your skill of letting go and recapture some energy and freedom.
If you've listened to a wellness or health podcast lately, you've probably heard loads of advertisements. We've decided that ads are not a good fit for Joy Lab because they can steal your focus from the important wellbeing-boosting work you do here. Of course, refusing to put ads in the podcast means we need support in other ways. Here are some ways you can join in our nonprofit mission, help keep Joy Lab going, and spread more resilience across our communities: Subscribe to Joy Lab Experiments. These are the hands-on resilience practices that pair with each episode. You can subscribe in Apple podcasts for $4.99/month with a free one-week trial. Spotify and other platforms are coming soon! Stay tuned for updates to Joy Lab+ (formerly the Joy Lab Program). You can receive Joy Lab+ with a monthly donation to our nonprofit. You'll get Experiments plus lots of other perks. We'll have this ready soon, but be sure to sign up for the newsletter at JoyLab.coach so you're in the loop. We'll soon launch our growth and mission partnerships. These are for organizations, companies, foundations, or individuals who want to make a bigger impact on mental health access. These will launch in the next few weeks and we only have 24 spots available! Head to JoyLab.coach or reach out through the website to learn more. Most of all, thanks for being part of this resilience-boosting community. Your participation matters. It matters to your own mental health and it spreads out to others. Stay with us for our new Element of Letting Go, where we'll focus on releasing unhelpful thoughts, limiting stories, the "need" for closure, and control. About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.