Show Notes
When someone you love gets a cancer diagnosis, you want to say the right thing — but often, what comes out does the opposite. In this very personal episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner steps away from the research for a moment to talk about her own recent diagnosis of breast cancer, and the wildly inappropriate (but often well‑intentioned) things people say in response. She shares the five big “please don’t”s she keeps hearing — plus what actually helps when someone is living through cancer or another serious chronic illness. This isn’t about shaming anyone. Leah talks about the times she’s said these exact things to friends, why they come from fear and grief, and how we can all do better at holding space, dumping love in instead of out, and making it easier (not harder) for the person at the center of the storm. Chapters: 00:00 Why this episode is different — Leah’s breast cancer diagnosis 02:28 Don’t tell me about someone else’s cancer story (especially the worst‑case ones) 04:36 Why other people’s stories shift the spotlight away from the person who’s sick 05:30 Don’t ask “what stage is it?” or quiz my screening history 06:59 The hidden message in “when was your last mammogram?” 09:22 When my diagnosis triggers your own fear: sharing your medical history 11:25 “I have a good feeling, you’ll be fine” — why that shuts down real feelings 13:46 Questioning medical advice when you’re not the oncologist 16:03 What actually helps: holding space, listening, asking what’s needed 18:14 Learning to slow down, receive care, and feel the collective love What to say instead (Leah’s script you can steal):
“This sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” “What do you need right now?” “How can I help?” “You don’t have to respond, but I’m thinking of you and I love you.” “I can call anytime — you don’t have to pick up.” Resources Mentioned: 📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More 🧠 More on the mental load and chronic illness in other MissPerceived episodes Stay Connected with Leah: Instagram: @prof.leahruppanner TikTok: @prof.leahruppanner Email: [email protected] Website: https://www.leahruppanner.com Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
More from MissPerceived
The costumes. The candy. The decorations. The group chats about who’s trick-or-treating with whom. Halloween is supposed to be fun—so why does making the magic feel like another full-time job? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks the invisible work behind Halloween—and why so much of it falls to moms. From planning costumes and keeping children safe to navigating friendship drama and the rising expectations of “boo baskets,” Leah explores how one night of fun can become weeks of organizing, worrying, and doing more She also discusses the extra planning involved when children have sensory sensitivities, are neurodivergent, or live with a disability—and the work parents do to make a holiday feel welcoming when it wasn’t designed with their child’s needs in mind Plus, a story about a painstakingly handmade mermaid costume raises an important question: Are we creating the memories our children actually want—or exhausting ourselves trying to deliver the ones we think they need? Whether you love Halloween or wish you could switch off the porch light and skip it, this episode offers permission to take shortcuts, share the work, and let go of the extras that don’t bring your family joy. In this episode The hidden work of making Halloween magical. How social media and new traditions keep raising the bar. The emotional work of friendships, inclusion, and being left out. Safety concerns, sensory needs, and planning for different experiences. How to decide what to keep, delegate, or drop this holiday season. Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
You ask for help, but nothing happens. Eventually, you stop asking. Or you make a decision “for the family”—only to realize your needs are the ones that keep coming last. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks three forms of power in relationships: the obvious power of saying no, the quieter power that stops you from asking, and the invisible power hidden inside decisions that seem fair. Drawing on sociological research and her own work on marital dynamics, Leah explores how everyday negotiations over housework, careers, and family responsibilities can leave one partner doing more while the other gets more say. From the “nag paradox” to the thinking work behind supposedly shared decisions, this episode asks: Are you making choices for both of you—or consistently putting one person first? Leah also explores how partners trade support over time, when those trade-offs become unequal, and how to start making room for your own goals, rest, and ambitions. In this episode Why ignoring a request can be an exercise of power. What happens when you stop asking because you already expect a no. How “we decided” can hide one person doing all the planning. Why decisions made “for us” don’t always benefit both partners. Recognizing when to push back and ask for what you need. #MissPerceived #Relationships #RelationshipDynamics #InvisibleLabor #ProfLeahRuppanner Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Does it actually matter for your relationship if your partner carries more of the emotional load? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner breaks down a new study from the University of Southampton that goes beyond who does the dishes and digs into something more surprising: the link between emotional labor, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. Leah explains the key distinction this research reveals — men doing more housework and emotional/family-management tasks boosts women's overall relationship satisfaction, but it's specifically emotional labor toward the partner (knowing when you're upset, taking care of you when you're sick, understanding your emotional needs) that predicts sexual satisfaction. She also unpacks a fascinating gender split in the data: women report the most satisfaction when things are split equally, while men report the most satisfaction the more their partner takes on — a mismatch that can quietly fuel resentment and burnout in relationships. Drawing on her book Drained, Leah connects this to a bigger pattern: men often see offloading domestic labor as an investment in the family's future, while women often feel guilty taking on less, because they've been taught that 100% of their energy should go to their families. If you want to understand why your relationship might be hitting friction points around who does what, this episode breaks down exactly what the research says — and what to actually talk about with your partner. Chapters: 00:00 Introduction — recording from Australia and new research on relationships 02:26 What is the mental load? A quick refresher 04:39 How researchers measured emotional labor, relationship nurturing, family management 06:57 The key finding: emotional labor to the partner predicts sexual satisfaction 09:12 Why women want equality, but men want investment — a gendered mismatch 11:38 How this mismatch creates relationship conflict and resentment 13:00 What happened during COVID when men carried more of the load 14:03 What to actually do: get strategic, not just "do more" Resources Mentioned: 📄 Research: Verena Klein, Rotem Kalisher, Esra Ascigil, and Tanja Oschatz (University of Southampton) 📄 Related research: Sabino Kornrich on housework division and sexual frequency 📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner 🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com) Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Nearly 1 in 4 adults have experienced a period of estrangement from a sibling — and it's more common (and more complicated) than most of us realize. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks a new study out of Ohio State University that dug into 39 in-depth interviews to understand why adult siblings go no contact. Leah breaks down the two major forces driving estrangement: parental behavior (favoritism, manipulation, and forcing siblings to "pick sides" after a parent-child conflict) and the sibling relationship itself (destabilizing conduct, safety threats, and childhood bonds that were never really built). She shares personal stories from friends navigating estrangement, explains the concept of family systems and triangulation, and connects all of it back to the mental load — the emotional scanning, relationship repair work, and guilt that estranged (or nearly estranged) families create. If you've ever felt like your family "doesn't understand your world," or you're carrying guilt about a sibling relationship that isn't what it's supposed to be, this episode offers real permission to step back, set boundaries, and stop measuring your worth by an outdated obligation to stay close no matter what. Chapters: 00:00 Introduction — sibling estrangement is more common than you think 02:54 The data: nearly 1 in 4 adults have been estranged from a sibling 05:18 Family systems theory and triangulation 07:36 Parental partisanship: favoritism and the "scapegoat" child 09:59 When sibling relationships become collateral damage in parent conflict 12:21 Why some generations never learned to resolve conflict 14:38 Destabilizing conduct, risk containment, and sibling violence 18:15 Absent foundations: when childhood bonds were never built 20:39 How family estrangement fuels your mental load 21:30 Permission to put people on the "periphery" without guilt 23:01 Setting boundaries doesn't make you a bad person Resources Mentioned: 📄 Research: Rin Resnick, Kane Taurus Beltran, and Candace Cretchfield (Ohio State University) on adult sibling estrangement 📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner 🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com) Stay Connected with Leah: Instagram: @prof.leahruppanner Instagram: @lightenlab TikTok: @prof.leahruppanner Website: https://www.leahruppanner.com Don't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcast About MissPerceived: MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.
Is optimizing every minute of your day actually making your life better — or just burning you out faster? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner makes the case that optimization culture, especially prevalent in the US, is quietly destroying our ability to rest, create, and simply live. Leah traces how we came to treat time itself as a resource to be maximized — a relatively recent social conditioning that emerged with industrialization — and explains why getting time back (from grocery delivery, AI, or any efficiency hack) rarely translates into rest. Instead, we immediately reinvest that saved time into more productivity, repeating a pattern seen since the first industrial revolution: every gain in efficiency just raises the bar for what "enough" looks like. She connects this to her research on the mental load, sharing a striking story about a woman who drops the activities that bring her joy in order to make more room for stressful, "productive" problem-solving — and asks why we've been trained to treat rest as wasteful. Leah also explores what Gen Z's resistance to hustle culture might mean for the future of work, and why AI and automation may only intensify the pressure to optimize rather than relieve it. Chapters: 00:00 Introduction — is optimization good? 01:00 Why optimization pressure feels different in the US vs. Australia 02:20 How eroded social safety nets fuel the need to "game the system" 04:41 Getting time back doesn't mean getting rest back 06:00 A brief history: how time became a resource to optimize 07:00 The fourth industrial revolution: AI, automation, and rising standards 09:23 A woman's insight: dropping joy to make room for "productive" stress 11:48 Why younger generations are rejecting hustle culture 13:00 What happens when optimization stops being efficient at all 14:14 How to reclaim mental space instead of constantly optimizing Resources Mentioned: 📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner 🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com) 📄 Bill Gates' annual letter on AI and the future of work Stay Connected with Leah: Instagram: @prof.leahruppanner Instagram: @lightenlab TikTok: @prof.leahruppanner Website: https://www.leahruppanner.com Don't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcast About MissPerceived: MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.