Show Notes
We can avoid our feelings, refuse to talk about them, or convince ourselves they aren't affecting us. But that doesn't mean they've disappeared. Our feelings are still showing up in how we behave, how we respond to other people, and what happens between us in our relationships. Feelings also give us information. And when we don't take the time to understand what they're telling us, we can end up responding to the person in front of us for something that isn't entirely about them. In this episode, we explore: Why avoiding or denying our feelings doesn't stop them from affecting our relationships. How feelings can give us information about what's happening within us. Why being unable to sit with our own feelings can make it difficult to hold space for someone else's. How trying to fix, minimize, or move someone through a feeling can sometimes be about our own discomfort with what they're feeling. Why the person who triggers a feeling isn't always the person the feeling is actually about.
Episode Thoughts to Sit With “A person who cannot hold their own feelings cannot hold your feelings. And that is not a dig. That is not shaming anybody. That is the truth.”“Instead of him sitting with his own discomfort around that, he kept trying to fix my quote unquote problem. But I didn't have a problem. I had a feeling and I was willing to feel the feeling.”“Feelings are always giving us data. And when we refuse to look at the data, we can use what is coming at us and put it onto people around us when it really doesn't have anything to do with them.”“Just because somebody did something that initiates a feeling within us, doesn't mean they're the problem all the time. So we have to be able to process the data so that we can be more accurate with ourselves and we can engage relationally with those around us in a more accurate, caring and kind way.”If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I’m thinking about and exploring. https://ajarutledge.substack.com/ To get in touch about the show: [email protected] Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
More from The Reality Between Us
We all have blind spots, and sometimes the person we believe ourselves to be isn't the person we're actually demonstrating ourselves to be. We may genuinely believe we're showing up in certain ways without recognizing that our behavior tells a different story. That difference matters in relationships. When our understanding of ourselves doesn't align with how we actually behave, it can affect how others experience us and whether they can trust and depend on us. Becoming more aware of those inconsistencies gives us an opportunity to develop greater coherence between who we believe we are and how we show up. In this episode, we explore: How we can engage in unhealthy or manipulative behaviors without recognizing what we're doing. The difference between who we believe ourselves to be and how we actually show up in relationships. Why inconsistencies between our words and actions can affect how others experience and trust us. The aspirational self and how we can identify with qualities we haven't yet developed through our behavior. What it takes to become more internally coherent and consistent across our relationships.
Curiosity impacts the way we experience ourselves and the people we're in relationship with. But when we believe we already know someone, we can stop asking questions and start relating to the version of them we've created in our minds, rather than who they actually are today. The same can happen with ourselves. We accept our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors as simply who we are, without questioning where they came from or whether they still fit. Curiosity gives us an opportunity to question those assumptions and better understand ourselves and others. In this episode, we explore: Why curiosity matters in continuing to get to know people as they grow and change. The ways our assumptions about someone can prevent us from seeing who they actually are. What curiosity about our own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can reveal about ourselves. The gap between how we believe we show up in relationships and how others actually experience us. How asking questions during disagreements can create shared understanding, even when we don't agree.
How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us. In this episode, we explore: Why the relationship we have with ourselves matters in the relationships we have with other people. How little we may consider ourselves when making major relational decisions. What happens when we don’t recognize our own moods, reactions, and patterns. Why changing the person or environment doesn’t necessarily change a pattern we’re carrying with us. What it means to ask other people for things we may not know how to offer them or ourselves.
Self-trust isn’t something we develop once and never have to think about again. It’s an ongoing practice, and sometimes the places where we aren’t trusting ourselves aren’t immediately obvious. We can see what is happening clearly, know how something is affecting us, and still override what we know by searching for more information, more understanding, or another explanation. We can also practice self-trust in the smallest everyday moments by responding to what we know we need instead of continually ignoring or questioning ourselves. The more we practice responding to what we know, the more self-trust becomes something we actually move from rather than something we simply believe we have. In this episode, we explore: Why self-trust is something we continue to practice, even after we’ve worked to develop it. How a lack of self-trust can show up in ways we may not immediately recognize. Why seeking more understanding can sometimes become a way of overriding what we already know. How responding to small signals from ourselves can help us practice self-trust. Why trusting ourselves includes being willing to act on what we know, even when other people see things differently.
Shame can be shaping our lives without us even realizing it’s there. Unlike feelings we can easily recognize, shame can sit underneath our reactions, our beliefs about ourselves, and the way we interpret what is happening around us. It can turn a mistake into evidence that something is wrong with us. It can change what we hear when someone brings a problem to us. And it can influence our relationships, the things we allow ourselves to receive, and even the things we say we want. In this episode, we explore: Why shame can be difficult to recognize even when it is having a significant impact on our lives. How shame can become connected to other emotions and experiences. How shame can influence self-sabotage and the things we believe we deserve. Why shame can change how we hear and respond to other people in our relationships. How self-compassion and questioning our own perceptions can begin to interrupt shame.