High-Functioning Anxiety and the Hidden Cost of Numbing Pain: Ericka Graham on OCD, Scrupulosity, and What Addictions Really Cost Us
Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic with Jon SeidlShow Notes
“When I numbed anxiety and uncertainty, I also numbed beauty and joy.” That moment of clarity from Ericka Graham came after years of abusing prescription drugs, when God met her in a beautiful way involving a bumble bee and a flower. The point? Substances numb the bad, sure, but they also numb the good. But addiction isn't the whole of Ericka's story. From a young age, she also struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder—compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and scrupulosity, the form of OCD that focuses on faith and religious rituals. In this episode, Ericka shares how OCD and scrupulosity quietly trained her nervous system to look for relief through control. She explains how religious fear, perfectionism, and an all-or-nothing mindset made it difficult to tell the difference between faith and compulsion—and how those same patterns eventually showed up in disordered eating and prescription medication abuse. None of it looked alarming from the outside. She was high-functioning, responsible, and sincere. But internally, anxiety was running the show. Ericka also reflects on the night in an emergency room that her denial cracked, why recovery didn’t begin with willpower, and how learning to sit with uncertainty became a crucial part of healing from both addiction and OCD-driven control. This conversation is for anyone who lives with intrusive thoughts, spiritual anxiety, or the exhausting need to get it “right,” and for those who’ve learned to cope quietly rather than ask for help. Ericka’s story is a reminder that numbness is never selective—and that real healing often begins when we stop managing ourselves and allow God to meet us in our fear instead of our certainty. We explore: – How anxiety quietly fueled Ericka’s need for control – The early signs of compulsive behavior that were easy to overlook – Why high-functioning coping often delays honesty – How numbing anxiety also numbs joy, beauty, and connection – The progression from disordered eating to prescription drug abuse – Why denial can coexist with sincerity and faith – The moment that finally cracked her self-deception – The difference between willpower and surrender in recovery – How recovery reshaped her experience of God – Why feeling again was both terrifying and necessary Ericka's podcast: Curiously Follow Ericka: @mrserickagraham Follow me: @jonseidl Order my new book, Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic. Support the Show: https://www.jonseidl.com/ Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
More from Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic with Jon Seidl
What do dying people wish for near the end of their lives? Devon Comp knows. He's sat with countless numbers of them as a hospice chaplain. And there's one consistent request: they wish they were more present. More time with their kids. More time focusing on what matters. Another chance to tell someone what they meant to them. One woman even longed to hear the birds more. But no one has ever wished they drank more. They chased their addiction more. Money? Fleeting. Devon joins this episode of "Confessions" to talk about what people facing death can teach those still finding reasons to postpone change. This conversation follows a man who kept welcoming company as cancer took his ability to speak, grieving parents who needed more than a Bible verse, and a man whose drinking made more sense once someone learned what had happened to his wife. For host Jon Seidl, the conversation reaches into an uncomfortable part of recovery: facing how much life alcohol muted while he was using it to cope. And for those who profess hope in Jesus, Devon presses a further question: How much of that hope is actually reaching the way they live? Read Devon’s writing: Safe Haven Follow Devon: @devon_comp Read about his move into nursing: “A Change in Badge.” Explore the FREE Veritas Recovery Community to connect with people on a similar journey Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help at veritasrecovery.org Follow Jon: @jonseidl Order Jon's book: Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic Watch this episode ad-free at The Vertias Daily
Doug Johnson knew his drinking had gotten bad. There were bottles of whiskey disappearing over a weekend, around $1,000 a month going toward alcohol, Everclear mixed into sweet tea, and drinking at 10 in the morning. But he still wasn't ready to admit it was a problem. Then came "the look"—the moment his wife, Abby, looked at him and had seemingly lost all hope after making one request: don't get drunk. She needed to know their kids were going to be safe while she was gone. Despite his promise, he could see she felt she was rolling the dice. At last, he couldn't ignore it. And it started him on a path not to sobriety, but to Jesus in a new way. In this episode, Doug joins Jon Seidl to talk about the resentment, loneliness, and purposelessness that helped turn alcohol into what he calls “the cure”; how addiction affected his marriage to popular pro-life advocate Abby Johnson; his faith; why he believes getting sober became an act of sacrificial love; and what it took to rebuild trust. Five years after his last drink, Doug explains why freedom wasn't ultimately about replacing alcohol with something else, but rather fully surrendering at the feet of Jesus. Follow Doug on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dougontap Watch Unplanned Learn more about Abby Johnson's work: https://abortionworker.com Listen to the the episode with Ian Faulkner here Explore the FREE Veritas Recovery Community to connect with people on a similar journey Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help at veritasrecovery.org Follow Jon: @jonseidl Order Jon's book: Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic Watch this episode ad-free at The Vertias Daily
Charles Reed was drunk in the delivery room when his daughter was born. Afterward, he told his wife he was going for a walk—but he went straight to a liquor store. Becoming a father hadn’t made him stop. So what finally did—and what would following Jesus require afterward? For years, Charles could close a big deal at work while hiding how badly alcohol and drugs were running his life. He was wildly talented and successful, but he kept crossing lines he once swore he’d never cross. By the time his family could see the full picture, he was organizing his days around the next drink. Then Charles describes something he hadn’t been looking for: an encounter with Jesus that he says removed his desire to drink in an instant. That wasn't the end of his journey, but rather the start of it. After all, his wife had heard all the promises before. He had trust to rebuild, habits to confront, and a family that needed him to show up. In this episode of Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic, Charles joins Jon Seidl to talk about the fear beneath his addiction, the limits of “I would never do that,” and the daily work of recovery even after a miraculous moment. Follow Charles on Instagram: @hendrieehill Learn more about America's Keswick here Listen to the the episode with Arman and hear his story here Explore the FREE Veritas Recovery Community to connect with people on a similar journey Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help at veritasrecovery.org Follow Jon: @jonseidl Order Jon's book: Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic Watch this episode ad-free at The Vertias Daily
Emily White is an addiction counselor who once filled a CamelBak with alcohol to walk to class, collected a nine-month sobriety chip while secretly drinking, and was eventually kicked out of rehab. She knew recovery language—and enough Christianity to look the part—but she was still trying to become presentable before coming fully to Jesus. After more than a year in sober living, Em followed every instruction she had been given and still relapsed when a friend hurt her feelings. The program had given her tools, but it had not given her an unshakable anchor. At the end of herself, she walked into Watermark Community Church with drugs in her car and told a volunteer she needed a miracle. What followed was not instant transformation. Christians listened without panicking, let her arrive broken, and kept showing up while the Holy Spirit worked. Then a parking-lot question—"What would it mean to go two feet in?"—became an act of life-changing, full surrender. Em shares why recovery communities must make room for mess, how families can love without relying on a formula, and what it looks like to endure discomfort without escaping it. Seven and a half years into sobriety, she now helps others find the hope she once believed was impossible while serving as a licensed counselor at the Austin Stone. Learn more about re:gen here Em's counseling practice Follow Em on Instagram: @em_whitey Explore the FREE Veritas Recovery Community to connect with people on a similar journey Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help at veritasrecovery.org Follow Jon: @jonseidl Order Jon's book: Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic Watch this episode ad-free at The Vertias Daily
Karla Adkins was successful, active in church, and working in health care—and yet she was dying from alcohol-related liver failure. When Karla’s doctor called and asked if she was OK, Karla said she thought she was dying. Her doctor was honest: “I think you are too.” Yet even surviving liver failure wasn’t enough to make Karla stop drinking and find true freedom. Months later, she returned to drinking because she had never addressed the reasons she needed alcohol in the first place. In this episode, the author and sobriety coach joins host Jon Seidl to discuss alcohol addiction, anxiety, relapse, and the comparison trap that keeps people convinced their drinking isn’t bad enough to be a "real" problem. Karla also shares how she gave alcohol jobs, why shame kept her silent, and how science, compassionate support, radical vulnerability, and above all her faith in Jesus helped her pursue something deeper than sobriety. Get Karla's book: And She Came Tumbling Down: Breaking the Bonds of Alcohol and Creating a Life of Freedom Visit Karla's website Follow Karla on Instagram: @karlakadkins Explore the FREE Veritas Recovery Community to connect with people on a similar journey Get Gospel-centered addiction recovery resources and help at veritasrecovery.org Follow Jon: @jonseidl Order Jon's book: Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic Watch this episode ad-free at The Vertias Daily