Show Notes
Welcome back to Season2!!
Dr. Royster opens season two of Kids First Co-Parenting with a foundational lesson on coercive control, explaining why it’s often missed in the moment and why it matters so much during separation and co-parenting. She breaks down the patterns behind coercive control, how gaslighting causes people to doubt themselves, and the ways it can continue after divorce through parenting, finances, and access to kids. In this episode, Dr. Royster offers a clear, practical framework for recognizing coercive control in everyday life—especially for people who find themselves thinking, “Nothing that bad ever happened.” She also emphasizes that when a situation is unsafe or abusive, support and safety planning must come first. Key topics Coercive control is a pattern, not a single incident. It involves ongoing efforts to dominate someone and strip away their independence, confidence, and trust in their own reality. Why coercive control may not become clear until separation, divorce, or co-parenting begins. How gaslighting causes people to question their own memories, instincts, and perceptions. Financial control, including restricted access to money, constant scrutiny of spending, and using finances as punishment. Monitoring and surveillance through location tracking, phone checks, text-message scrutiny, and demands for explanations. Isolation and the gradual erosion of relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. Rewriting reality, shifting blame, and portraying the targeted person as unreasonable. Micro-rules and unpredictability that create the feeling of constantly walking on eggshells. Using children as messengers, spies, leverage, or an audience. How coercive control can continue after divorce through communication, schedules, expenses, and the children. Why naming coercive control is an important part of healing and protecting children. Where to seek help when coercive control overlaps with domestic violence or an unsafe situation.
Kids First is my membership community for moms navigating high conflict coparenting. Monthly workshops, real strategy, and a group of women who genuinely get it, because they're living it too. It's where you stop doing the hardest job of your life alone. Join us.
One thing before we get into it. I'm a psychologist, but I'm not your psychologist, and I'm definitely not your attorney. This show is education and support, not therapy or legal advice. So please take what's useful, and for anything about your actual case, talk to your own team.
AND If you are experiencing domestic violence or feel unsafe, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 (Support is free and confidential.)
More from Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Royster
Dr. Royster discusses the concept of DARVO, an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, which describes a common pattern in high conflict co-parenting situations. The discussion explores how this pattern manifests in communication, the psychological implications, and strategies for recognizing and responding to it effectively. Key takeaways: Understanding DARVO is crucial Recognizing patterns improves communication Chapters 00:00 Introduction to DARVO 02:55 Understanding the DARVO Response 05:59 The Dynamics of Deny and Attack 08:53 Reverse Victim and Offender Explained 11:55 The Impact of DARVO on Communication 14:48 Recognizing and Responding to DARVO 18:08 Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting Original research on DARVO is attributed to J. Freyd. Visit her webpage for extensive research, citations, and information on the topic: https://www.jjfreyd.com/darvo
In this episode, Dr. Royster talks with Dillan Koch, a Michigan-based mental health professional in private practice, about supporting teenagers and their families. They explore why teen behavior is often part of a larger family dynamic—and how that becomes especially important during divorce, family conflict, and major life transitions.Together, they discuss teen privacy in therapy, parental involvement, independence, and how to distinguish healthy challenges from genuine safety concerns. Dillan shares a family systems perspective on helping teens and parents build communication and resilience, with the goal of supporting families—not keeping clients in therapy indefinitely. Key topicsDillan’s work with teenagers and families in her Michigan private practice How parent-only intake sessions can help therapists understand family concerns Setting clear confidentiality boundaries and maintaining trust with teens Why a teenager’s struggles may reflect pressures across the whole family system How adolescence can bring change and stress for parents as well as teens The balance between emotional safety, appropriate challenges, and building resilience How overparenting can unintentionally make it harder for kids to develop independence Approaching phone use, school responsibilities, and alcohol through early, ongoing conversations Parentification and the risk of teens becoming a parent’s confidant during divorce Keeping children out of adult relationship conflicts and co-parenting disputes Responding to school or visitation resistance with curiosity rather than assumptions Supporting teens through separation, grief, and changing family relationships 00:00 — Introducing Dillan Koch and the Midwest connection01:17 — Dillan’s private practice and family systems approach 02:17 — Working with teens and their families 05:04 — Setting confidentiality expectations with parents 06:17 — Protecting trust when parents want information 08:40 — Why teens can’t be treated as the only source of family problems 10:48 — Teen development, family stress, and changing roles 14:53 — Are teens changing, or are parenting dynamics changing? 16:17 — Overparenting, helplessness, and resilience 17:13 — The balance between safety and friction 18:38 — Grades, assignments, and helping teens build responsibility 23:23 — Phones, alcohol, and setting boundaries before a crisis 27:45 — Divorce, parentification, and teens becoming confidants 31:43 — Why adult relationship conflict is hard for teens to understand 33:30 — Family roles, perfectionism, and the quieter child 36:32 — Validating teens’ experiences during divorce or separation 38:54 — Understanding teen autonomy and resistance 41:27 — When teens recognize unhealthy or unsafe family dynamics 43:36 — Staying grounded amid co-parenting conflict 45:20 — Communicating with a child’s future perspective in mind 48:04 — Grief through divorce, adolescence, and young adulthood 49:07 — Dillan’s podcast, Instagram, and community work Connect with Dillan for therapeutic & coaching services here. Follow Dillan on Instagram Listen to The Check in with Dillan I am a psychologist, but I am not your psychologist. This is education and support, not therapy or legal advice. For anything about your actual family, talk with your own provider.
The podcast episode explores the experience of high-achieving women in coercive control relationships, debunking the myth that only certain types of people experience abuse. It delves into the impact of status inconsistency, psychological manipulation, and financial control on these women, highlighting the challenges they face in seeking help and the implications for their professional lives and co-parenting dynamics.
Twenty-six episodes. Thousands of listeners. Moms sharing this podcast with their sisters, their friends, the woman down the street who just got served papers. Season 1 of this podcast has been one of the most meaningful things I have built and I built it for YOU. For the mom who is exhausted and scared and doing this mostly alone. For the mom who just needed someone to tell her she was not crazy.
If you have a custody evaluation coming up or you've just been told one has been ordered this episode is a must listen.