Show Notes
The spouse who wants sex more often tends to believe that all of the effort, the helping, the compliments, the constant attentiveness, is love. Usually it isn't. In this episode I talk about the difference between wanting someone to love you and actually loving them, and why those two things feel identical from the inside. We look at what a transaction can and cannot buy in a marriage, the anxiety underneath all that pursuit, and what love actually looks like on an ordinary day. There is something here for the spouse who has been doing the pursuing and for the one who has been on the receiving end of it.
More from Sex for Saints
Most of us were handed the same story about men and sex, that it is mostly about physical release and not much else. When researchers stopped assuming and actually asked men what drives their desire, the answers came back looking very different from the stereotype. In this episode I walk through what that research found, why so many men have never said any of it out loud, and what it costs a marriage when a wife decides she is interchangeable. I also spend time on the part that gets lost in this conversation, that wanting your body and wanting you are not the same thing, and that the physical was never the problem. If you have ever assumed you already knew why your husband reaches for you, this one is for you. Here is the interest form for a potential Men's Group Coaching Membership with Amanda: https://airtable.com/appAch4uB19x84ZKZ/paggqDY8FxrLKaFgM/form
Most of us keep score in our marriages without ever calling it that. We track who got up with the baby, who apologized first, how many times we reached over and got turned down. It starts as a way to get something to change, and it ends up making sure nothing does. In this episode I talk about what scorekeeping actually is, what it looks like around the house and in the bedroom, and why your count is almost always wrong. We look at the research on why you cannot see most of what your spouse contributes, how confirmation bias keeps a wrong count feeling accurate, the two places resentment comes from, and the over functioning and under functioning pattern sitting underneath a lot of this. Then we talk about what it takes to move a marriage back from transactional to an equal partnership.
The men in my comments say the same thing over and over. She was one way before the wedding and another way after, and they feel like they were sold something that never got delivered. Women tell me the same thing from the other direction. He wanted to know everything about her before marriage, and now the only time he comes looking for her is when he wants sex. Both of them believe they got the bait and switch, and both of them are partly right. In this episode we look at what actually changed, which is not the people and not the facts, but the meanings underneath them. The way out is not deciding who lied. It is getting curious about what all of this means to the person you married. Get the worksheet at: www.amandalouder.com/podcast/441/
Somewhere along the way, a lot of married couples stop really kissing. It turns into a quick peck at the door, or it only shows up as the first step toward sex. And the spouse who misses it usually decides that means something about whether they are still wanted, which is almost never what is actually going on. In this episode I get into why kissing disappears from a marriage, what the research says about how men and women experience it differently, and what it takes to get it back. I also say the thing nobody wants me to say about why your spouse might be keeping it short. Here is the worksheet for this episode.
Most couples who come to me have already tried. They have read the books, taken the courses, sat with a therapist, and walked out with a plan they both believed in. And it worked, for a few weeks, maybe a few months, before everything slid back to exactly where it was. In this episode I use an iceberg model I heard Brene Brown describe to explain why that keeps happening. The problem you can see is only the tip. Through the story of one couple who made the same plan five separate times, I walk down all four layers and show why the changes you make never last, and what actually has to shift for them to hold. The Iceberg Under Your Marriage Graphic