Ep 4: Preparing to get an Adult Autism Evaluation (3 of 3) - Tuning In, Not Out

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 2 * Episode number: 15 * Release date: 2026-10-22 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:30:09 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary [AI generated, human edited]: Building on Part 1 on the mental and biophysical health behind autistic meltdowns and shutdowns, this episode unpacks how shame shapes autistic identity, and what happens when it goes unaddressed in relationships. Shame is not a core emotion but a modifier that binds to core emotions (joy, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust), becoming “unhealthy” when it overwhelms the underlying emotion and drives survival reactions instead of reflection. For late-diagnosed autistic adults, identity often forms around distorted external mirrors of caregivers’, teachers’, and peers’ reactions to who they are and how their neurodivergent behavior is a moral failure, until a diagnosis offers a corrective lens. In relationships, unaddressed shame operates like a constant poop-throwing contest: everyone goes into survival mode, power dynamics entrench, and connection becomes impossible. The antidote to shame is empathy, not direct confrontation, and creating enough space to ask: whose shame is this, and where did it really come from? Key takeaways about shame and how it shapes identity and relationships: * Shame is not a core emotion, rather it is a modifier that binds to core emotions (joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust). It becomes destructive when it overwhelms the underlying feeling and drives survival reactions instead of reflection. * For late-diagnosed autistic adults, identity is often built around distorted external mirrors that read neurodivergent behavior as bad character; a diagnosis can be the first tool that makes it possible to question that story. * Direct contact with shame causes shutdown in anyone - neurodivergent and neurotypical; the clinical antidote is empathy that creates space from the shame, followed by the deeper work of tracing whether it’s intergenerational, emotion-bound, or never yours to begin with. [This section is AI-generated, human edited]. Resources and references Lewis and Stevens (2023) conducted interviews with 32 autistic adults with reasonable differentiation in identity, however - notably white (as opposed to people of color) - and found that autistic meltdowns and shutdowns may outwardly involve: * Feeling overwhelmed by informational, sensory, social, or emotional stressors; * Experiencing extreme emotions, such as anger, sadness, and fear; * Losing logic, including challenges with thinking and memory; * Grasping for self-control, in which participants felt out of touch with themselves; * Finding a release for emotions, often described as an “explosion” of external behaviors or self-harm; and * Minimizing social, emotional, or physical harm by avoiding triggers or self-isolating when possible. Participants shared examples of internal meltdowns, in which external characteristics of meltdowns were camouflaged. Participants also suggested that meltdowns may serve a functional role in regulating emotions and making one’s voice heard (Lewis and Stevens 2023) What is shame? * As a social construct: understanding of shame has been limited to individual differences in disposition prevailing or predominant tendency of one’s spirits; new research suggests that this basic understanding has limited interventions for management and repair of shame, especially in the context of shameful identities. * As an emotion: shame is a modifier of basic emotions: happy, sad,

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 3 * Episode number: 14 * Release date: 2026-10-08 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:28:39 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary [AI generated, human edited]: Autistic meltdowns and shutdowns are neurological events — not behavioral choices — driven by sensory and emotional overload that bypasses the prefrontal cortex and triggers the amygdala's survival response. Shutdowns exist on a spectrum from dramatic collapse to chronic partial withdrawal, often accompanied by dissociation in the forms of depersonalization, absorption, and amnesia. Shame-based culture targets the last 10% of a meltdown — the visible explosion — while ignoring the 90% of cumulative sensory and emotional load that built it, making shame not only cruel but clinically ineffective. Healthy shame signals a need for reflection and repair; unhealthy shame condemns a person's natural state of being. Effective interventions combine coaching (demand audits, capacity tracking) with therapy (empathy-first, somatic awareness, self-compassion) to address the full buildup — not just the moment it overflows. Key takeaways about the biophysical and mental health of autistic meltdowns and shutdowns: * Autistic meltdowns are amygdala-driven neurological events, not behavioral choices — the “lid flip” happens at the last 10% of capacity after 90% of sensory and emotional load has already accumulated. * Shutdowns exist on a wide spectrum, from chronic partial dissociation (depersonalization, absorption, amnesia) to full collapse that can look like a major depressive episode. * Shame-based interventions fail because they target the moment of overflow rather than the buildup — effective support combines empathy-first therapy with practical coaching tools like demand audits and capacity tracking. [This section is AI-generated, human edited]. Resources and references Dr. Megan Anna Neff has an article describing dissociation: Dissociation falls into three categories depersonalization/derealization, absorption, and amnesia. While ABA, which centers pathologizing neurodivergence as something to be fixed and can result in traumatic experiences for neurodivergent patients, clearly delineates dissociation and autistic shutdown as a means of diagnosis and assignment of accurate intervention, autistic-led resources have considered dissociation a precursor to autistic shutdown. The research on the overlap between dissociation and autistic shut down as it relates to the neurodivergent perspective is just beginning. The Autism Doctor offers recommendations for reducing meltdowns and shutdowns. Supporting the psychological understanding of how to reduce meltdowns and shutdowns neurodivergent coach Neuro-Love-Notes ues a demand audit: external, internal, sensory and invisible, while others recommend load assessments: Cognitive - working memory, Mental - effort to complete a task, Sensory, Emotional, Social, Relational, and Physical. This is a free video on the Lyon-Rubin method for healing shame, for which they have a book on turning shame into an ally. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen.

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 2 * Episode number: 13 * Release date: 2026-09-24 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:29:47 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary [AI generated, human edited]: Grief after a late autism diagnosis is not linear, and it doesn't end — it resurfaces in parking lots, in jersey logos, in long-term disability claim forms. In this unplanned but urgent episode, Natasha Stavros and Sarah Liebman set aside the meltdown series to sit with the word neither of them expected to land so hard: betrayal. They map three distinct layers — the existential betrayal of a lifetime framed as personal failure rather than neurobiological difference; the workplace and institutional betrayal of systems that demanded loyalty while offering none; and the safety net betrayal of disability and social support systems designed to be inaccessible precisely when you need them most. They close with practical and philosophical frameworks for working with grief — from cultural mourning rituals to the yogic concept of aparigraha — and a diary excerpt from After the Masquerade that is one of the series' most raw and quietly devastating pieces of writing yet. Key takeaways about grief and betray with a late diagnosis of autism: * Grief after late autism diagnosis is nonlinear and recurring: It doesn’t arrive once and resolve — it resurfaces under new contexts, which means the goal isn’t to complete it on a timeline but to recognize it when it comes and give it somewhere to go. * Betrayal has three layers: The existential betrayal of an identity built on false premises, the workplace and institutional betrayal of systems that punished rather than accommodated, and the safety net betrayal of disability systems designed to reject first and see who comes back. * Working with grief requires ritual, not resolution: Whether that’s sitting with a trusted person, marking an anniversary, taking a walk with rocks that represent each loss, or practicing aparigraha — non-attachment — the point is to feel it, acknowledge it, and let it flow through rather than forcing it to end. [This section is AI-generated, human edited]. Resources and references You can read more about the Kübler-Ross model using five stages to describe the process of experiencing grief. You can learn more about the aparigraha from yogic philisophy described in this episode. Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid to become a patron for this work. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 8 * Episode number: 12 * Release date: 2026-09-09 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:32:19 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary [AI generated, human edited]: When a neurodivergent parent discloses their autism or ADHD diagnosis to their child, the most important thing they're offering is not information — it's context. Silence doesn't protect children, it just leaves them to write their own story, often that they are the cause. Natasha Stavros, Sarah Liebman, and returning guest Tara Neri (LCMHC, UnmaskedParenting) explore how talking openly about diagnosis with your child builds connection, shared vocabulary, and a sense of belonging rooted in authenticity rather than sameness. They draw the critical distinction between authoritarian and authoritative parenting, between secrecy and privacy, and conscious, chosen masking versus shame-based survival masking most late-diagnosed adults have lived. The episode closes with a diary excerpt from After the Masquerade in which Natasha's daughter, post-Austria meltdown, says the words that break everything open: "It's just too much. I know I am being bad." Key takeaways about disclosing your diagnosis to your child: * Silence is not protection: If you don’t explain what your child is witnessing when you’re in burnout or shutdown, they will fill in the blank themselves — and the story children tell themselves is often that they are the cause. * Belonging is not sameness: Talking to your child about your diagnosis creates shared language, connection, and a sense of belonging grounded in authenticity, not in being like everyone else. * Conscious masking is not the same as survival masking: The goal of neurodivergent-affirming parenting is not to eliminate masking, but to raise children who know themselves well enough to choose when, where, and with whom they unmask. The mask only harms the masker when it disconnects from the self entirely. [This section is AI-generated, human edited]. Resources and references Our guest Tara Neri offers some great resources to dig deeper into many of these topics including: * Unmasked Parenting: Talking to children about parent burnout * Unmasked Parenting: The Nature of Nurture * Unmasked Parenting: What Do I Actually Say? * Unmasked Parenting: Before the World Defines Them Don’t Miss Out on Early Access Join our community of late-diagnosed adults learning to unmask. Subscribe to get the next episode of Following the Threads directly in your inbox. Upgrade to paid for early access to the book and other resources. Leave a review and share your own diagnostic journey to help others feel seen. Thanks for reading A Jester's Musings! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Show Notes Episode details * Season (Thread): 9 * Episode number: 11 * Release date: 2026-08-27 * Hosts: * Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026) * Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse * Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith * Director: Linda Highfield * Duration: 00:31:59 * Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study * Summary: Disclosing a late autism diagnosis to family is uniquely fraught because, unlike friends or a partner, you didn’t choose these people - and they carry their own unnamed neurodivergence whether they know it or not. Natasha Stavros and Sarah Liebman draw on Bowen Family Systems theory to explain why disclosure disrupts the family ego mass and triggers “revert-ego” - the disorienting pull back into old relational roles. They offer concrete tactics for surviving extended family exposure: identifying an ally, building in de-stimulation time, transporting regulation routines, and using gray rocking to stay “unhookable” without cutting anyone off. The episode closes with a diary excerpt from After the Masquerade in which Natasha, mid-family vacation and deep in autistic burnout, reaches the most liberating realization of the series: she doesn’t need to change their story - she only needs to change her own. Key takeaways about disclosing your late diagnosis to family: * Prepare the system instead of only preparing yourself. Disclosing to family affects the entire family system. Identify an ally, schedule time to de-stimulate, and establish portable regulation routines before you speak. The disclosure is only one component of a larger sensory and emotional experience. * Keep your statements short, factual, and non-negotiable. The most effective disclosures are brief scientific facts mentioned casually during a conversation. Do not use personal appeals, confessions, or invitations to debate. This approach prevents the family system from finding points to oppose. * You do not need them to believe you. The most significant change after disclosure is realizing that you only need to change your own narrative rather than theirs. Cutoff is a continuum instead of a binary choice. You can choose to stop responding to emotional baiting without removing people from your life completely. Resources and references In this article we reference the Bowen Family Systems Theory. You can learn more about this in this Psychology Today article. We also reference “gray rocking”, you can learn more in this YouTube video explanation by Dr. Ramani. Unfortunately, research on the dynamic of a grown adult getting a diagnosis and their relationship with their parents is quite sparse, and often representative of a very specific demographic. Please keep this in mind so that appropriate modifications of their findings can be made to understand the nuances of an individual’s unique identity. To make inferences or extrapolation beyond these demographics will require personalized understanding of each identity within the context of a larger more diverse ecosystem of experiences and perspectives. In this free, open access article from 2022 in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, Lilley et al. found that across 27 scientific interviews, conceptualizing the autistic family was one of three common themes. An important caveat to this finding is that it was only a sample size of 27 and that is not sufficient to cover the diversity of gradients of variation such as ethnic, national, first-generation, gender, etc. that exist. Similarly, in this free, open access article from 2023 in the Journal of AUtism and Developmental Disorders, Legg et al. interviewed eleven parents of late diagnosed adults and created a thematic map of the experiences.