472. One Relationship, Two Brains with Cindy Ariel

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and could not say who was looking back at you? Ceri Samvilian joins Michael for his final episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, recorded in the Vienna living room where the two of them met ten years ago. Ceri moved from Nairobi to Vienna at 27 and spent years playing what she calls the role of a good immigrant. Speak German properly, do not be too loud, stay in the box. She only saw the cost later, when she realized she had suppressed herself in order to be accepted. The turning point arrived as a question in the mirror on an ordinary morning. Who are you now? They also get into the Saturday afternoon that changed things for both of them. Ceri had prepared a seven-minute talk about dropping the mask, then watched her cue cards leave on the train without her. She cried in Michael's bathroom, rewrote the whole thing from memory, and gave the talk anyway. From there she gets practical about journaling as a standing habit rather than an emergency tool, and about the three stages she now takes clients through. Reignite, reconnect, redesign. Listen and Learn: Why moving countries changes who you are and not only where you live How the masks we wear to fit in start out as protection and end up as suppression What happens when accommodating everyone else finally runs out, and why Ceri's limit arrived with her second child Why the three questions Deepak Chopra raised in that Oprah interview are worth living with for a year instead of answering on the spot How journaling works better as a habit than as an emergency tool, and why writing an idea down protects it from other people's opinions What a mirror moment is, and how Ceri turned hers into the reignite, reconnect and redesign stages she uses with clients Why a stronger net of friends lets you dare more, and how a simple signal makes it easier to ask for help as an adult Resources: Website: www.cerisamvilian.com Ceri on Facebook Ceri on Instagram Ceri on LinkedIn Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic Ceri’s book "Journal and discover your authentic self" Mind brew - A psychology podcast with Dr. Janina Scarlet and Michael Herold

For her last episode without her co-hosts, Debbie wanted to choose a topic that matters to her personally: existentialism and the search for meaning. She invited her “dream team” panel of colleagues with an interest in existentialism from the ACT community: Robyn Walser, Jim Lucas, Jenna LeJeune, and Jennifer Gregg. Existentialism invites us to enhance our lives through exploration of life’s truths: we will die, we are free to make choices, and we must all create our own sense of meaning and purpose. Through grappling with the big questions of life, we can become more engaged, intentional, and present in the lives we have. In this episode, our panelists discuss existential ideas like freedom and responsibility, living with death awareness, transcendence, and why vitality includes the painful parts of life as well as the joyful ones. They discuss the pressure of a culture that pushes us to optimize everything, and they close with an invitation to join in the “grand exploration” of life. Listen and Learn: How existentialism grew out of a response to absurdity, and why it helps us question rules that don’t make sense. The balance between freedom and responsibility, and why owning your choices can be both scary and liberating. How awareness of the finite nature of life gives weight to our values. Why vitality means tasting the whole experience, including “the rotten part of the apple,” and not only the joyful part. Self-transcendence, and the importance of contributing to something greater than yourself. Why suffering can be seen as a teacher, instead of a problem to be solved. How meaning and hope differ, and why a meaningful life doesn’t depend on a better future. How to hold both the “I” and the interconnected “we” in values work. How cultural pressure to be productive can pull us away from what’s truly meaningful.

Listen and Learn: Why genes, like environments, tilt the playing field without determining the outcome, and what a cloned Texas bull named Second Chance (who gored his owners, unlike the sweet original) teaches us about genetic determinism Why "What if you'd had my childhood?" invites sympathy while "What if you'd had my genome?" feels like an identity threat, and how DNA has become our modern "essence placeholder" What the Lindsay Clancy and Andrea Yates cases reveal about the limits of our victim/perpetrator binary, and why our legal system and moral intuitions struggle when someone is both How punishment shows up across the natural world, from paper wasp queens who get deposed for eating too many of their sisters' eggs to fig trees that shrivel the fruit of lazy pollinators Why our retributive drive is deeply "baked into the evolutionary sauce," and why simply understanding the free will problem won't make it disappear Durkheim's argument that a society without crime would be neither possible nor desirable, and how deviance drives moral innovation Why accountability has become collapsed with punishment, in criminal justice and in modern parenting debates, and what a "third way" might look like How the Norwegian response to Anders Breivik reframes the question from "Does this person deserve punishment?" to "How do we treat someone who has done something terrible and is still one of us?" Why dehumanizing others degrades the punisher as well as the punished, and how service-based consequences might replace immiseration Resources: Kathryn Paige Harden's website: https://www.kpharden.com Original Sin by Kathryn Paige Harden Why Don't You Understand Me?: The Surprising Science Behind Connecting in a World of Missed Signals by Yael Schonbrun Form to get pre-order bonuses for Why Don't You Understand Me? Yael's favorite true crime podcasts: Beyond All Repair Love Trapped The Dropout Serial Dr. Death One of Us: The Story of a Massacre in Norway and Its Aftermath by Åsne Seierstad The View From Nowhere by Thomas Nagel "What Is It Like to Be a Bat?" by Thomas Nagel Outraged by Kurt Gray

What does it really mean to speak up—and what happens when telling the truth comes at a cost? In this special episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Jill Stoddard and Yael introduce Jill’s powerful new podcast, We the Sunlight, a show about the brave act of speaking up in a culture that too often rewards silence. Then, listeners get an exclusive preview of the first episode, featuring Jules Bindi, one of the first women to publicly share that she was sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein before the #MeToo movement began. Jules shares her story—from growing up surrounded by trauma and abuse to building a successful career as a massage therapist to Hollywood’s elite. She describes the grooming, manipulation, and sexual assaults she experienced at the hands of one of the most powerful men in the entertainment industry, as well as the complicated question that haunted her afterward: Why did she go back? Together, Jill and Jules explore the complex survival responses that can make victims blame themselves, including fawning, appeasing, and attempting to maintain safety in the face of overwhelming power. Jules also shares what finally helped her come forward, what she feared would happen if she spoke publicly, and why she ultimately decided that staying silent came at too high a cost. You’ll hear about shame, self-forgiveness, post-traumatic growth, and the complicated reality of speaking truth to power. Most importantly, Jules offers a powerful message to anyone considering whether to come forward—and to those who have already spoken up and are living with the consequences. Join us for this moving introduction to We the Sunlight and the story of one woman who discovered that courage doesn’t mean speaking without fear. Sometimes, it means deciding that something matters more than staying silent. Listen and Learn: The story behind Jill’s new podcast, We the Sunlight, and how her own experience speaking publicly about a family member who caused harm inspired her to create a show centered on truth-telling Why speaking up can be both deeply meaningful and incredibly costly—and how people weigh the potential consequences before deciding whether to come forward Jules Bindi’s journey from a childhood shaped by abuse and trauma to becoming a successful massage therapist with high-profile celebrity clients How Harvey Weinstein used power, praise, promises, and manipulation to groom Jules and exploit the enormous power imbalance between them Why survivors may continue contact with or return to someone who has harmed them—and how survival responses such as fawning and appeasing can complicate our understanding of trauma Why asking, “Why did they go back?” can fuel shame and self-blame when survivors are already struggling to understand their own responses How fear of retaliation, public scrutiny, victim-blaming, and professional consequences can make speaking out against a powerful person feel nearly impossible What ultimately motivated Jules to come forward publicly and later participate in the legal case against Weinstein How becoming a mother helped Jules reconsider what she would want her own daughter to do if she were ever harmed Why Jules says she experienced fewer negative consequences from speaking up than she expected—and how speaking publicly allowed her to put down some of the weight she had carried in silence The difference between taking responsibility for someone else’s harmful actions and finding meaning in the ways we choose to respond afterward How Jules has transformed her experiences into advocacy, supporting other survivors and teaching children about bodily autonomy and personal boundaries Why self-forgiveness can be one of the most difficult—and meaningful—parts of healing What to consider if you are wrestling with whether to speak up, including the question of what it may cost you to stay silent Jules’ message to those already living through the difficult aftermath of coming forward: celebrate your courage, care for yo

What if the biggest threat to kids’ mental health isn’t smartphones or social media—but the loss of freedom, play, and independence in childhood? In this episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Emily welcomes researcher Peter Gray, author of Restoring Childhood: How to Set Kids Free in the Age of Anxiety. Drawing on decades of research in developmental psychology, anthropology, education, and play, Peter challenges some of our most common assumptions about what children need to thrive. Peter explains why play isn’t simply recreation—it’s how children naturally learn independence, problem-solving, negotiation, courage, and the social skills they’ll need throughout their lives. He traces how adults have gradually “colonized” childhood, replacing independent play and exploration with increasingly adult-directed activities, supervision, and schoolwork. Emily and Peter also take on one of today’s biggest parenting debates: the role of smartphones and social media in the youth mental health crisis. Peter offers a provocative interpretation of the historical data, including why teen mental health actually improved during the early years of home computers, video games, and online communication—and why he believes increased school pressure deserves far more attention as a contributor to youth anxiety and depression. You’ll hear why children need opportunities to solve problems without adults swooping in, how risky play helps kids develop courage, why trust can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and what parents and schools can do to give children more ownership over their lives. Join Emily and Peter for a thought-provoking conversation about what we lose when we try too hard to protect and prepare our kids—and why restoring childhood may require adults to step back so kids can step forward. Listen and Learn: Why play is a biological drive across young mammals—and how it helps children practice the skills they need to become increasingly independent How self-directed play teaches children to negotiate, compromise, solve problems, consider other people’s needs, and navigate conflict without adults stepping in Why children’s freedom to play and explore independently has declined dramatically over the past several decades—and what Peter means by the disappearance of a distinct “culture of childhood” How children’s peer cultures once gave kids opportunities to create their own games, norms, language, and social worlds largely outside adult oversight The surprising mental health trends Peter identifies from 1950 onward, including rising distress during decades when children’s independence was declining Why Peter believes the arrival of home computers in the 1990s may actually have improved adolescent well-being by giving teens new opportunities for mastery, independence, play, and connection with peers How early computers created an unusual reversal in expertise, with teenagers often knowing more than their parents—and why that experience of competence may have mattered Why video games and other forms of pretend or risky play can give children opportunities to experience fear, vulnerability, challenge, and mastery in relatively safe environments Peter’s critique of the popular claim that smartphones and social media are the primary cause of today’s youth mental health crisis, and why he argues the broader research literature does not support such a simple causal story Why Peter sees increasing academic pressure and changes in American schooling as an overlooked contributor to rising anxiety, depression, and burnout among young people How schools could become more supportive of mental health by improving school climate, increasing student autonomy, restoring teacher flexibility, protecting recess, and reducing unnecessary academic pressure One simple question parents can ask children to begin expanding their independence: What would you like to be doing on your own that you aren’t doing now? Why shifting from “What am I afraid to let my child