Balanced, Not Equal: How Two Wives Share the Mental Load | Julia Markish & Krissa Lagos
The ManFlu | Exploring Gender Dynamics, Partnerships & Raising Boys Who CareShow Notes
Julia Markish sat at a dinner party while the women around her swapped stories about burnout and the mental load. She has a wife, so she couldn't relate. Still her first thought was a guilty one: Am I the man in this story?
Host Lucy McAfee talks with Julia, an executive coach, and her wife Krissa Lagos, a book editor, in the first couple's interview on The ManFlu. When Lucy asked if Krissa would've had her own complaint at that dinner party, the answer was no. They both have their roles, and balance was one of the seven touchstones they built their wedding ceremony and marriage around. Krissa cooks and Julia cleans. Julia schedules the checkups and Krissa keeps each day on track. When Krissa realized she kept landing in the kitchen prepping food while Julia got the fun part with their son, they talked about it and found a fairer way to divide the morning.
Gratitude in relationships runs through all of it. Julia and Krissa thank each other for small things and have learned to ask when the thanks doesn't come. They also talk about raising boys with room to feel, and how the trans men in their San Francisco community can show their son a different kind of masculinity.
Press play for a model of how same-sex couples divide household labor that any couple can borrow, plus one small shift you can try at home this week.
Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Welcome And Meeting Julia and Krissa 02:35 The Dinner Party Where Julia Couldn't Relate 05:49 The Breakfast Prep Fix That Restored Fairness 08:40 Building A Marriage Around Seven Touchstones 12:43 Why Being With A Woman Can Feel Easier 18:13 Raising The Flag When You Need Thanks 20:41 Raising Their Son In A Queer Community 28:46 How Their Careers Shape Life At Home 32:41 What Straight Couples Can Borrow From Them 38:01 The One Small Shift: Ask For The Thanks
Referenced on the Show: Episode 9: The Manosphere and our Boys: What It’s Teaching Them, What We Can Do Farideh, songs about parenting and motherhood
Connect with Julia Markish & Krissa Lagos: Visit the Embrace the Human website Visit Krissa’s website
Connect with Lucy McAfee: Follow Lucy on Instagram Connect with Lucy on LinkedIn Visit The ManFlu website
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
More from The ManFlu | Exploring Gender Dynamics, Partnerships & Raising Boys Who Care
This episode discusses sexual assault, consent, and allegations of sexual misconduct involving college students. The Cornell allegations remain the subject of ongoing legal proceedings.
It’s 7:43 AM, her boys still aren’t out the door, and our guest is sipping her coffee and saying nothing. Middle school parenting asks you to step back right when every instinct tells you to step in.
You ask for help. He nods along. Next week looks exactly the same. If you've wondered how to talk to your husband about the mental load without it ending in tears or silence, this conversation is a good place to start.
Long before mental load and maternal burnout were in our common vernacular, our guest this week had a moment that clearly illustrated them: rushing out the door for work, unable to find a glove, and deciding that if she couldn't find it, she was done.
The Manosphere doesn't need boys to go looking for it. Researchers who set up TikTok and YouTube accounts posing as teenage boys found it reached their feeds within 26 minutes, starting from nothing more than a fitness video or a gaming clip.