Men Who Fear Toys Have It Backwards PhD Sexologist Explains

What I Discussed With Dr Jess O’Reilly - Why sex toys can help couples adapt to changing bodies, arousal, and sexual needs as they get older. - How introducing a toy can create novelty and playfulness in a long-term relationship. - Why a sex toy is a tool for pleasure — not a replacement for intimacy or a partner. - How smaller, simpler toys can make introducing them into a relationship feel less intimidating. - Why toys can reduce performance pressure when erections, libido, or orgasm become less predictable. - How self-pleasure can help women understand what they like and communicate it more clearly. - Why desire doesn’t always come before arousal, particularly in long-term relationships and later life. - How shame and embarrassment can stop older adults from talking openly about sex. - Why conversations about sex don’t need to be perfect to be useful. - How the Yes/No/Maybe checklist can help couples explore sexual interests together.

Chapters 00:00 Introducing Dr Jess O’Reilly and the conversation about sex toys 01:30 Why sex toys can improve intimacy in long-term relationships 02:34 The importance of novelty as our bodies change with age 04:36 Why some men feel threatened by sex toys 06:20 How toys can reduce performance pressure 07:14 Choosing versatile, accessible toys for different bodies 08:38 How sex toys open up better conversations 09:03 Using toys when erections or sexual performance are unreliable 10:30 Why pleasure matters more than performance 10:51 Choosing toys for different sensations and mobility needs 11:59 Why simple controls can make toys easier to use 13:58 The best couples’ sex toys for beginners 15:21 How air-pulse pleasure feels different from vibration 16:08 Understanding the clitoris and changing sensations 19:45 Why desire can begin after arousal 21:17 Learning to trust your body and your capacity for pleasure 22:47 Why satisfying sex and communication need to come first 24:06 Shame, aging, and the pressure placed on older women 25:20 Why talking about sex can protect long-term relationships 27:59 How to start a conversation about sex toys with your partner 30:52 A simple way to introduce a new toy without pressure 33:45 The Yes/No/Maybe checklist for couples 35:05 Dr Jess introduces the Womanizer Enhance 36:10 Where to find more from Dr Jess and Suzanne

Show Notes I’ve always been fascinated by sex toys. I was first given one when I was a blogger in the early 2000s, and these days I have boxes of them perhaps more than I really need. But sex toys aren’t just about novelty or having a large collection. They can be genuinely useful as our bodies change, especially when arousal takes longer, sensitivity shifts, or erections and orgasms become less predictable. In this episode of Sex Advice for Seniors, I’m joined by Dr Jess O’Reilly, a globally recognised sexologist and relationship expert. Jess has a PhD in human sexuality and has delivered workshops in more than 45 countries. We talk about how couples can introduce sex toys without making either partner feel inadequate or threatened. We also discuss why starting with something simple can make all the difference, how toys can take the pressure off performance, and why pleasure should be viewed as a shared exploration rather than a test that someone has to pass. Jess and I also talk about the changing nature of desire. Sometimes we don’t feel spontaneously “in the mood”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean our desire has disappeared. With patience, touch, communication, and the right kind of stimulation, arousal can sometimes come first and desire can follow. We explore the role of masturbation, shame, sexual communication, and the importance of understanding what feels good in your own body before trying to explain it to someone else. And if you’re not sure how to bring up the subject of sex toys with your partner, we have a simple suggestion: blame us. Tell them you heard about a product or idea on this podcast and ask what they think.

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