
Community Question: “Why Didn’t They Just Leave?” — The Hidden Reality of Coercive Control
Dear Divorce Diary - With Daz & JopShow Notes
⚠️ Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions surrounding coercive control, family violence, emotional abuse, psychological harm, victim survival responses, and trauma-informed legal practice. Listener discretion is advised. In this deeply important follow-up episode of Dear Divorce Diary, family law barrister Darren Mort and family lawyer Joplin Higgins revisit one of the most confronting and misunderstood topics in family law: coercive control. Responding directly to a listener message sent via TikTok following their earlier episode on coercive and controlling behaviour, Darren and Joplin unpack one of the most common — and harmful — public questions surrounding family violence:
“Why didn’t they just leave?” This conversation explores the reality that coercive control is rarely obvious, rarely isolated, and almost never simple.
What This Episode CoversUnderstanding Coercive Control Beyond Physical ViolenceJoplin explains that coercive control is not one singular act — it is often a layered pattern of behaviours that can include:
Emotional abuse
Financial control
Isolation from support networks
Threats and intimidation
Manipulation
Monitoring and surveillance
Psychological degradation
Fear-based dependency
The discussion highlights how difficult coercive control can be to identify, particularly because many victim survivors may not initially recognise the behaviour as abuse themselves.
The Importance of Asking the Right QuestionsA major focus of this episode is how lawyers, professionals, friends, and support people can better respond to victim survivors. Joplin discusses:
Trauma-informed communication
The importance of indirect and follow-up questioning
Avoiding re-traumatisation
Creating emotional safety during disclosure
Taking detailed notes so victims don’t have to repeatedly relive trauma
The episode shines a light on how sensitive and skilled communication can help identify patterns of coercive behaviour that may otherwise remain hidden.
Why Leaving Isn’t SimpleDarren and Joplin strongly challenge the damaging misconception that victims can “just leave.” The episode explores:
Fear of retaliation
Threats of self-harm by perpetrators
Threats involving children
Financial dependence
Emotional trauma
Safety planning
The psychological paralysis caused by ongoing abuse
They explain that leaving a coercively controlling relationship is often the most dangerous period for a victim survivor.
How Friends & Family Can Safely Support Someone Experiencing AbuseOne of the most practical sections of this episode focuses on what supportive friends can do. Joplin shares examples of trauma-informed support strategies including:
Creating a safe home environment
Establishing emergency safe words
Holding important documents securely
Providing emotional support without judgment
Avoiding pressure or ultimatums
Respecting the victim survivor’s pace and safety assessment
The conversation stresses that support should centre around safety and empowerment — not control or expectation. Listener NoteIf this episode raises concerns for you or someone you know, please seek support from a qualified domestic violence service, counsellor, legal professional, or emergency service in your area.
Connect With Dear Divorce DiaryFollow Dear Divorce Diary for more real conversations around:
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