Show Notes
A recent Wall Street Journal article about adults cutting off their parents has reignited a conversation that's happening everywhere—in therapy offices, on social media, and around family dinner tables. So when is going no contact the right decision, and when might it actually keep us from growing? In this episode, I explore the difference between abuse, toxicity, hurt, and disappointment—and why those distinctions matter. I share why I've recommended estrangement only twice in fourteen years as a therapist, how I define abuse, and why I believe our culture is losing important nuance when everything becomes "abuse" or "trauma." I also talk about something deeply personal: the mistakes I made in my own family relationships after years of therapy. I expected the people around me to grow with me, and when they didn't, I became frustrated and resentful. What ultimately changed my life wasn't getting everyone else to heal—it was learning to grieve the relationships I wished I had, forgive what could never be repaid, and accept people for who they truly were. If you're wrestling with whether to distance yourself from a parent, if you're a parent whose child has cut off contact, or if you're simply trying to navigate complicated family relationships with wisdom and grace, I hope this conversation gives you a framework that is both compassionate and grounded in reality. Because healing isn't about creating a perfect family. It's about learning to live truthfully, setting healthy boundaries where they're needed, and growing into the kind of person who can face reality without losing hope. In this episode, we discuss: Why "if" and "when" are two very different questions. The difference between abuse, toxicity, hurt, and unmet emotional needs. When no contact is appropriate—and when it may not be. Why forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. How grief often becomes the path to acceptance. Why emotional maturity means growing in compassion, humility, and reality—not simply expecting everyone else to change. As always, my hope is to help you face reality, embrace humanity, and find freedom in truth. For a deeper take on how to heal a family system, listen to "How to Heal a Family": https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-vanessa-londino-podcast/id1555914519?i=1000660044672
More from The Work of Being Human
Everyone's favorite dysfunctional personality type is back: NARCISSISM. But are we actually helping people understand narcissism, or are we teaching them to label, manipulate, and dehumanize people they find difficult? Today, I'm responding to a viral video from a Christian counselor offering a "7-second test" to expose a Christian narcissist. Her advice? Ask a pointed question, sing "Happy Birthday" in your head, and watch what happens.
What if the way we think about mental health is actually making things worse?
We’ve heard about toxic masculinity until we’re blue in the face. But what about TOXIC FEMININITY? In this episode, I’m turning the lens toward us women and asking what happens when the very qualities that make femininity powerful become tools for gaining power over other people. I explore the natural flexibility, responsiveness, creativity, and nurturing capacity of the feminine—and how those strengths can become distorted when we move from responding to reality to trying to control it. Using the Karpman Drama Triangle, I look at three dysfunctional roles we can move between: victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Each one may look different, but all three can become strategies for gaining power in relationships. And women can move between them remarkably quickly: helpless in one moment, morally superior in another, and rescuing someone else... all before lunch! This isn’t an argument against femininity. Quite the opposite. I want women to recover what is genuinely powerful about being female without turning our vulnerability, nurture, emotionality, or adaptability into weapons. Face reality. Embrace humanity. This is The Work of Being Human.
ADHD isn't a good enough explanation... Paul Drayton was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. Like many people, receiving the diagnosis brought relief. Experiences and behaviors that had confused him for years suddenly had a name.But does giving something a name explain it?In this conversation, I wanted to try something different. Instead of interpreting Paul through the diagnosis, I wanted to understand HIM.So we moved away from the label and into his life.We talked about the sensitive little boy who sometimes escaped the noise of his home. A family where emotions weren’t easily expressed. A teenager whose mind wouldn’t quiet down. Alcohol. Addiction. Creativity. Impulsivity. Relationships. And a deeply human desire to be heard and understood.And the further we moved away from the diagnosis, the more interesting the conversation became.We also examine what we actually know about ADHD, what we don't know, and the difference between identifying a collection of behaviors and establishing their cause.This isn't about replacing one reductive explanation with another.I simply refuse to reduce a human being to one in the first place.Paul is not "ADHD."He is a man with a history, relationships, wounds, strengths, choices, adaptations, longings, and a story still being written.And, like every one of us, he is infinitely more interesting than a diagnosis could ever account for.Paul Drayton is an actor and author of Ride — Or Die Trying.Click subscribe to follow the show!Follow me on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/Paul's book: https://www.amazon.com/Ride-Die-Trying-Before-Laughter/dp/B0HDR233Q9/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.zbHEfHT7LWcK5skFtpnfetf2njpzYJGzMI6RJNu1CPpuD5HHsQjOh90A5MEFcA0xH3moj6EYSJ9y00dLLQ71rHc0ARZH9Qg04Yb57OK4wc8M8guK4rxDGn2jKNsggHDjlb9UXuyUB4xDRErXjDrauCiZ4SnmlsS45HtjoLyljj7cVOd7nU7tGGSGGzPb2zLu5-FPsc6xieqIVkY7LpgxRVYYS0qG-f4kSd5X3tCo9hs.ywH5bmWrV2VuQCVSm_epW66i1Kr9WKadQIPBtYjw5Dg&qid=1789350621&sr=1-1